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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Random stranger sat on my table at a dinner and tribute act show

311 replies

Prontehpronto · 18/08/2024 00:09

Hi, I went to a dinner and ABBA tribute act tonight on my own (family out of town and no one else to go with). I was having a lovely time, a stranger asked if he could take the extra chair,I said yes cos I thought he was going to pick it up and take it, he proceeded to sit down! He asked why I was on my own,I said hubby was away and I thought I'd enjoy a show, he started telling me about his divorce etc, he was older, 62, seemed not weird and just overly friendly father like figure, but when the shoe carried on he didn't move!!! I said aren't your friends going to miss you, he was like its fine!! I ignored him and turned away, I'm pissed cos he didn't go away and plus I had paid extra for VIP tickets at a table at the front. His friend cane to give him a drink, I thought bloody hell no way,told him not to put the drink down on my table and can you go back with your friends. Bloody ruined my night abit, why did he do that, and how should I have handled it. He prob was harmless but he shouldn't have approached a lone female I don't think and then not gone away!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Prontehpronto · 18/08/2024 16:43

HolidayAtNight · 18/08/2024 16:32

What?! Is this serious? You think investing emotionally in a relationship and then finding out they never liked you that much but were willing to sleep with you and put up with you for a while is no big deal? This post is so out of touch with the reality of human experience that I genuinely don't know what to say.

Show quote history

Yep you haven't lost anything apart from a year...

OP posts:
HolidayAtNight · 18/08/2024 17:07

Prontehpronto · 18/08/2024 16:43

Yep you haven't lost anything apart from a year...

Show quote history

Exactly! Merely a year, your self-esteem, your ability to trust... no biggie! Just approach a new guy at the next ABBA night and you're golden.

Women, amirite?!

(This is sarcastic, for anyone joining the thread late.)

Sakura7 · 18/08/2024 17:08

Oh goody, a man has decided to weigh in and tell us repeatedly how unreasonable we are for having boundaries. Or for feeling discomfort in the presence of random older men hitting on us.

@shuggles You're not listening, you don't get it, and it's clear from your posts here that you don't want to.

You're a perfect example of the problem that so many women on this thread have highlighted.

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:10

@HolidayAtNight What?! Is this serious? You think investing emotionally in a relationship and then finding out they never liked you that much but were willing to sleep with you and put up with you for a while is no big deal? This post is so out of touch with the reality of human experience that I genuinely don't know what to say.

You don't become emotionally attached to someone before the relationship is formalised.

A man who isn't interested will not make the relationship "official" as such. He will go on dates and possibly have sex if asked, but he won't commit to a relationship.

You shouldn't be upset in this scenario because you will have just been on a few dates with this person for a while. You won't have become emotionally attached to a relationship that isn't official as such.

Livingtothefull · 18/08/2024 17:12

ShuvieTupya · 18/08/2024 16:10

@Livingtothefull are you young or have you lived a sheltered life? In pubs and bars of basically any time pre 2000ish, men approached women as that is how many people found a mate. We weren't offended as that is how it was. Not everyone had a friend of a friend or workmates to "set you up". But for some reason women these days seem disgusted that a man would ever speak to them.

No neither of these is true. I am old enough to remember the 1970s when men pestering & even assaulting women was regarded as a joke. The reason this has declined is that it has become less acceptable to approach and pester unwilling women, largely due to women themselves saying it is unacceptable. And certain people (most of them men) don't like that.

Most normal men me included are happy to talk to men and believe it or not do it all the time. I don't like the insinuation that 'women these days' are a problem because they don't want to talk to men on the men's terms only, at any time or place and for as long as men want.

HolidayAtNight · 18/08/2024 17:12

@shuggles "So then after dating, or potentially having sex 6 months or a year down the line, if the man is not interested, then he will break off the relationship."

You said a relationship! 6 months to a year is not casual dating. Also, you are categorically wrong that a man won't commit to a relationship with a woman he doesn't value as a person.

Livingtothefull · 18/08/2024 17:14

I mean of course: most normal women are happy to talk to men (on our terms, with the assumption of mutual respect).

