Random stranger sat on my table at a dinner and tribute act show

[Prontehpronto]

Hi, I went to a dinner and ABBA tribute act tonight on my own (family out of town and no one else to go with). I was having a lovely time, a stranger asked if he could take the extra chair,I said yes cos I thought he was going to pick it up and take it, he proceeded to sit down! He asked why I was on my own,I said hubby was away and I thought I'd enjoy a show, he started telling me about his divorce etc, he was older, 62, seemed not weird and just overly friendly father like figure, but when the shoe carried on he didn't move!!! I said aren't your friends going to miss you, he was like its fine!! I ignored him and turned away, I'm pissed cos he didn't go away and plus I had paid extra for VIP tickets at a table at the front. His friend cane to give him a drink, I thought bloody hell no way,told him not to put the drink down on my table and can you go back with your friends. Bloody ruined my night abit, why did he do that, and how should I have handled it. He prob was harmless but he shouldn't have approached a lone female I don't think and then not gone away!!!

Would you tag along with a group of men? For your safety, or for theirs? I think your answer to that might guide you in future.

For myself, if a man started walking with me (a lone woman) I would pull back and let them pass. I don't know them, they might be ok but they might just as easily not be. In a group of women I would not feel the same anxiety if a man edged into the group but I wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

Women are instinctively attuned to the risks of being around men they do not know and trust. It's not personal, it's biology. I think your plan to give women space is a good one.

Have you never been in a nightclub? Not all areas are insanely loud. There are breakout areas that are quiet.

And by in work we dont necessarily mean actual colleagues. The delivery people, the maintenance people, the guy who runs the baked potato shop, the pub staff that you visit for "bonding" the guys from another company over the road. Jesus you seem short of thinking.

FWIW I've had two long term relationships amazingly one I met in work and another from a nightclub about an en ago.

That's really sad. I've travelled extensively in Europe on my own, dined out on my own, attended probably 100s of concerts, classical and non- classical on my own, in the UK and Europe without ever having to feel I need to tag along with another group.

The only time I think I've tagged along was leaving a venue in Camden where you have to be careful you get the right southbound train on the Northern Line.

For some inexplicable reason a bloke who'd been at the same concert and had been pelting alongside me to the same underground station had somehow got it in to his head I had picked the right train and I for , an equally inexplicable reason had done the same. We realised at the same time and both blurted out " but I was following you" Sounds bizarre but we managed to get ourselves on the right train.

Er no, any man who continues to push when he's been told he's not wanted is scum.

@Bodeganights And by in work we dont necessarily mean actual colleagues. The delivery people, the maintenance people, the guy who runs the baked potato shop, the pub staff that you visit for "bonding" the guys from another company over the road. Jesus you seem short of thinking.

I don't talk to anyone doing deliveries. And almost all of them are men.

The people who do maintenance are almost always men.

There are very few workplaces near my workplace, and almost of the people there are men.

We don't go to the pub during work because we are busy doing work.

We don't randomly walk into the other companies on site.

I don't think I'm short of thinking. The only people who I talk to who are not colleagues are people doing business with the company.

And if initiating a workplace relationship is a bad idea, attempting to intiate romance with a customer contact is an astronomically, insanely stupid idea.

Sigh, yes you seem really unable to grasp the simplest idea.

One, this is a predominantly female site, we will post our own lived experiences. If that's different to men, go look on a predominantly male site. So when I say maintenance guys, its cos I'm a woman. Amazing.
Two I said the pub for the obligatory bonding. Not during work hours, often on a Thursday or Friday, if you dont go you havent been invited, maybe that should tell you something.
Three get a vape and have an excuse to go outside the other workplace. I'm not suggesting you take up vaping, it's just a tool.
Four get a hobby.

@Bodeganights The discussion is about how men and women are supposed to meet, without men having to approach random women during a night out. Surely your response isn't that men should have maintenance jobs which allow them to enter and move around workplaces dominated by women? It would be nonsensical to suggest men change careers to do that.

We don't go to the pub for "obligatory bonding," because it's a workplace. We're not 20 year olds. People return home to their families and spouses in the evenings, they don't head to a pub for a piss up. How would you even be able to get home after that if you have driven to work?

Vaping is extremely harmful and the long-term effects are completely unknown. It also means having to go to the smoking hut, which is cold and winter and will expose you to a huge amount of second hand smoke.

Yeah I mainly did so as to make sure I found the venue ok-figured they probably knew where they were going. I only did it that one time, I wouldn't bother now. I did have to ask for directions in Manchester one time but that's all I bothered anyone.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I'm a woman though...not many men were attending a Take That concert I could tag along with 😆it was years ago, I was like 19.

@shuggles

The discussion is about how men and women are supposed to meet, without men having to approach random women during a night out.

I would say online dating or through mutual friends. I had little interest in meeting men on nights out when I was single.

If you would like other opinions, please start your own thread. This thread is not a discussion about how men and women are supposed to meet. It's about the OPs experience of a man who could not pick up social cues and ruined her solo night.

