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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blocked on Insta

149 replies

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:48

So not terribly proud of this but here goes...
Am a bit of a dreaded controlling, helicopter mum but have had to try to tone it down to give DD more independence and autonomy as she's over 18 now.
She is now 19 and has started going out with a 26 year old. I'm a bit uneasy about the age gap amongst other things. Anyway the guy's insta is public (related to his career - don't want to say much more as a bit outing.) I have therefore been doing the obvious helicopter mum thing and stalling the account to try to get a sense of his past life (in terms of number of girlfriends etc.)
The bugger had now gone and blocked me!!! Obviously none of this can be openly spoken about as I'd have to admit my role in the stalking to DD and she'd go ballistic. However I'm feeling really annoyed. He is here a lot and is quite prepared to take our hospitality knowing what he's done. I'm not sure if I'm pissed because I've been outmanoeuvred or just at the lack of respect and rudeness. Just make your account private if you're that bothered!
What do you think? Am I in the wrong or has he got something to hide??

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 19/08/2024 08:06

The age gap isn't great, but it's unrelated to you stalking his insta. What do you think you're going to find on their that your DD hasn't already seen?! I'm sure she'll have looked through his SM posts herself just because that's what you do when you fancy someone these days. And if you did see something, what would you do about it? He's not going to have posted anything incriminating (if he has even done anything bad!) and I doubt your adult daughter will be put off by him having had girlfriends before.

So what's your end game? All your achieving is making it REALLY unlikely your DD would trust you with any concerns she had, as you're so obviously bias against this guy!

GoTigers · 19/08/2024 08:07

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

Coz she’s an adult and he fancies her?

IamnotSethRogan · 19/08/2024 08:08

Did you view his stories or accidentally like a picture? There's every chance he mentioned it to DD and she advised he block you. Or she knows what you're like so told him to block you.

When I was in my 20s, I wouldn't have wanted to think about every story I posted on the grounds my girlfriends mum would be judging it

Boomer55 · 19/08/2024 08:08

She’s 19. An adult. Leave her and her BF alone.🙄

EllieLeo · 19/08/2024 08:10

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

DH and I met when he was 26 and I was 19. We were both consenting adults, I wasn’t some fresh faced child like teenager.

He is now 47 and I am 40 - we’ve been together very happily for 21 years.

Edingril · 19/08/2024 08:11

You need to get a life, you are seriously overstepping in about 50 different ways

quickturtle · 19/08/2024 08:11

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

I'd start another thread for that tbh. Everyone is going to be focusing on the fact you went and looked him up on instagram

BeyondMyWits · 19/08/2024 08:11

When I was 18 I was dating a 28 year old... thought I was so grown up and sophisticated, really I was just naive. But I was an adult, it ran its course. No insta back then, but mum just kept her views to herself and picked up the pieces after... 18 months down the line.
Don't stalk him... she has invited him into her home, so feels safe including him in "family" life. She will not invite him if she feels you are not willing to "like" him, then youll be left wondering at a distance. Just be there in case it all goes wrong, and celebrate life with them whilst it is going well for them.

Rincewindswind · 19/08/2024 08:15

Have you explored the reason for your 'helicopter parenting'?
Might be the first place to start.
That would also focus your attention on you and give you less time to stalk your daughters relationship.
Unfortunately when parents try to/get over involved in their adult kids lives, those relationships can break down spectacularly and the parent may be left on the outside.

Original poster
Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 08:18

Just to try to add something in my defence. I maybe wasn't aware how this might come across as social media checks are usual in recruitment in my industry and maybe I felt that anyone with a public insta would be aware that anyone could view it. In recruitment, social media checks are done partly to get a greater feel for the type of person the applicant is and that's kind of what I felt I was doing.

OP posts:
marmite2023 · 19/08/2024 08:19

This is the problem with helicoptering aka being controlling. She’ll go for older men because she associates and understands love as someone being in charge of her. He’s probably lovely but he’ll naturally likely be more in charge as the more established of the two. You are reaping what you sowed.

Edingril · 19/08/2024 08:19

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 08:18

Just to try to add something in my defence. I maybe wasn't aware how this might come across as social media checks are usual in recruitment in my industry and maybe I felt that anyone with a public insta would be aware that anyone could view it. In recruitment, social media checks are done partly to get a greater feel for the type of person the applicant is and that's kind of what I felt I was doing.

Nope can't see how this makes it better

Portfun24 · 19/08/2024 08:20

I've got a 19 year old daughter. She's very strong willed and certainly not someone who could be controlled, I've certainly not managed to her whole life and from previous relationships with immature boys her own age who fuck around I think I'd be okay with her dating a 26 year old if he was more mature and behaved better than the others.

LynetteScavo · 19/08/2024 08:20

I think it's possible to have a look at someone's instagram without being a stalker. I had a quick look at DSs new girlfriend's instagram account and realised I went to school with her Mum Grin.
It's an open account for his profession - so I do think it's a bit rude of him to block you. I bet it's because your DD told him to. If you really are a stalker you'll have a look at his account from a different device anyway. GrinGrinGrin I hope you've blocked him back (I would!)