Juliet194 · 18/08/2024 17:15

shuggles · 18/08/2024 14:32

@Zow This ^ Not every lone women out in public wants or needs to be rescued by some entitled random man who thinks every woman owes him attention, a conversation, and a smile, (and a fucking dance according to the OP!')

How do men distinguish between women in public who are willing to talk to men and those who are not, before speaking to them?

Well the OP is married, so if she was wearing a wedding ring then this would be an obvious sign that she's probably not looking to meet anyone that night.

One the initial conversation has started, it's quite easy to judge someone's body language and lack of eye contact as a sign that they are not interested in continuing the conversation further. I would have looked bored out of my brain listening about a stranger's divorce.

ShuvieTupya · 18/08/2024 17:16

So this thread is mainly men talking to men. Funny place.

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:17

@HolidayAtNight I haven't had a relationship, but I would definitely say that 6 months or a year is casual and not formal. How can you know anyone well after only a year?

Also, you are categorically wrong that a man won't commit to a relationship with a woman he doesn't value as a person.

Of course that's true. If a woman wanted to commit to me in a formal relationship, I would feel extremely, intensely uncomfortable about that unless I really liked the person. Almost all other men would feel the same way. It's only a small minority of men who would do otherwise.

5128gap · 18/08/2024 17:18

shuggles · 18/08/2024 13:32

@Zow Women going out looking/hoping for a connection with a man (and wanting to meet someone/be in a relationship,) is NOT THE SAME as men hitting on lone women and forcing their attention on conversation on them.

So we have:

a. A woman in public who is hoping for a connection with a man, a desire to meet people, and a desire to be in the relationship.
b. A single man in public.

How do a. and b. talk to each other without the man "hitting on lone women and forcing their attention on conversation on them"?

Well, if we take the OPs situation as a case study...
Given he was old enough to be her father, his default position really should have been to think its highly unlikely she and I are likely to be a&b as this young woman is unlikely to be interested in me the way I am in her. So I should really leave her alone.
However on the off chance she is one of the, I think, less than 1% of women interested in a man my age, at her age, I will proceed with utmost caution.
If I strike up conversation I will not make assumptions that I am fascinating. I will pause now and again in my monologue to see if she takes up the conversation or prolongs it by asking me a question. If she doesn't I will wish her a good evening and be on my way. That way we are both free to pursue the respective a to our b elsewhere, or to enjoy our evenings by ourselves if that is our preference.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/08/2024 17:18

If I’m out for a walk I’ll usually exchange smiles & possibly a ‘Good morning’ with women. I’ve learned not to do that with men because it’s far too likely to lead to them wanting to stop for a chat & ask my name, where I live, etc. It’s really not worth the hassle, & can be very annoying if I’m peacefully admiring a view or something.

HolidayAtNight · 18/08/2024 17:20

Wait. You haven't had a relationship, and you're here telling women we're wrong about our actual experiences based on what you THINK is true and what you imagine you'd do? Where the hell did you get the absolute audacity to behave like this?

Sakura7 · 18/08/2024 17:21

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:17

@HolidayAtNight I haven't had a relationship, but I would definitely say that 6 months or a year is casual and not formal. How can you know anyone well after only a year?

Also, you are categorically wrong that a man won't commit to a relationship with a woman he doesn't value as a person.

Of course that's true. If a woman wanted to commit to me in a formal relationship, I would feel extremely, intensely uncomfortable about that unless I really liked the person. Almost all other men would feel the same way. It's only a small minority of men who would do otherwise.

You haven't even had a relationship but think you're an expert🙄

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 18/08/2024 17:23

@shuggles I feel like your posts are abit off beat and you're deliberately trying to be controversial and/or obtuse, esp. saying you have never had a relationship and still thinking you have anything valid to add to this thread. Please get of this thread, start your own, sure you'll be able to find some like minded misogonists

OP posts:
Original poster
Prontehpronto · 18/08/2024 17:24

HolidayAtNight · 18/08/2024 17:20

Wait. You haven't had a relationship, and you're here telling women we're wrong about our actual experiences based on what you THINK is true and what you imagine you'd do? Where the hell did you get the absolute audacity to behave like this?

