To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

@JustMissNobody just a thought: how about changing your name on here to MsEffingSomebody to help you get into character for this new, fighting substantial nobody's-doormat you? 💪

Can you look at his sat nav history and see if he’s been to a house repeatedly, or hotel?

Look in the boot, under the wheel in the boot, under the seats, in the glove compartment. He may have a burner phone.

Make notes if you find anything. Take pictures and email to private account.

Can you air tag his car?

I'd 100% be checking the car, finding concrete evidence of an affair or info on finances will surely put you in a stronger position with the divorce and for the solicitors. I'm sorry you're going through this.

If the car is in front of the house and you have a ring doorbell, I would be inclined to turn off the router when you go in the car, so he doesn't see that you have got into it

i hid a letter from the solicitor in my car. it was the only safe place i could hide it.

I also would have a hunt through the car. Don’t forget to lift everything out of the boot, including the floor

I’m fuming for you! I think this is totally unreasonable and I would be so hurt, angry and sad if my DH did this to me.

I’d either think mental breakdown or an affair. If it’s neither, he’s just being a selfish inconsiderate bastard and I’d find it impossible to forgive him for doing this when you haven’t had a holiday.

That speaks volumes I’m afraid. When my first husband left me - for another woman, but pretended no one was involved - he was still living at home and around for a while, changed his phone and kept it on him at all times.

right now you are in shock and you aren't interested in paperwork etc. but you NEED to get everything you can find. in a few weeks or months, you will thank yourself for getting what you can

This is crazy! You are married and have been together 34 years! I know DH’s passwords, phone code, salary and he knows all mine. These things aren’t meant to be personal secrets from your spouse.

Get a really good solicitor in place! You should possibly be entitled to half his pension, savings, house etc.

I would 100% be getting someone to go and spy on him when he leaves the airport. And they need to take video, not photos.

Having said that if I was having an affair I’d say my goodbyes at the baggage carousel, so maybe it’s completely pointless.

Nothing to add to the good advice re. your horrible dh, but in terms of your dd, I would tell her to mind her own business. You don't need her opinions on your marriage until she's had a couple of decades walking in your shoes. She's old enough to keep her opinions to herself.

Gosh, it must be terrible for you, and your daughter sounds like a right madam, reporting back no doubt.

Get looking for a one bedroom place asap and put notice in on your house if it’s in your name.

Ammunition for when he comes back and inevitably calls you crazy.

Please check and search everywhere and take photos of anything you find, email them to yourself so they are safe, and then delete the pics of your phone.

I was such a mug when my first H was cheating on me, I wished I’d done so much more when I could. You must gather evidence for the potential battle ahead of getting divorced.

If you need anyone to try and snoop online I’d gladly do it!

It really doesn't matter where he's gone, what he is doing this week, who he is with...

The fact he, he is a total cunt, and you don't want to live with him any more.

So focus on what you do want, and find out from the solicitor tomorrow the best way to achieve that, what you need to do, what you can do and what sort of time frame you're looking at.

I'd have a nosey in the car cos I am a nosey fucker, but I highly doubt there IS anything of any importance in there. He's taken the key because it is his habit to do so, nothing more.

@JustMissNobody Im sorry it’s hard but you need to get over the horrible shock, come up with a plan to gather and record as much evidence as you can. He will not see the error of his ways, it won’t be okay (if you stay together), you need to do your best to change what happens next. Find out if you’re about to get a mortgage (could be affected by age), talk to a lawyer asap. Don’t discuss this with any mutuals if you can avoid it. Definitely no one in his family, and if you’ve said anything already talk to them and tell them you were over reacting and it’s all fine now. I don’t want to be too over dramatic but you need to take yourself and your future happiness seriously, as seriously as you would your children’s health. What you do over the next few days could change your life forever, for the better. Write down all the things you were suspicious about before while it’s still fresh in your head.
he’s an abusive POS, he doesn’t deserve you, let whatever poor soul has him now have him. You’re free, nearly.

Nah tuna juice lol

OP, you only have access to the inside of his car until Friday and you’re more like to find something useful like his tax return than knickers. If you do find evidence of an OW it’s better to know than to live with this awful uncertainty. He has you walking on eggshells.

I feel for you and I hope that the best that can be, will be for you and your family when you get to the other side of this and you will, you are a strong patient and resourceful woman.

What has really struck me about your situation is your daughter's response. May I ask if she has a history of stirring trouble between you and your husband or other family? I only ask as I know several families that have members M & F that are never happier than when there is trouble and they take great pleasure in making things worse. Your daughter had no business telling you what her father said about you not being there, it sounds like she only did it to cause more problems between you and to hurt you. To sit and collude with him over this holiday in full view of you is so very mean. I know she would be out on her arse if it was done to me but that's just me.

This in no way excuses your husband's actions which are reprehensible whatever his reasons, there are no valid reasons to not communicate any issues he has with you. FWIW it really sounds like communication has been lacking for a long time.

This has been discussed to death

op can change the locks cos she is the only name on the tenancy as it’s a civil matter that needs to go to court regardless of marriage or not.
the police will not attend either.

OP can ask the solicitor tomorrow.

You can if there is history of domestic abuse. Occupation order.