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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blocked on Insta

149 replies

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:48

So not terribly proud of this but here goes...
Am a bit of a dreaded controlling, helicopter mum but have had to try to tone it down to give DD more independence and autonomy as she's over 18 now.
She is now 19 and has started going out with a 26 year old. I'm a bit uneasy about the age gap amongst other things. Anyway the guy's insta is public (related to his career - don't want to say much more as a bit outing.) I have therefore been doing the obvious helicopter mum thing and stalling the account to try to get a sense of his past life (in terms of number of girlfriends etc.)
The bugger had now gone and blocked me!!! Obviously none of this can be openly spoken about as I'd have to admit my role in the stalking to DD and she'd go ballistic. However I'm feeling really annoyed. He is here a lot and is quite prepared to take our hospitality knowing what he's done. I'm not sure if I'm pissed because I've been outmanoeuvred or just at the lack of respect and rudeness. Just make your account private if you're that bothered!
What do you think? Am I in the wrong or has he got something to hide??

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 19/08/2024 09:31

Your literally going to end up pushing them further together if you carry on like this. She can move out if she wants too and you can't stop her.

I don't buy the recruitment bit as your not recruiting him, that's her choice not yours.

HowIrresponsible · 19/08/2024 09:31

I had a mother like you. I had to lie to her or give her half truths as I knew how crazy she'd go over me doing entirely normal things.

Poor guy I'd run a mile.

Gilbertwasawuss · 19/08/2024 09:33

I had a mum like you and also went for an older man. (In my case, much older).

It has taken my mum and I a very long time to have a normal and healthy relationship and a lot of therapy on my part to learn how to set boundaries from her.

You are suffocating and need to let go.
Your behaviour will only harm your relationship with your daughter.

You have been blocked for a reason and it seems more likely to do with your inability to treat your daughter as an adult than him doing nefarious things on instagram.

Even the way you phrase things is hostile and intense... like "He is here a lot and is quite prepared to take our hospitality knowing what he's done".

What has he actually done, other than set a privacy boundary with you?

I suggest therapy.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 19/08/2024 09:33

Saltedbutter · 19/08/2024 07:52

Your behaviour is weird, inappropriate and controlling. Your poor daughter.

This 100%

HotChocWine · 19/08/2024 09:34

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

It's 7 years

There is a 6 year age gap between me and my DH

Original poster
Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:34

I think some posts are projecting a bit. I'm not stopping her doing anything or infantilising her. I have a hunch he's a bit of a player and was just curious to see if there was anything on social media to support my hunch.

OP posts:
EatTheGnome · 19/08/2024 09:35

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:09

My DD was told by a friend that she couldn't bring him to a party at the weekend as his mum wasn't happy about a 26 year old man she didn't know being there with a bunch of 18 and 19 year olds so it's not just me!! Maybe I just know a lot of other weird people!

But you let him in your home?

So you're concerned enough to stalk him but not concerned enough to draw a line in the sand.

Fwiw I had a similar age gap and married him. He was far more respectful than the boyfriend before.

Trust yourn daughter and be there when she needs you.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 19/08/2024 09:36

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:34

I think some posts are projecting a bit. I'm not stopping her doing anything or infantilising her. I have a hunch he's a bit of a player and was just curious to see if there was anything on social media to support my hunch.

You are absolutely infantilising her. She’s an adult, albeit a young one. Part of being a good parent is allowing them to make their own mistakes and learn from them (and it may or may not be a mistake, not your call).

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 19/08/2024 09:36

So so wrong...

readingismycardio · 19/08/2024 09:38

He's 26, not 16, of course he has past relationships/girlfriends. Your poor DD.

Edenmum2 · 19/08/2024 09:39

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

I don't know, is she a great person? Is she beautiful? Kind? Fun? Just offering up a few potential explanations

Sladuf · 19/08/2024 09:39

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

Do you really not know of any couples with bigger age gaps? 7 years is nothing.

Blackthorne · 19/08/2024 09:40

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:34

I think some posts are projecting a bit. I'm not stopping her doing anything or infantilising her. I have a hunch he's a bit of a player and was just curious to see if there was anything on social media to support my hunch.

He may well be a bit of a player but your DD must be allowed to make her own mistakes. What you’ve done could push her even more into his arms, as a protest.

mums are there to pick up the pieces, not stop hearts getting broken. She has to learn by herself. I would be very worried too but you have to let it play out, to some extent. I’m not sure I’d be allowing the constant staying over. My DM would not have allowed that.

Ted22 · 19/08/2024 09:40

OP your mistake is watching his stories. That is cringe. Someone who doesn’t follow you watching your stories = immediately noticeable. It makes you think “stalker” because you know they keep specifically looking up your page to do it. Stories are really intended for followers to look at only. To do otherwise repeatedly is a faux pas.

