To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Think we all know he's up to no good.

Suspect you do too op.

Neither crazy, nor disrespectful if he needs space.

The script just changes slightly but never fully. I am so sorry OP.

How is this not damaging for your daughter? She is a middle man between you and your husband because you are unable to communicate with each other. She is going to think this is normal when no loving partner should be able to treat their other half with such disrespect.

I’ve got so many emotions going on. It feels like someone’s washing up in my stomach 🤢 I’m thinking 34 yrs gone over 5 days away with OW. OW I think I’ve suspected for a while but had no proof of and been gaslit about my feelings

One thing I would do when he’s back is ask him to sleep in the spareroom or you sleep there.

The relationship would be as good as over if a man did this to me so I’d not want to go back to living as partners.

I do find it strange that you’ve never been away together in 34 years.

He has children too. You can't walk out on your family (even if just for a holiday) without an explanation because you need 'space'

Surely you don't need to fly to a different country for space!

I go to M and S for a pot of tea!

This is horrible for you, @JustMissNobody. I'm sorry you're being treated like the downstairs maid - by your daughter as well as your husband 😢

To be clear:
it's absolutely awful that he's never once agreed to a holiday with you;
it's awful that he's now dropped his 'holiday' on you at short notice;
it's awful that he doesn't see the need to inform you;
it's dreadful that he's reacting with anger to your questions;
it's disturbing that your daughter upholds his dismissal of you.

Maybe your username reflects the way your family treat you, but there are limits to everything, aren't there? You can't tolerate this.

Is he even intending to come back? If he does, he must know he's fucked your marriage over for good.

If there's somewhere for you to go, I'd recommend going there before the end of the week. Take your important paperwork, documents, etc, and get started on a divorce.

If there isn't, change the bloody locks. Let him call the police to get back in, at least you'll have made your point.

Again, I'm really sorry for your situation
Don't cave. Fight!

Has he had any health issues?

Are you sure everything is ok financially?

Does he have a return flight booked?

I know, I found out tonight too that when I went away for the weeken with one of my other DC’s & GC for the weekend a few weeks ago DH said to our daughter ‘isn’t it nice when she’s not here’ I was mortified when she told me what he’d said

lovely post @Garlicfest I think you summed everything up so well.

OP the fact you’ve never been away with him despite asking him many times coupled with this strange behaviour makes me think whatever’s been going on has been going on for a while . I wonder if he’s even been emotionally checked out your marriage for a long while? He doesn’t seem to like or respect you.

I think you’ve been surrounded by gaslighters so you’ve maybe not been able to confront what’s staring you in the face. Do you have anyone (not your kids) irl you can talk to as well?

Honestly, given your last post, I say let him go and change the locks when he's gone. When you love and respect someone, you don't say that kind of thing to your dc about your wife and you don't up and leave on a mystery holiday last minute either.

No health issues, none that I’m aware of anyway or that he’s been concerned about. No recent doctors appointments.
Hes either been exceptionally busy at work or doing something else entirely because he’s been working very long hours. (Out early, home late) and knackered most nights when he gets in.
he does have return flight booked for Friday

Has he always had a valid passport, despite never having been abroad?

How long has he been working these long hours for?

I've known two men to behave like this before, both self employed and both turned out to be mental breakdowns.

However, given your last post I'm not sure that's the case here. Make sure he can't clear out your bank accounts.

Selfish man. Safeguard your finances

Affair or not. It never ceases to amaze me that men think that they can just behave like this and their wives won’t question it.

Really fucking bizarre behaviour and not how you act in a repsectful relationship!

This is very unfair OP. He is being completely unreasonable. Please do not let anyone suggest, convince or gaslight you into believing you are being unreasonable for wondering where your husband of 34 years is going for 5 days. The secrecy and silent treatment is so disrespectful, who does he think he is!!

I agree, everyone is entitled to a break, space, timeout or whatever they need. It was the manner in which it was done and his attitude to questioning if he was going alone. I would be more than happy for him to take a holiday if that’s what he needed with or without me, with better timing and communication. I don’t think that’s too much to ask

Book the same flight as him and tell him you're coming. I suspect his reaction to this will clear everything up for you

Daughter is 26.
he hasn’t been abroad since he was about 18. I doubt very much he’s returning there he hated it

Op, you need to gather every single piece of financial information you can and see a solicitor at the very first opportunity to know where you stand and what you need to do. Monday if possible.

I'm very sorry but your husband is having an affair, and he isn't even trying to hide it.

there are way too many fed flags here. I would bet my house he's going on holiday with Ow. who owns the house you live in ? do u have a joint bank account.. I'd let him go on his holiday and change the locks while he was gone.