To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Ya. Its better to look in the car. It prevents him being able to talk you around too if he is having an affair. Gives you more info

Re. tenant access when married, I clicked on the link by a PP. It said the tenant has access rights, but henceforth in order to retain those rights they are liable to pay 50% of the rent and all bills so his pathetic £100 per week stops immediately and he pays his way or loses the right to reside.

Good luck tomorrow OP, sending you strength 💪🏼

Once you have had a rummage through the car, hide the spare key so you can look again if need be. Obviously deny deny deny!

Look through the car OP, at some point in the future you'll be glad you did even if you're not sure now.

Now this is a prime example of why 500 heads are better than one. 🤩

• You are married/in a civil partnership and the tenancy is in your sole name – you both have legal rights to occupy the rented matrimonial home as if you are both tenants regardless of who is the tenant/licensee. These rights last until the marriage/civil partnership or the tenancy/licence ends unless the Court extends these by an occupation order. The non-tenant can apply for a court order to regain entry and to live there if they have left; to occupy the home as if they were the tenant/licensee and to pay rent or other outgoings that are to be treated as if paid by the tenant/licensee (although they would not become responsible for the tenant’s rent arrears).

Further to the law above, I have lived this - my ex husband tried to kick me out of our rented property by changing the lock when we were divorcing - he was told in no uncertain terms by his solicitor that he shouldn't have done it....and was forced to give me a key to the new lock. When I finally received the financial settlement I had to sign an undertaking, drawn up by his solicitor and witnessed by mine, that I'd leave the marital home immediately and my ex husband would have sole possession.

Wow! No respect at all for you. He’s done you a favour. Run while you’re still young enough to enjoy life. You can do this. 💪

I suppose the point about searching the car, and indeed the house, is that after this week you won't have another chance, OP. Personally I wouldn't be looking for lacy knickers so much as paperwork that might make a difference to a divorce settlement. Even if you find it, you don't have to use it, but in your shoes I'd be looking to widen my options before they close off for good.

Another vote here for searching the car. This really is a unique opportunity, though painful and uncomfortable.

Just to add that, echoing what I said way upthread, I don't think you can rule out financial impropriety, criminal activity or the possibility that he may not come back. So I think I would also want to check the car for any nasty surprises before they blow up in your face. Hopefully there are none, but I'd want to be as sure as I could be.

Thats true...but in OP case her husband's has been financially and psychologically abusive...thats domestic abuse. If its reported and documented, an occupation order can be applied for whereas the husband cannot stay in property...or same area etc.

@JustMissNobody

It's probably too late in the day for my advice (I'm 8 hours 'later' than UK). But the point of getting into his car isn't to look for anything connected with a possible OW. Who cares about that now? The 'SS Your Marriage' set sail some time ago simply based on the awful way he's treated you and is continuing to treat you. So never mind if or who this putative OW is. TBF I might even to feel a sense of hope (through my pain) that perhaps he might actually leave to be with her and that I won't have to go through a lot of ugliness and expense to get him out.

The point of getting into his car is to look for financial information. Paperwork in the glove box, side pockets, boot, even in the trash. Anything, even scraps of paper or receipts that may have an account number on it or mention a financial institution. Take pictures of it, then put it back. And the only reason to review the SatNav is to look for financial 'locations'. Banks or investment firms.

I know it's hard. I know it's exhausting and so tempting to just shut down. But you really can't afford to do that. Remember Churchill's saying; "If you're going through hell, just keep going". And that's what you have to do. You have the strength to carry this through. Up til now you've been using that strength to endure his treatment of you to 'keep the marriage'. Now you can redirect all that strength to ending it.

You can do this.

I think this was over 2 daughters. One had day out, and the younger one that lives at home?
I can't wrap my head around how a daughter thinks this whole situation is ok. Has she grown up seeing unhealthy relationship only, so this is normal to her?

He's not paid for 2 weeks now so he better have OW, he will need to move somewhere.
Preferably with a turncoat daughter

As a self employed person he is doing accounts each year, or has an accountant to do them for him. Have you seen anything regarding a ' government gateway account'?
Is he the type to declare all his earnings?
If so, and you decide to split, he will have to show these accounts as proof of income.
If he is not the type to declare honestly, you may need a forensic accountant.

If you decide to part it would be a great shame for him to rip you off when he has contributed so little.
You won't feel great at the moment, but you have a week 'free' of him. I'd use it.

Ahh I didn't pick up on that, thanks!

Stereotyping much? Disgusting comment from an obvious misandrist. Your post is utter garbage.

Yes, good advice! His behaviour is so bizarre, there could even be camera locations that you are not aware of!

Wait til DD is out the way, then make sure your phone is charged with plenty of storage space, disconnect the ring doorbell actually switch off the router so it's an 'area-wide broadband outage' in case he's checking up, then put your phone on flight mode, take a deep breath, and checkout his car. Remember to look under the spare tyre not just the obvious places, and document anything you find.

Go to a friend's or cafe with free wifi, and set yourself up with a new email, gmail's easy and free, make up a fake name and use that. Send yourself the photos you've just taken as attachments, and keep all correspondence with the solicitor on this email. You never know, he might be tracking your internet activity. But in any event, keep all this stuff completely separate fro your normal email. Wipe the photos off your phone, and sign out of your new email after every use - do not store the login details and password on your phone.

Very best of luck @JustMissNobody and when all this is over, change your user name to IAmDefinitelySomebody..

I know people are trying to encourage the Op...but what she said there... absolutely nothing dodgy suggested - he's a sole trader, perfectly normal if he deals only with HMRC for his tax purposes, doesn't even need an accountant.

This scenario of his work situation is the same as thousands of sole traders and has no whiff of being dodgy for tax. Worked in accountancy for years - so nothing unusual here. ( Except his obvious dodginess towards his wife ! )

If he does not value your relationship, then its worthless to both of you.

@JustMissNobody don't hang around in filing for divorce. He will have to submit 12months of accounts when he does the financial disclosure. You want that to be as soon as possible so you don’t give him time to squirrel away any assets.

If I had my time over I would have applied quicker.

Speak to your solicitor and get a forensic accountant- they will know how to trace every penny in and out, and you must fight to keep any money left to you by family/inheritance etc although legally he can claim half. If he has a gucci pension tucked away that’s your bargaining chip. Give nothing away, keep your powder dry, and try to think to yourself that he has done you a massive favour by fucking right off out of your life while you still have time to rebuild. I’m sorry you are having to piece together bits of your life but there’s little value in knowing all the sordid details. He has shown you who he is and you are well shot, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now maybe. In a few years you will look back and think thank god you’re free. Chin up girl. You deserve better.

Just thinking aloud here re tracing his income, so that he can't hide - do you know who any of his recent clients are? I wonder if they could be required to show any bank details they have for him?

Wishing the best for you. The next few months may be tough but 2025 will be the start of a new and better life. Adventure awaits.

He definitely IS being financially and domestically abusive, so I would leverage that for all it is worth in preserving your savings and getting what you can from him to recoup what he should have been paying toward the household all these years.

It sounds as though if you divorced he would be paying you off not the other way around. He won't be secretive with his money for nothing. If his business is doing well its likely he's got a fair amount coming in. There are so many red flags here. I would be prepared to leave him or for him leaving sooner rather than later tbh.