To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

A repeated destination could be relevant.
What did you find in the car?

OP, you have been masses of advice here; some good, some garbage. For what it’s worth, I think the best advice is what you have decided to do and see a solicitor. I think you have also decided to end the marriage and from what you’ve said that seems a good move but it won’t be easy. Try not to focus on another woman or any other reason for his actions; if you have decided to break with him then that’s all that matters. Let others support you with formal ‘reasons’; there are different types of divorce and you and your solicitor need to decide what would be best and/or acceptable for you.

There have been suggestions to contact various groups for support and they would give you better informed advice than some on here and may be able to give more face to face support.

I would advise taking your tenancy agreement with you to the solicitor and any other documentation you can lay your hands on. The solicitor will understand about forensic accountants and other things to be done to support and protect you.

If you do look in the car you might want to photograph everything; removing items may be an issue.

It’s very sad about your daughter but perhaps your best plan is to try and keep a reasonable relationship with her by not discussing the issues you have with your husband.

I do hope you are able to get the right help to move on from this awful situation. You're still young and able enough to have a good life from now on.

Please OP, don't do the 'I don't want anything from him' thing. My best friend thought that too. Then during the divorce and financial discovery she found that whilst she and her 2 children had been living as paupers as he kept telling them that he was poor and broke, and she was keeping the household going on her part time wages, he was earning more money than she could ever have imagined and was stashing it away.

Unfortunately for him the court ruled against him. And it cost him quite a lot. Take what you're entitled to, please.

I’m sorry you are going through this and lots of good advice here. My only comment would be if you do look in the car disable any ring doorbell etc that he may have access to…..don’t want him to know that you have been in!!

Sorry you're going through this. My mum did something similar to my dad, went away for a week to go meet some guy she met online. They then got divorced when my dad figured it all out.

Take what you are entitled to from him.

Having read all your comments from the start of this thread I don’t think I have come across anyone so emotionally cruel as your husband. The guy is a loser. Your DD is certainly no darling either. This has hit you hard and you are going to have weeks riding an emotional rollercoaster. You have been seriously let down by the two people closest to you. I am encouraged that whilst obviously extremely hurt you come across as mentally strong. You know where this is heading and reading your comments as the thread has progressed you’re going to tough it out. Throughout this sorry story and it’s you I feel really sorry for and however tempting would suggest you do nothing illegal. Do not give this bozo anything to manipulate you with. Do everything via your solicitor including talking. As others have said (and many have given you excellent advice)do not tell your daughter anything at all keep her firmly out of the equation. Right now everything is an unknown with the exception that your marriage is done once you have all the advice from your solicitor you will be in a better position. Remain both calm and strong (very tough I know) give nothing away and do not let your guard drop. Like I said everything goes through your solicitor. If the bozo gets aggressive and nasty note what’s said right it down date time it log everything. Do the same if DD tries the same behaviour whilst it may not seem relevant it seems to me they are partly in this together. Give nothing away with regards to your intentions don’t be drawn into arguments. You can do this, your life will become sweeter and you do have a future be it alone or with someone new. You have done nothing wrong have the confidence to ask advice if you need it. There are some great people on here who will give you lots of support. Good luck you so deserve better and this is just the start.

Op, best of luck with the solicitor tomorrow.

Just wondering has he made any contact with you since he arrived? Any contact with your daughter.

Not sure if this was raised by anyone (as I didn't read the whole thread) but you should stop doing anything for him at home now after this - no cooking, laundry or any of the house burden that helps him

Or get a copy made.

I honestly can’t believe what I’m reading. My stomach is churning for you OP. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this but I’m also incredibly proud of how you’re handling yourself and your business here!

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, to treat you like this is so unacceptable, and I’m utterly aghast that your DD is siding with him. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be. Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow xx

Yes, he obviously doesn’t want you looking in there as he took the keys, so what is there that he doesn’t want you to see?! I’d definitely be having a look.

OP... just a flag that if your husband ran up debts through his business, it is classed as personal debt and therefore your money would be affected (he is sole trader).
It's important to look through car not because OW, but to find out what kind of thing you are dealing with.
Husband''s first reaction (very experienced Police Officer) was that he ran away and isn't coming back due to debts (loan shark maybe?). If he only paid you £100, maybe he has gambling addiction or something along those lines?
Either way, please find out.

OP I don't have anything practical to add to all the other advice, but I want you to know I am full of admiration for how you are handling this awful situation, and I hope you get the answers you need and deserve at the solicitors tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

A friend of mine's DH did something similar - disappeared on holiday to his parents holiday home in Spain when the pressure of financial demands from HMRC re unpaid fines etc. He hadn't submitted accounts for about 4 or 5 years. In the glove box of his car were about 20-30 brown envelopes with escalating demands from HMRC.
(I think the process to getting fined is quicker from HMRC these days with everything having to be done online though, more like a year or two before it gets nasty.)
So do check the car for paperwork, it may inform you.

Best of luck lovely at solicitors tomo. Stay strong, you're in the right here. You've got an army behind you, all of us on here.

I don’t think it’s an affair.

much more to it then meets the eye here.

Yes the debt explanation could explain why he didn't want a mortgage. there would be credits checks etc in that case

Indeed. If it was affair, he could have just packed bags and say he is off. Or if he was planning holiday with OW then he would have known in advance? Could have made up story that he is going fishing for a week or whatnot. Wouldn't need to tip off OP at all.

I hope the solicitors appointment gives you some clarity. Such an awful situation for you.

I also wondered this. Spun to DD as exhausted man who works all hours to provide for his family (little may she know it’s £100pw) having an existential mid-life crisis. Blames OP for always “moaning” and “demanding more” (buying a home, holidays etc.). Has lost all his confidence and depressed. DD advises (as is the way of youth) he needs to get out there and live his best life, overcome his fears etc.

Whatever the true reason for this secret trip: OW, financial etc. Whatever DD knows, or has been encouraged/manipulated to believe, IMHO both OP’s DH and DD have behaved with no respect for her. He’s acted with disdain. That’s the emotion that’ll drive him in a divorce. OP - you’re so strong - you’ve survived all those years!

You are my kinda’ fucking woman!!! 🙌🏻

Yes!!! Preach!!!!

I agree it doesn't feel like an affair but maybe a financial situation he's got himself into, his obsessional secrecy and control of finances could be the clue.

OP wrote: I’ve been wanting to buy a home for a while. Our daughter laughs and tells DH he will have to come clean with his earnings when we do but he just scoffs and dismisses it.

It sounds like a huge game to DD: See how much Dad can take the piss out of Mum. You might be right about debts, but assets are a more likely reason for this much secrecy.

I'd be more worried that he would be entitled to hers...

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to read what you're going through. In terms of 'not having any paperwork' (that you are aware of anyway), is it possible that he may have a rented space somewhere / lock-up, where he could be keeping all his paperwork? Any bunches of keys with keys you don't recognise on? Just a thought. Stick to your guns & move on up and out of your marriage.

Do search the car. He will most certainly try to hide assets - secret bank accounts, pensions etc. get a head start by getting entirely clear on the financial picture, if you can. It’s likely the answers are in
the car. Take photos of everything (even if it seems completely irrelevant) and email the info to a secondary email account, then delete it from your phone and ‘sent’ items. You’ll be glad you took the opportunity.