Think shuggles is taking the piss out of us, it's men like him that give the rest a bad name and make women wary

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/08/2024 17:30

mitogoshi · 18/08/2024 06:28

Did you pay to reserve all the table and seats to yourself? If not yabu to think it's odd to share. We see live music at our local pubs most weekends and you share your table, it's normal, you also get people suggesting you get up and dance especially if you are alone to be friendly.

There's some miserable people here. If the pub has the same etiquette as our locals then yabu

Would you like those of us you term 'miserable' to refer to you in a derogatory term also? There are plenty.

I get really irritated by people levying the term 'miserable' against other people who are merely doing their own thing, happy in their own company. Stop it.

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:35

@HolidayAtNight Not having a relationship means I have a holistic, outsider perspective. A person doesn't need to be able to cook to be a food critic, for example.

If people are having bad relationships or are constantly meeting the wrong people, then they must be doing something wrong. So I am just offering alternative ideas.

HolidayAtNight · 18/08/2024 17:36

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:35

@HolidayAtNight Not having a relationship means I have a holistic, outsider perspective. A person doesn't need to be able to cook to be a food critic, for example.

If people are having bad relationships or are constantly meeting the wrong people, then they must be doing something wrong. So I am just offering alternative ideas.

Ever flown a plane? No? Then go and find a pilots' forum and argue with them. FOH.

5128gap · 18/08/2024 17:45

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:35

@HolidayAtNight Not having a relationship means I have a holistic, outsider perspective. A person doesn't need to be able to cook to be a food critic, for example.

If people are having bad relationships or are constantly meeting the wrong people, then they must be doing something wrong. So I am just offering alternative ideas.

If my memory serves me right, I seem to recall on another thread you were adamant that men did not discuss relationships with each other. That you yourself had no friends, and indeed that no man over the age of 30 had friends. If this is so, then how have you come to know what 'almost all men' would think?

Livingtothefull · 18/08/2024 17:48

shuggles · 18/08/2024 17:35

@HolidayAtNight Not having a relationship means I have a holistic, outsider perspective. A person doesn't need to be able to cook to be a food critic, for example.

If people are having bad relationships or are constantly meeting the wrong people, then they must be doing something wrong. So I am just offering alternative ideas.

No. You are not offering a 'holistic perspective' you are just being arrogant. You are arguing that women don't know when they are talking about when they described their lived experience and the impact on them - how disrespectful is that?

I would not have the utter arrogance to post on a website dedicated to a specific group in society and tell the other posters why their conclusions based on lived experience (say as a black/disabled/Jewish person) are wrong. But certain men do this to women all the time. So either you are arrogant enough to think you really are right, or you are yet another dickhead who thinks upsetting women is either funny or clever.

Anyway I note that the OP has said she does not want you on her thread and you have still posted again. Another example of crossing boundaries.

BeachParty · 18/08/2024 18:02

@Livingtothefull
Anyway I note that the OP has said she does not want you on her thread and you have still posted again
Oh come on, are you new to the internet?!
It doesn't work like that, you're not the Thread Police. 🙄

BeachParty · 18/08/2024 18:05

Prontehpronto · 18/08/2024 17:24

Think shuggles is taking the piss out of us, it's men like him that give the rest a bad name and make women wary

Show quote history

Has shuggles said they're a man?
Or is this one of those ridiculous "anyone who disagrees with me is a man?' posts?
People have different opinions.
Get over it.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 18/08/2024 18:05

Anyway I note that the OP has said she does not want you on her thread and you have still posted again. Another example of crossing boundaries.

Whilst I don't think the OP was unreasonable about what happened, trying to dictate who can post is unreasonable.

Livingtothefull · 18/08/2024 18:06

No I am neither @BeachParty but personally speaking, if an OP had asked me to leave her thread which she had posted to seek support because she found my posts unhelpful, I would respect that whether or not I agreed.