If you’d just scrolled through his old photos you’d have been totally fine. He never would have known.

Original poster
Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:41

It's not the age gap but stage of life! When she finishes uni at 22, he'll be 30! She won't have even started let alone established a career!
Am I really that unusual to have these worries?

OP posts:
Emily1583 · 19/08/2024 09:42

It would have been more sensible, and normal, to have simply added him on your follow list rather than being seen to be watching his account without a follow.

loropianalover · 19/08/2024 09:45

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 08:18

Just to try to add something in my defence. I maybe wasn't aware how this might come across as social media checks are usual in recruitment in my industry and maybe I felt that anyone with a public insta would be aware that anyone could view it. In recruitment, social media checks are done partly to get a greater feel for the type of person the applicant is and that's kind of what I felt I was doing.

🤣🤣🤣 give over OP. You’re one step away from setting up fake profiles here! You’re not recruiting for position of daughter’s boyfriend.

Even if he is a ‘player’, you’re coming off like a maniac and that’s much worse.

MelodyMalone · 19/08/2024 09:47

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 07:59

Ok- that's fairly unanimous that I'm in the wrong! No one else a bit uneasy about why a 26 year old would want to go out with a 19 year old?

Yes, I might be a bit uneasy. Depends on the people though. My daughter's 17 and I definitely wouldn't like her going out with someone 7 years older. But 19 is a bit different - legally adult, for one thing.

I do understand where you're coming from but also think you need to back off - difficult though that is.

BeachParty · 19/08/2024 09:48

Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:41

It's not the age gap but stage of life! When she finishes uni at 22, he'll be 30! She won't have even started let alone established a career!
Am I really that unusual to have these worries?

It's nothing to do with you though! She's an adult.
You need to back off otherwise you'll be seeing a lot less of them both.

BodenCardiganNot · 19/08/2024 09:49

Someone else upthread asked if you track her phone? Do you?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 19/08/2024 09:50

Your DD has probably realised you're stalking him online and asked him to block you. Of course you're allowed to be concerned about who your DD is dating but that doesn't entitle you to this behaviour. Your job as her mum is to be there if or when things go wrong, but if you keep going she won't come to you with anything. She is an adult, let her make her own decisions.

Original poster
Tiramisu78 · 19/08/2024 09:51

BodenCardiganNot · 19/08/2024 09:49

Someone else upthread asked if you track her phone? Do you?

No! I would have absolutely no idea that was even a thing. She sometimes shares her location on WhatsApp if she's out very late and coming home from somewhere unfamiliar.

OP posts:
Noangel5 · 19/08/2024 09:52

Op I’m sure you mean well and are trying to look out for your DD. But what you are doing is quite controlling and could jeopardise your relationship with your DD.

She’s an adult and she’s allowed to make her own decisions and see who she likes, even if you don’t approve.

I know someone who did this to her DS. Little bits of controlling behaviour and getting too involved in his life and constantly giving him her opinions on what he should be doing, telling him off for ridiculous stuff, helicopter parenting…etc.

It ended up with him reducing his contact with her over the years and he moved over 200 miles away to get away from her. He rarely answers his phone to her now and only sees her at Christmas for a few hours. His mum often cries about their strained relationship but cannot fathom out that she did anything wrong at all.

Op I’m sure you don’t want this to be you in 10 years time so ease off a little and let your DD breathe. Yes she’ll make mistakes. Just be there to catch her when she has a fall. Until then give her support and love and don’t Google the hell out of her boyfriends.

ChanelBoucle · 19/08/2024 09:52

Op I’d back way from the thread now as nothing you say is going to stop the pile on. MN is a strange place - on the one hand there seem to be the most over involved parents in some topics such as the Education and University areas and yet here it seems as if you should have no interest or concern for your teenage daughter and that you should back off. It is a big age gap for their age. As the mother of 18 and 20 year old dds, I would say that yes 26 is a bit old. My 20 year old jokingly refers to anyone over 25 as ‘a bit noncey’ if they show any interest in her. I’m sure she’ll view a six year age gap differently when she’s 30 say, but for now it is a big one. It’s of the times - there’s far more awareness these days of age gap relationships.

Please don’t feel bad for ‘stalking’. If someone has a public SM account they’re fair game. It’s not like you’re waiting outside his house or hiring a private detective. It’s Insta ffs. My dds are always checking out others’ accounts. I don’t blame you for checking out his, given the circs.

Glowingreviews · 19/08/2024 09:52

You’re the one with lack of respect and rudeness. I don’t blame you for being a bit concerned about what a 26 year old man is doing with a 19 year old girl. But you have to let it play out and be there for her if it goes wrong. I don’t blame him for blocking you.