Blocked on Insta

[Tiramisu78]

So not terribly proud of this but here goes...
Am a bit of a dreaded controlling, helicopter mum but have had to try to tone it down to give DD more independence and autonomy as she's over 18 now.
She is now 19 and has started going out with a 26 year old. I'm a bit uneasy about the age gap amongst other things. Anyway the guy's insta is public (related to his career - don't want to say much more as a bit outing.) I have therefore been doing the obvious helicopter mum thing and stalling the account to try to get a sense of his past life (in terms of number of girlfriends etc.)
The bugger had now gone and blocked me!!! Obviously none of this can be openly spoken about as I'd have to admit my role in the stalking to DD and she'd go ballistic. However I'm feeling really annoyed. He is here a lot and is quite prepared to take our hospitality knowing what he's done. I'm not sure if I'm pissed because I've been outmanoeuvred or just at the lack of respect and rudeness. Just make your account private if you're that bothered!
What do you think? Am I in the wrong or has he got something to hide??

Would most people on here honestly not dream of looking at the (public) social media accounts of a teenage child's older boyfriend?

I'm sure I would, although I'd feel slightly embarrassed about doing so. And I'd definitely be annoyed to be blocked just for looking.

How do you know he’s blocked you? Did you comment or like a post accidentally and now he knows you’re stalking? Why don’t you just follow him on Instagram? My family followed my boyfriend’s on social media when I was dating. You must have done something odd so he had to block you or else he’s changed his privacy settings which might have nothing to do with you. Why are you stalking him anyway? Why do you have suspicions about him? And what’s stalking him going to achieve?

Oh god yeah, if you watch the stories you will show up on his views 😂 you should have just followed him the normal way and then he couldn’t have known about the staling / curiosity really.

Yep I would be. But have a different account set up for this kind of thing.
I wouldn’t like it one bit, there’s not much you can do as she’s an adult. Hopefully on contraception and using protection, all you can do is be there for her, guide her as best you can, invite him over for dinner that kind of thing.

It’ll more than likely be well and truly over by then. Stop panicking.

Parents using “we” to describe their kids academic acheivements is also a 🚩 - helicopter parenting extraordinaire…

Agree with this.

I know you are trying to be protective, but she is an adult and can make her own decisions.

What would you do if you did find something you don't like about him? Nothing, because you're not in a relationship with him, your daughter is.

I Think you are getting a rough ride here OP….Surely if he’s posting on an instagram that’s set to public then he’s actively chosen to put that in the public domain? It’s not like you have a private detective on him. I understand you have a degree of caution about the age gap. My elder daughter (23 )I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at her dating a 30 year old, but my 17 dating a 24 year old would be a different kettle of fish. You know your daughter best.

Well, so far the OP has found out the BF doesn't want to share much with her, even what he's happy for the rest of the world to see his open account. It's hardly mature of him.

I'd actually be tempted to ask him over dinner if he posts on SM, and say you'd be interested in following him/his career.

I agree.

Don't worry, he'll have told her you have been stalking him by now and you'll have pushed them much closer together. 🙄

You are jumping way ahead with your 'he'll be 30 when she is 22'. If you back off, it will probably be long over by then. And if they are only 6 years apart now, I am not sure how they are going to be 8 years apart by then, unless there is some brief period when he has had a birthday and she hasn't. Total difference will be the same.

It's only just outside the 'half his age plus 7' rule even now.

Can't you see the difference between someone having a quick glance at a profile vs your girlfriend's mum intensively viewing every story, picture etc? That's where it gets weird.
And to ask him over dinner. Fuck me.

They are 7 years apart now - she's 19 and he's 26 and then he'll have a birthday soon. When she graduates in June 2027, she'll be 22 and he'll be 30!

They probably won’t be together by then? You hardly think he’s marriage material do you? I guess you never know though.

I also don't think he's told her about blocking me as, knowing my daughter, she'd have said something to me about how much I've embarrassed her. So in some ways I'm pleased as I am a bit embarrassed but then it's another red flag to me that he's kept it from her!

@PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket - but does he know the OPs been through the a count with a fine tooth comb?

I wouldn't really ask him about SM over dinner, but it would be funny to see his face. I should write sitcoms

I can sort of see why you'd do a bit of instagram digging (operating words here: a bit), but really you need to back right off, or you'll be here again in 5 years' time starting a thread wondering why your DD has gone NC...

This is modern parenting - you have to pay out huge amounts to put your DC through Uni, let them live with you until they're 30 so they can save for a house deposit, but whatever you do, don't look at the much older boyfriends professional SM account because it's weird and controlling. And if you do happen to discover the BF is a massive risk taking, womanising idiot say nothing to anyone because it's absolutely none of your business.

Won’t your DD and her friends have already done an insta/SM check? Why would she need you to do this?

I'm not saying I wouldn’t be worried about my baby girl dating a fully grown adult but you have to think she’s 19 now and has been an adult for the last year. And if you’ve invited him over, then you’re seeing f2f what he’s like so that’s a positive thing. And really the more he gets to know your daughter and her friends, he may decide she’s a bit young for him.
What has she said when you’ve talked to her about your concerns?

I haven't really said much because I'm worried if the classic parental disapproval making her more keen. She told me about her friend's mum not letting him to come to the party as she'd never met him and he was so much older (the other guests were all in the same 2 school years.) Also she said a very good male friend had made some jokes about protecting her from him. So there have been some vague allusions but, in true British fashion, no honest, explicit communication.

So what? What, exactly, is the problem with that? They’re adults. Unless for some reason you think a 22-year-old woman is a child, this is a non-issue. For a pair of adults, seven years barely even qualifies as an age gap. And even if it did, this would still be none of your business because - and I’ll just say this again because you don’t seem to understand this yet - YOUR DAUGHTER IS AN ADULT.

He might be a ‘player’, he might be a complete dickhead, we don’t know. But that’s for your daughter to decide, not you.

19 is an adult, but still a very young one, and seven years is a big age gap at that age. There's not much the OP can do, but I understand her concern. My 17 year old is quite vociferous on the subject of age gaps at her age and how wrong/"creepy" it is (in her opinion).

I'd have looked at his insta too. Are all the posters who are saying it's stalking honestly saying they wouldn't have looked. I think the age gap is too big - if she was older it would be different but if he's very nearly 27 then it's a bit much.
However, I don't think he did anything outrageous in blocking you.
I wouldn't be cross about that and you shouldn't take it personally.

My kids are in 26 and older and have always dated people who are close in age. When they were younger they used to find it creepy when older guys dated teens.

Yabu, I don't understand this whole social media stalking thing!