Blocked on Insta

[Tiramisu78]

So not terribly proud of this but here goes...
Am a bit of a dreaded controlling, helicopter mum but have had to try to tone it down to give DD more independence and autonomy as she's over 18 now.
She is now 19 and has started going out with a 26 year old. I'm a bit uneasy about the age gap amongst other things. Anyway the guy's insta is public (related to his career - don't want to say much more as a bit outing.) I have therefore been doing the obvious helicopter mum thing and stalling the account to try to get a sense of his past life (in terms of number of girlfriends etc.)
The bugger had now gone and blocked me!!! Obviously none of this can be openly spoken about as I'd have to admit my role in the stalking to DD and she'd go ballistic. However I'm feeling really annoyed. He is here a lot and is quite prepared to take our hospitality knowing what he's done. I'm not sure if I'm pissed because I've been outmanoeuvred or just at the lack of respect and rudeness. Just make your account private if you're that bothered!
What do you think? Am I in the wrong or has he got something to hide??

Thank you - it's exactly this! Parents' groups on FB for parents of students at specific bus (not a thing when I went!) and people using 'we' are about DC's A level results or uni applications but we're meant to have no concern re. romantic relationships. There are a LOT of red flags beyond the fact he's 27 in a few months.

How does he know you were stalking him? Did you view his stories?

OP - I think you're getting some really harsh replies. Your job as a mum isn't just to pick up the pieces, it's to guide her to make safe choices. That job doesn't stop the day she turns 18 (just like you don't stop being there to pick up the pieces the day she turns 18).

I wouldn't be stalking his insta. Has he specifically blocked you or put his insta on private. If that is even a thing?

Ah yes, the first rule of stalking on Insta is don't view the stories

When I was 19, both me and a close friend were dating guys with age gaps. I was seeing a guy in his 30s with an ex wife and she was seeing someone with a similar age gap to your daughter OP.

My parents weren't happy but they stayed polite and quiet. Her parents kicked up so much of a fuss she left home and moved in with him, not speaking to her parents for a year or two.

With hindsight, obviously it was about sex and control on his part but on mine my motives weren't exactly pure either, he had money, he was happy to take me to the theatre and the ballet and I quite liked him treating me like a doll to be dressed up in expensive clothes. Even then, I knew it wasn't going to be a long term relationship (couldn't see us married with children) but it suited both of us whilst it lasted.

Obviously it's trickier if your daughter is head over heels in love but if she is, she's even less likely to listen to you. Be supportive, be understanding but interfering or being seen to interfere is is unlikely to help the situation. If the red flags you talk about include controlling behaviour, by being seen to "stalk" him, you've given him ammunition to potentially use as a wedge between her and you.

And as I've said there are red flags apart from just the age gap. Think not meeting irl or through friends and the flash car, unusual, 'glamorous' job that would create a lot of potential interest from the opposite sex.

Guiding your child to make safe choices doesn't involve stalking their partners online.

I sometimes post on Insta Stories to see if an ex-colleague is still stalking me, and yes she is

Hate to break it to you but insta stories autoplay on to the next account in line.

They probably don't give a shit and may well skip past your post after they've found themselves on it.

Don't flatter yourself. You're more bothered than they are.

Ooh is there a big drip feed coming as you find like most of the answers you're getting??

@Beezknees - but it can certainly help. For example, if you see the BF has posted him and an ex taking risks in a speedboat, you can remind your DD about taking safety measures when she finds herself in the same situation.

Oh for goodness sake.

No wonder so many young adults can't look after themselves nowadays with this level of ridiculous mollycoddling.

I'd have blocked you too.

I have friends who had controlling parents and then ended up with controlling, often older, partners. People will often seek out what they're used to, even subconsciously.

@HowIrresponsible - does insta stores throw up accounts that you don't follow? Am I safe to look at stories and people will think I didn't mean to?

Bet he’s an ‘influencer’ 😂😂😂

Exactly it's hilarious 😂

Presumably your dd is on his insta? So if there was anything to support your hunch she would see it. Also, you do know people can have more than one insta account? My dd has a public one, which I'm allowed to see😅, and a private one which I'm not! I think you need to chill out and be there for your dd if she needs you.

@skippy67 - yes DD is following his insta. But the person in the relationship may not be as objective as others outside. I bet all Molly Mae's friends and family were telling her to LTB years ago.

You don't sound particularly objective yourself...

People are purposely winding you up, OP. It's 100% normal to look at someone's social media accounts. Unless you were watching his stories on repeat and/or leaving bizarre comments on his posts, it's NOT normal to block the mother of your new girlfriend.

Personally, I think it's odd for a 26-year-old to be interested in a 19-year-old because they are at such different life stages, but nothing you can do about it.

Even if they were she didn't leave did she.

You cannot make anyone leave a relationship until they want to. You just run the risk of alienating them until they are ready to leave themselves. As someone who was in an abusive relationship myself, nothing ANYONE said to me could have made me leave until I was ready. It took the birth of my child to do that.

@Tiramisu78 M-M Hs family and friends probably weren't telling her to LTB because like posters on this thread they weren't bothering to look closely at TF's behaviour and of course she's a over 18 so they let her crack on with her own decisions.

Of course it's normal to look at social media accounts - that's what they're there for if they're public.