To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Perhaps he’s having an online affair with a someone abroad? He’s had the trip in mind for some time if he got his passport 12 months ago.

Even without an OW, this behaviour is enough to end the marriage. It’s selfish and he clearly doesn’t want to go on holiday with you so what’s the point in being married.

Or book the same flight and don’t tell him.

Or don't book the flight and call his bluff.

Really sorry this is happening to you OP. I know this is easier said than done, but whilst he is away, I would be treating myself to some spa days, meals out, a couple of treats for myself… because if he ‘deserves’ it, so do you.

it sounds like you’re not going to get any answers before he goes, so I would check out for now, leave him alone and try to detach yourself whilst he is away. Meanwhile, I’d have a good think about how you want to approach your future when he is back.

Is he going somewhere that sex workers would be easily accessible?

i) Affair - but doesn't seem likely
ii) Mental health issues
iii) Hospital / Medical and doesn't want you to know/ talk to them about it
iv) Extended family issue and doesn't want you to know/ talk to them about it
v) Stress/depression (more MH) but thinks if all went on a holiday then it will add to the stress/depression rather than reduce it

WRT to not having a family holiday, DH and I have been together nearly 30 years and have never been on a family holiday together - in fact we still haven't had a honeymoon either.

They don't regret it because they don't take any responsibility for it. If they experience any consequences they just tell themselves that life, and people, have been massively unfair to poor little them. They are lost causes.

Glued to his phone = more red flags than the Bolshevik revolution.

Sorry you’re in this position OP. It’s pretty obvious that he’s very likely going away to have sex with someone else. Just remember that you don’t need proof to take action. My ex DH denied it but I told him I didn’t believe him and left. Six months later, surprise, surprise, I found out for certain that he had been cheating when we were together. Trust your instincts.

I would be getting rid of him he is treating you very badly and your daughter sounds horrible. I get that any adult child would not want to get involved in there parents marriage but she is cleary siding with her father. It would have hurt very much to hear from her that he thinks things are nicer when you're not there. I wonder why she told you this? if she lives at home I would be telling her to get her own place. It's okay if he wanted time away if he felt stressed but what harm would it be telling you where and flight and hotel information. Of course anyone would think it's an affair if I knew the flight information I would be at the airport to see if he was travelling with someone. If he is glued to his phone could it be an online romance? I would have to see the flight booking to see if its a last minute decision.

looks Like a duck,walks like a duck! Affair/ wanting affair!

Interpals? Plenty of catfish on that site.

So sad for you, Op.
I'd be very upset that DH did not think to invite you.
Time away from pressures of every day life is what you both could really use.
What would he say to you joining him half way through the week? Could you have uncomplicated fun together?
Would that be amazing?

My money is on that he’s going with someone else or meeting someone there. It’s horrible.

I guess it could be surgery, or teeth, but not so likelY

I’m over 50 and have discovered:

One ex kerbcrawling for sex workers in several red light districts in our nearest large city but said he had stopped because his job could be at risk if he was arrested. Now age 55.

An old friend, confirmed bachelor, who started online chatting on Interpals but realised the lady he was engaged to was already married and now regularly visits a well-known red light district in Thailand to use the services of sex workers. Now age 58.

Someone I’ve known for over 40 years who went on overseas trips with an OW, his wife forgave him and he then began to frequent what I will call “premises” in our local city but claims to have only paid to “talk” to the sex workers there. Now age 53.

Someone from a dating site who seemed very dull but turned out to be having threesomes in hotels with strangers, arranged online. Now age 52.

About 15 years ago I happened to see my DP’s Google history - searches for escorts. He was very secretive about his phone. He later had two DC with one of the escorts but is now single again. Now age 54.

Before and during lockdown I was having long chats with someone on Interpals and had booked a flight to visit his city when he messaged a close female family member with the same spiel - we didn’t meet due to lockdown. Goodness knows how old he is.

My DD is a similar age to the OP’s DD and has several friends who do online sex work in different countries to earn money without physical contact.

I doubt that the OP’s DH is going overseas for dental work or having a mental breakdown.

Edit: I’m very happily single.

This 100% - is the tenancy in joint names?

I actually wouldn’t bother with detective work, tracking flights etc. He’s being extremely disrespectful and that’s all you need to know.

He should come clean with his earnings when you divorce him, I’d be searching for any evidence of finances. Your daughter’s behaviour must be very painful! She must realise his £100 a week is absolutely fuck all of the costs of raising a family and he’s a lying cheating abusive selfish turd. If you can have him taken off the tenancy that would be the easiest way to boot him out, you can change locks while he’s away.

I wouldn’t ask to go or ask any more questions about it before or after.
I would spend the week aiming to find out as much financial information as possible and be seeing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.
It doesn’t really matter in some ways if this is an affair- it sounds like you would be much happier out of this and I suspect financially better off

Given the defensiveness, you have good reason tho be suspicious.

What an arsehole!

Ew.

I'd put money on his behaviour right now being entirely down to the fact he is a complete coward.

He hasn't got the balls to just be honest with you that he is leaving, he has an OW, he has for a while, etc etc.

So he is treating you like shite - and then when he is gone and can't see your face, he is going to tell you its all over, probably for some totally made up spurious bullshit.

Get your shit together - finances, property, whatever you need to do.

The red flags are all there and have been for a long time - not knowing not just what your partner earns, but WHO they bank with? That is next level crazy shit!

Contributing only £100 a week to the household? Is that all, no bills or anything else? He has been absolutely taking you for a ride if thats the case!

Find out if you can boot him out and get him off the tenancy, assuming he is on it. Then he can come back from his hols and find his shit on teh doorstep and the locks changed, if he is in fact coming back of course.

Very sad situation for you to be in, but I completely agree with your dignified stance; no chasing, spying, stalking, turning up on holiday or burning passports… though I admit it’s tempting, you already know it won’t change much. All the info will come out in time, where he’s been, who with, why the secrecy etc. But it won’t change what he’s done or how he’s acted.

Rather than clinging onto a dead-in-the-water relationship with a disrespectful, distant man, you can be putting yourself back together and ensuring whatever comes after this is going to work FOR YOU. Make this the very last time he treats you as “less than” - you deserve so much better and don’t need to take this shit from anyone, let alone him. Keep your head up, OP, get your ducks in a row as they say, and show him exactly what he has lost as a consequence of his unbelievably selfish decision. Xx

How unkind, she is not being a pushover, some people have locks on their devices, phones, etc my husband does, I wouldn't dream of 'DEMANDING' to unlock his phone or iPad etc, they're his, even if the relationship was in major trouble, this poster needs kindness and support not to be made to feel stupid

This is totally unacceptable. You have to tell him your relationship will end if he goes. Ask him only if his health is OK (not mental, but real health - has he received a diagnosis of some sort privately?) and if his real health is OK, this is not your husband. I tend to urge people to stay and not divorce, but this is worse than an affair, this is sadism. The worst thing ever is not knowing and waiting - does not matter for what, but the waiting is the worst - waiting for exam results, uni acceptance, medical test result, job interview result - this is usually torture if the result is important to you. He is effectively torturing you, it is worse than an affair, it is sadistic. It shows zero concern for you, Never thought I would write this - but you need to dump him, even if he is having some sort of mental crisis or breakdown - he shows you mean nothing to him. I would have maybe said - forgive an affair, but never, ever forgive this sort of behaviour and attitude. Monstrous. Evil.

Your marriage is over, you suspect an affair he doesnt care about you. Use the time alone to get all the paperwork you need, all the evidence if assets/ his earnings, pension etc and see a solicitor.