To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

@JustMissNobody

shes young & it's her Daddy. But she's clearly hiding things from you, can you impress on her that you're worried about him & about a possible affair, if she feels disloyal to tell you anything, can you at least get her to get him to talk to you??

if you don't think he's having a breakdown then I'd tell him if he doesn't explain himself before he goes, to not bother coming back.

@SummerSplashing im a mental health practitioner and yes people do book holidays to end their lives.

Its really not uncommon.

DH is not interested in beaches or sunbathing, he’d rather stay out of the sun as much as possible. I will try to find out more info from my daughter tomorrow about where he’s going

Oh well if he doesn’t need one I’d just feel a big clear out coming on in the morning and just chuck it out.

Don't even engage.. when he's away pack up all his stuff and it can stay with your kids for him to collect once he's back.. change the locks and tell him you want a divorce.

What a fucking selfish, nasty cunt!

You NEVER had a family holiday?! Ever??

Did you take the kids away at all?

Have you never had a night or two away just you two?

Fucks sake OP you deserve soo much better!

I would genuinely follow him to the airport. I really would. See if he meets someone there. When your daughter says let him enjoy the holiday…what holiday? You don’t know where he’s going?? It’s mental behaviour. Do you know the code for his phone? Can you get it while he’s asleep?

I don’t think the daughter has behaved well in backing her Dads disrespectful behaviour, but even though she’s an adult , she’s still their child and OP shouldn’t be trying to use her to obtain more information.

OP you need to challenge and confront your husband yourself.

OP your daughters betrayal would floor me xx

OP, I'd be trying to find out where and when the plane lands and then beat the bastard to it. Watch the gutless wonder walk off the plane, and who with, and see where he goes. Then confront the pillock.

All your other updates point to an affair - suddenly needing a passport after all that time of saying it's not necessary, being glued to his phone 24/7.

He thinks it's his god given right to behave exactly how he likes, and how dare you be in the way - this is why his behaviour is so full of contempt towards you. He sees you as being in the way, an obstacle - he wants to go be with his fancy piece.

Awful, just awful.

It's a tale as old as time with these men with this sort of behaviour - the contempt, the deceit.

I do wonder, when they are old and shrivelled up and their dicks no longer work, do they regret the carnage they caused to their families?

You will come through this.💐

Don't wait until he comes back to say something ve mire proactive@ From what you gave said ge sounds like gd us having an affair, out early, in late. Your daughter sounds a bit of nasty piece tbh. Get some answers, don't be a pushover.

A few answers to some of the questions asked:

yes we have had nights away just the two of us. Not for a few yrs though now. He’s been too busy with work or we’ve not been getting along. It’s been one thing or another.

i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know.

ive thought about finding out when and where his flight leaves and returns and spying on him. Sabotaging his holiday plans but I’m not going to waste my time or energy doing any of that. He wants to go so he can, if I stopped him now, it wouldn’t save my marriage if there’s OW, the damage as already been done and there’s no going back from that.

I would tell him to tell you the truth, because this marriage is over as far as you're concerned, it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference any more.

as for your daughter, i would tell her to stay out of your marriage. he's her dad, but he's your husband and you will deal with this crisis as you see fit.

OW or not, he sounds awful OP and you deserve better.
He doesn't treat you like a true partner.

i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know.

Fucking hell, OP. It's like only one of you has been married these 34 years, and it isn't him! Please tell me you have your own work and income.

You'll need this info to complete your impending divorce. I don't know how you would get it, but maybe some other MNers do.

Meanwhile, you have a joint account? I'd empty that if I were you. You can't tell what's coming.

i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know.

This is awful. Has your marriage always been like this? Why do people even get married if they don’t want to properly share their life.

He’s never wanted a joint account as such, I had had an account that my earnings went into (child benefits etc) when DCs were younger that we both had a card for. He would pay in some of his wages (he was employed at the time) and all bills, shopping etc got paid out of that. We bought what we needed and discussed purchases with each other.

things changed when i was on maternity leave, he paid most of the bills, shopping etc.

over the yrs I’ve still have my earnings paid into my account, and he started his own business he pays into the account but he doesn’t have a card anymore. He pays in £100 a week. He says that’s a fair amount. It’s been a constant disagreement for the past 12 months since his business started doing really well.

our house is rented and I’ve been wanting to buy a home for a while. Our daughter laughs and tells DH he will have to come clean with his earnings when we do but he just scoffs and dismisses it.

I'd be following him TO the airport ! How's he getting there....in his car or getting a taxi ? If the latter I'd jump in with him.

Actually open mounted at your latest update,OP.

No wonder he thinks he can behave like this, sadly he has gotten used to accustomed with disrespecting you and keeping things from you over the years and your daughter seems to think it’s funny or normal as that’s what she’s used to. He could be saving to buy a house on his own for all you know.

Try and find out more about his finances while he’s away if he has any paperwork in the house.

The marriage has been dysfunctional for a long time by the sounds of it so maybe this situation which is forcing you to stand up and take action, could work out in your favour in the long term.

I'd just book the flight - or get someone else to - and not tell him. Just turn up.

OP I don't want to be cruel but it doesn't sound like this is a marriage anyway. I really don't think you should put up with this. Not even knowing his earnings is outrageous, let alone what almost certainly is another woman. Ask him to leave.

I personally would go to the airport and just watch, from a distance with sunglasses on, as he checks-in… I won’t say anything and see if he met someone at the airport.

I suppose that’s all you can do except follow him on the holiday.

I'd us the week to:
See a solicitor
Get ALL important paperwork you can get your hands on
Change the locks
Pack his belongings

I know 34 years is all crumbling before your eyes but this is your opportunity to take control. Set aside your sadness and tears. There will be time for that later. Find that angry, organized lady within you.

Even if there is no OW, this is no way to treat a person you love. He's HORRIBLE.

This, 100%. SUCH bizarre behaviour from him would have me either extremely worried or extremely angry.

I'd tell him you want to see the flight info, hotel booking .. Or he will be locked out with his belongings on the front if he doesn't, end of story.

I’m guessing there is an OW, sorry to say.