Beezknees · 19/08/2024 08:22

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 08:18

Just to try to add something in my defence. I maybe wasn't aware how this might come across as social media checks are usual in recruitment in my industry and maybe I felt that anyone with a public insta would be aware that anyone could view it. In recruitment, social media checks are done partly to get a greater feel for the type of person the applicant is and that's kind of what I felt I was doing.

But you're not "recruiting" this man. Surely you see the difference?

beautifultrama · 19/08/2024 08:26

Waiting4Autumm · 19/08/2024 07:52

Firstly how can he tell you've been stalking him? As far as I know you can look at anyone's open insta account they don't know about it.... you may have come up as someone they may know for them to add/follow but they shouldn't know you've been looking unless you've been liking lots of pics or started following him?

There are certain apps that you can pay for which track who looks at your profile, who's blocked you etc.

I may or may not have done this when I was a heartbroken teen.

eish · 19/08/2024 08:27

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 08:18

Just to try to add something in my defence. I maybe wasn't aware how this might come across as social media checks are usual in recruitment in my industry and maybe I felt that anyone with a public insta would be aware that anyone could view it. In recruitment, social media checks are done partly to get a greater feel for the type of person the applicant is and that's kind of what I felt I was doing.

But you aren’t recruiting him for a job. Do you not trust that your daughter, who is a consenting adult, has explored why she thinks he might be a good partner? You massively need to step back. He may be right for her, he may not, but we learn from our mistakes.

What would you have done if you’d not liked what you saw anyway? What happened to getting to know people on a face to face basis? And why on earth does the number of previous girlfriends matter? You do know that people can delete bits of info so there’s no way his instagram would’ve given you definitive answers.

beautifultrama · 19/08/2024 08:28

Your poor daughter. You'll be the MIL/mum they post about on here in a few years.

Beezknees · 19/08/2024 08:28

beautifultrama · 19/08/2024 08:26

There are certain apps that you can pay for which track who looks at your profile, who's blocked you etc.

I may or may not have done this when I was a heartbroken teen.

Show quote history

There aren't any genuine apps that show you who has looked at your profile, for privacy reasons they don't exist. Any that claims to is fake.

iNoticed · 19/08/2024 08:30

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

I’m now ten-years married to the 27 year old boyfriend I had at 19. So I don’t find it at all peculiar.

(We have a great relationship, if there is any imbalance of power it tilts towards me slightly, I’m now the higher earner and he does more than half of the housework - so I’m pretty sure it’s not just my rose tinted glasses!).

BeyondMyWits · 19/08/2024 08:40

Keep to the old adage... just because you CAN doesn't mean you should.

And stop being so nosey, what difference would it make if you found out he was a lothario (my word of the week!). Talk to them when they are around, but don't go looking... would you look through his phone? His wallet? If they are laying around open in your house?

veganmayo · 19/08/2024 08:41

You really think that stalking your daughter’s boyfriend is similar to a recruitment check? And that he should make his whole profile private for everyone just because he doesn’t walk to be stalked by one person: his gf’s mum?

Why should he have to change his privacy settings when blocking you is a much easier solution?

I’d be very surprised if he hasn’t already mentioned to your DD that you’ve been checking his profile and he’s blocked you.

Pineappleprep · 19/08/2024 08:42

I'm amazed that given your daughter is now an adult she hasn't ended contact with you.

YouveGotAFastCar · 19/08/2024 08:46

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 08:18

Just to try to add something in my defence. I maybe wasn't aware how this might come across as social media checks are usual in recruitment in my industry and maybe I felt that anyone with a public insta would be aware that anyone could view it. In recruitment, social media checks are done partly to get a greater feel for the type of person the applicant is and that's kind of what I felt I was doing.

I’m not sure that’s an excuse… You aren’t vetting him. You don’t get a say, really, however much you’d like to. You could think he’s the biggest tool on the planet, but unless your daughter asks your permission, you’ll need to smile and nod and just be there to pick up the pieces. Otherwise you’ll hugely increase his attraction. All teens love the “world is against us” narrative.

But I’d probably block you for this too. I have a public work instagram. It can’t be private, or it’d be a pointless marketing tool. I wouldn’t want my girlfriends mum trawling through it, and potentially affecting who the algorithm thought my target audience was, and therefore reach and ad costs, etc.

And it’s just really weird to think that your partners mum is scrolling through years old posts. It is no faux pas for him to have blocked you here.

You can always tell him that he’s no longer welcome at yours, but I suspect you’ll see your daughter a lot less too…

Karmaisagod · 19/08/2024 08:48

OP, I disagree with most people here, and don't think what you've done is that bad. We all parent differently and I'm confident with my choices. I would want to know about any man my 19yo daughter was seeing, and I would use his social media presence to try and figure out what kind of person he was. I would know, however, not to watch his Insta stories, because he'd be able to see this. He has, quite simply and as you put it, outmanoeuvred you. Plenty of my daughters' friends follow me on social media, as have boyfriends in the past, and viceversa. There is nothing wrong with that. So I would be tempted to wonder what he is trying to hide by blocking you. Insta stories don't last, so I'd say he's trying to stop you from seeing what he/they get up to in future, rather than his past. I would not like it and, like you, would find it disrespectful while he is accepting your hospitality. Having said all that, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, I encourage you to keep the faith that this young man is a good person, for the sake of harmony with your daughter, keep a close eye, be friendly, and be available to support should the shit hit the fan.

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