To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

And the fact only Mrs on the tenancy. Weird. Also, driving licence is better than a passport for ID because it has your address on it. A passport doesn't.
£100 a week is not enough money for the rent and bills and food, so something ain't adding up....

Perhaps the “crisis” is that he just desperately needs a break, on his own? And perhaps the reason he never mentioned it before is because he knew his partner would be dead against it, and would refuse permission?

Ah wise up, that's so far off the mark!! Would you piss off like that @AmateurDad? It's not normal behaviour. It's selfish and disrespectful, and that's only for starters!!!

@JustMissNobody please check out the car. Use this time while you have the chance. And please start a new thread so you can continue to get support as this one is nearly full.

What I’d like to know is why has he said to your daughter ‘ nice when she’s not here ‘ what’s been going on for him to say that and for her to be disclosing this. First thing I would do is ask her out right why she thinks her behaviour is acceptable.Personally I think he is burnt out. I know the feeling

I'm worried that during the divorce he'll say 'I need to be kept in the manner I've become accustomed too'. Is that still a legal thing? Will OP then have to pay him in the case of a divorce?

OP I really don't want you to lose your deposit for your future home or even your pension!!! I think you need to prioritise finding out about his finances so he can't get more than he is entitled too. Which is nothing in my opinion. He's such an arse.

If he's burnt out and needs a break, it's a result of all his efforts to conceal his finances, milk his wife for his living expenses and extend his secret life to foreign territory.
@AmateurDad @Gettygrip 🙄

I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes ok

He’s got to have been preparing for this for a while. Don’t let him fiddle you out of what is rightfully yours.

As we are on page 40, I hope the Op @JustMissNobody starts a new thread...

Men don’t take breaks on their own. Women do that.
He’s either with a woman or having a break down.

Pretty sure OP would’ve been ok with the holiday and even supported her husband in taking a break (alone/without her) had he just been open and honest and direct about it. Had he not acted like an absolute sneak, had he approached her with a modicum of respect/decency, had he answered her questions or discussed things with her, instead of booking a last minute secret excursion and gaslighting and bullshitting about the entire thing, I’m guessing OP would have let him go do his thing and probably not even considered the possibility of his wrong-doing. She did mention this further up in the thread.
Remember OP is not the one in the wrong here, at all. Husbands own actions have caused this spiralling situation.

Oh but yes whatever you do do NOT tell your daughter about your plans for your soon to be ex. She might understand some day, but for now she is on his side, so please try to hide whatever you're doing to protect yourself until it's done.

This is what matters right now. He's a wanker regardless.

Change the locks and take yourself on holiday

It sounds like he's had enough, not a holiday

Did you find anything in the car?

Look through 'recent locations' on the car's Sat nav to see if there's a regular place he goes to. I'm sorry you're going through this but at least you're financially secure enough to start a new, improved life without him.

"
i don’t know the code to his phone, passwords to anything of his, email accounts, who he bank with, his full earnings, what he spends money on or anything like that. He believes these are all personal things that no one else is entitled to know "

you don't know any of that after 34 years?
I can see you not knowing passwords. But wouldn't you know what his earnings are from filing your taxes? I know when we do our taxes we have to put the others income on our form.
I would be getting my ducks in a row while he's gone regarding finances. Packing up his stuff and putting as much as possible in his car.
Of course this is easy for me to say as I don't know you personally. I do hope that you are able to get this straightened out and come out strong on the other side.

But wouldn't you know what his earnings are from filing your taxes?

Not everyone has to file their taxes. I don't. The tax I pay is shown on my payslip.

It is an odd thing to say. I know Op is perplexed at him buggering off but saying that implies there has been tension of some description in the household in the run up to this? Maybe there been issues that may have become the norm leading up to his disappearance as it’s an odd thing for him to say to the DD for absolutely no reason and for her to agree with to the point she repeated it. Often underlying tension in a relationship becomes the household status quo and you don’t even notice it anymore.

Morning OP. Hope you get some good advice from your solicitor today.

We don’t even know anything from his perspective. Clearly this has not been a happy relationship for either party for some time. Men are allowed to be unhappy and not know how to leave a relationship too. We don’t know for a fact he’s cheating. It’s just speculation.

As a sole trader?

Good luck with the solicitor today
Keep searching for stuff - he cannot have taken everything with him. You will find something
Start a new thread and link to it before this one is full! @JustMissNobody