To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Depends on how modern the car is. If the car has sensors eg. those sensors that beep when you get too close to the car in front of you, or tells you when the road is icy, or recognises speed limit signs (which my 14 plate does) then they can only be fit in the showroom. I learnt that the hard way 🫣

The second thing I wanted to say was that you can start to get some power back by focusing on the fact that you now have time on your hands. Use the time he is away to your advantage. It doesn't matter what he is planning to do when he gets back compared to what you can plan or do now with that time.
Look carefully into options-solicitor advice or gathering any info you can
Arm yourself with knowledge.
Don't share any more with anyone who is not rooting for you.

If it turns out you really can't shut him out of the house...

I'd speak to solicitor and landlord about you ending YOUR tenancy asap and renting elsewhere (which would then not be the marital home). And then leave. And let him find all this out for himself in due course.

Of course you may not want to move and it may be a moot point as he may well decide he's moving in with his OW or has run away permanently to avoid tax/mafia/whatever... but worth considering.

Why are posters obsessed with the car? Think there’s bigger problems than what may or not be in the car?

This!

No, there is no excuse. Pity he's gone, maybe she could have put a tracker app or something on his phone, at least she'd know for sure. Or if she knows any of his work friends, maybe she could mention it casually, see if any more info turns up 😏

I don’t think he’d leave vital paperwork in the car in case it was stolen - thieves would just dump the paperwork somewhere and get the plates changed. He is the legal owner of the car and the OP doesn’t want to get a criminal record for breaking into it, even if he was keeping squirrels in there. A spare car key is light - he will have taken it with him. My DD takes both sets of car keys when travelling for work in case her house is burgled. Likewise he will have taken his iPad.

The poor OP has to work with all these theories going on in her mind - mafia, offshore bank accounts, drugs, squirrels, OW, Dignitas, double life, daughter colluding with her father, What an awful shock after over 30 years of marriage and no holidays. The divorce needs to be done properly via a solicitor specifically skilled in family law. She can then get on with her life without his £100 a week contribution that he’s not even paid for 2 weeks.

Yes- absolutely this

I feel like you (after you’ve got your ducks in a row re divorce) show your daughter this thread. She seems to have a warped view of normal

The OP doesn't need to worry about the car. The solicitors will find out for her when they fill in their forms.

uh, this thread has got pretty warped at some points...

MNers, the OP hasn't posted since five hours and FOUR pages of posts ago. I would imagine she is suuuuuper overwhelmed and trying to get her to break into a car is way above and beyond what is calm, reasonable and necessary.

Deep breath everyone. Cups of tea all round.

OP, I hope you're taking a breather.

Agreed. The last thing she needs is to find herself arrested for criminal damage where the DH can make her out to be crazy and gaslight her further.

I’ve found the spare key to his car … I don’t even know whether I care what’s in there though any more. I just feel empty now!

I was thinking maybe OP is currently at the solicitors. I hope you find it helpful, OP. All good thoughts x

oh - cross-post.

I get how you are feeling but check out the car.
And book the solicitor today if possible. Action will help

You could always just spread salmon paste on the underside of the interior carpets… 😈😈😈

Sending you a hug. I've been where you are - it's exhausting and you can lose all sense of yourself, what's true/false etc.
When the dust has settled a bit, do see your GP and contact Woman's Aid. A good counsellor should help you get through this and recover your self-esteem. It really is nightmarish.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - you just sound so deflated and hurt - rightly so. Stay strong.

Agree. Knowledge is power, and right now, he is possibly several paces ahead of you. Don't allow him to remain that way.

Definitely investigate.

Would you consider hiring a forensic accountant to find out about his finances? If you divorce, he deserves zero from you.

Be careful: it sounds as though he's narcissistic and is annexing your DD - and has been for some time. It's how they operate - they isolate you by picking off those closest to you and grooming them. Daughters are the most susceptible. It's a contemptible strategy but it lines their nest and ensures they have good narcissistic supply coming when they finally discard you (I think he will: from everything you say here I think he already has: if your daughter's agreeing with him it's probably not her fault - he may have been working on her for ages). My ex did the same thing and is still doing it from beyond wherever he's banished himself to. Ugh. There is another interest for sure - woman, man, whatever – and they may not be the first. Don't waste any time: he thinks you're a doormat and have no spine and now he's started it could get so much worse very quickly. I mean - even if I and all the others here are completely wrong and none of this is true he's still acting unilaterally in marriage, which is just not a unilateral arrangement. First stop just call a good family solicitor.

I’ve got an appointment with solicitor tomorrow so hopefully will get more advice on where to go from here