@Juliet194 This thread is not a discussion about how men and women are supposed to meet. It's about the OPs experience of a man who could not pick up social cues and ruined her solo night.

In other words, a discussion of how men and women are supposed to meet.

What's the big deal about meeting someone at work? Lots of relationships start that way, it's how I met my DH. There have been couples in most companies I've worked in, though the people involved generally don't work that closely together.

As long as one person is not in a position of power over the other, it's fine. If Jane in Accounts gets together with Dave from IT, so what?

DH and I got to know each other as friends first, which is far preferable to having a randomer impose himself on you at a gig.

Firefly, well that was a turn-up; I really thought you were male from your post. I've never received the response that you did. If I would have tagged along with a group of women (and I have), it was just accepted.

I don't know what topic of conversation you struck up or how that went but I'm baffled that you would have been cold-shouldered in the normal run of things? Stumped.

I can imagine it, some women can be quite cliquey in those kinds of circumstances.

But I literally said in the post you replied to- Safer for me as well as a lone woman wandering London or somewhere.

I just said something like "oh you going to the TT concert, mind if I tag along for a min so I don't get lost?!" maybe it wasn't the cold shoulder they just weren't overly friendly. I've spent my life not wanting to impose on others so any hint of that and I'm outta there. It's a shame so many men are not like that tbh, although I think the tide is turning there. You see a lot of "I never approach women anymore" etc.

@Sakura7 yes that's more what it was, definitely the impression I got!

You could well be right, Sakura. I think it's a shame and if I were in a group of women and another joined us I wouldn't think of ostracising or excluding them, I'd imagine that they'd joined for 'safety in numbers'?

Firefly, read and interpreted that differently - that you were a man and that it was also safer for a lone woman.

I really thought you were male from your post. Apologies for that.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe oh now I can see how you could read it like that as well! No worries!

I just remembered being in a similar situation to OP (although I wasn't alone which would've been worse) this guy was non-stop talking to me at a gig and not reading the fact I wasn't interested. It was the first time I'd been out since my dad died and it was basically so I could drive my brother and his friends, since I don't really drink. Show took ages to start and I didn't like the music.

This guy starts talking to me who is also about 20 years older than me (I was 23 he had to be at least 40) and my brother was trying to get him to leave me alone in a jokey way like saying I was married and stuff. It was weird for me as all my walls went up even though I didn't have anything against the guy and he was nice enough. So I do know how OP feels when something like that actually happens. I know I shouldn't but I always feel like I was rude when I think about it. But nothing was gonna make me receptive to anything that night. Men just don't seem to read body language though so he probably thought I was super friendly!

Probably had something to do with the fact she had a front row table and he and his mates were stuck right at the back 😂

The bit about ‘a man who could not pick up social cues’ feels quite relevant here….

@Firefly1987 "I've done loads of things on my own. Usually I don't bother talking to anyone because I'm naturally an introvert and loner anyway. The fact I never have to see them again is the only appeal. It's just if you're travelling to a concert you haven't been to, and you spot a group of women who clearly are going to the same concert-it's not a bad idea to try and strike up a conversation. Safer for me as well as a lone woman wandering London or somewhere. Last time I did it I could tell the women weren't exactly pleased to have me tagging along (just the short walk to the venue) so I held back and didn't bother walking with them anymore."

I have been to concerts by myself as well, sometimes it's better than going in company if you really love the band.

I get that you may have felt unsafe walking alone, but just as we shouldn't accept a lone female having to have her space invaded by a man who doesn't read the clues, it doesn't seem right either that a group of women should have to share their pre planned night out together because someone has chosen to go alone and needs protection. It's yet another case of expectations on women - why can't they just have the night out they planned without having to include a stranger, simply by dint of that person also being female.

I think in that scenario you should be very clear about what you're asking of them - just like the man at the tribute band should have been. " Hey, what a great concert. Is it ok if I walk with you to the tube as it feels a bit unsafe on my own?" and then just like the bloke, if you're getting a lukewarm or negative response then go and find someone else to walk with.

And it's not cliquey as someone says below, to want to spend the night you have planned and paid for with your own friends without extending it to someone you don't know.

Again the flip side of expectation of socialisation of women, but somehow it's different because the other person is female.

@rookiemere the protection thing was more in hindsight, I didn't worry about that sort of stuff at all at that age. In fact not even until I came on MN did I realise how much other women worried about going out alone at night. It was more so I didn't get lost-back then we didn't have smartphones, and it was my first time alone in London. I'm much better now, no probs doing anything alone. And yeah that's exactly what happened-I soon left them to it and did it on my own anyway. I regretted asking in hindsight as it felt a bit sad. Worked out to be a great night tho-the women I sat next to at the concert were super friendly and awesome and included me and we had a great night.

One of the joys of being 60 is I can call into a pub occasionally on my way home after a busy day at work for a quick glass of wine and something to eat and be pretty much invisible ...except on one occasion when some bloke made a comment about careful not to get nachos on my " old hands" ...clearly felt he had to insult me for daring to enjoy my own company