To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

I think it’s just given me the opportunity to put things together in my head an realise the whole situation more clearly and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want anything from him. He’s shown his hand doing what he’s done and that’s just too far of a push for me to come back from

You are doing remarkably well given the situation.
Try and do something to take your mind off it. See a friend, have a bath and good sleep if you can.

This happened to me. After 27 years my ex partner decided he was going to have a week away on his own as he was "stressed". It took me a while to gather evidence but he went with another woman to the Lake District. I did a deep dive into his emails when I got the chance and found a drop box account full of photos of them together.

He will lie and lie and will make out this is your fault. My ex had set up a joint bank account with the other woman and when I found evidence of it he said they were setting up a business together. I left him eventually and have been living away from him for over 4 years. He still lives in our old house which we jointly own. He's a cunt.

Sorry. I just realised I just took this as an opportunity to vent. I'm just so angry for you.

Where did he usually store his passport @JustMissNobody ?
Does he have a will? Where would he store the paper form of that?
Does he have a folder of guarantees as these often get sent in hard copy?
He's got to have squirreled them away somewhere and, you're a smart and resourceful lady, you'll find them.
Check the underside of drawers and furniture, I've hidden stuff like that before

Agreed. It may be there's nothing in the car, but ultimately there could be something that will end up being of importance to you. Honestly, I totally understand how you're feeling, so ask yourself, "what if I DON'T look? Will I regret it?".

If you think he's likely to be keeping an eye on the doorbell camera, either turn off your wifi or bring the doorbell in to charge up before you go and look. Do it when you know your DD isn't going to come home.

If there is anything to find, make sure you leave it in place, take photos for your own records, then take it to the solicitor with you.

Get yourself in that car with the keys and start hunting asap

I think because people are assuming that dh has hidden things in the car, such as business accounts, invoices, general paperwork etc. Dh took his car keys with him , but took a taxi to the airport.

Ah @highdaysandholudays He's more of a cock.

Same-same in my life, give or take. So hard not to vent, though years down the line it gets easier to ignore them and whatever they did. It's also astonishing - gobsmacking – how the scales suddenly fall from your eyes and you see with such clarity what you never saw for all those years. How credulous we were, how straightforward they seemed. How we trusted them. Now if you're at all like me you can't imagine how you'd ever trust anyone. But that's also why it's important to say it like it is when someone's just finding out a terrible truth. Makes you angry all over again.

Don't check the car out whilst your daughter is at home or due home - but I guess you have already thought of that.

Even if there is nothing in the car, you will at least then know that ! and if there is anything in the car - well that's a bonus !

Good luck at the solicitors tomorrow - that's a major step forward in your favour and i am sure you will have lots to ask / say - maybe have a reread of the replies on here with a notebook to hand ?

I've nothing of any practical use to suggest here that hasn't been said already. I am so sorry this is happening to you and I am in awe of your strength and dignity. You may feel alone but you have the mighty force of Mumsnet willing you in here. Take care of yourself.

Is there SatNav in the car? If so, can you check past locations?

I know ppl have been keen for me to get into his car to look for paperwork, banking/buiness info etc. tbh when I wanted to get into the car I wasn’t even thinking about any of that. I wanted access to look for evidence of OW, but I think I’ve already convinced myself that there must be (why else would he behave like this). So what would finding a pair of dirty knickers in the car achieve? They’d probably just be lacy and sexier than mine and I’d be truly fucked off then 🤬

There is yes but his job takes him all over the place

But you could still look up the last 20 to see if suspicious. If one was a solicitors for example….. or a dodgy part of town.

Actually now made me laugh

But you're RIGHT - there's no point trying to get inside his head or his twisted plans or anything else: he'll have spun a whole web and it'll do your head in. He'll have been saying he has no money all this time and will have been squirrelling it away. Or maybe he owns the moon and never said. Mine told me we were moving away to another country, went through all the motions with me while (it later turned out) at the same time he was telling his family he was afraid I would run away and abduct the children, then when I moved – I literally moved lock stock and barrel back to the UK – he just didn't come with us and pretended to all our friends (and his lawyers) I'd run off and abducted the kids. It beggars belief what some people can do.

Some of the best advice I ever got was protect YOUR OWN boundaries. Which doesn't mean poking into his and trying to enter into combat with him - it means icing over, chilling, withdrawing, becoming the inscrutable ice maiden. Tell him nothing: it's your best defence. Just gather support you can trust around you, stay true to your DCs and protect yourself.

Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow.

I guess ask yourself if comes home and admits that he's been in Turkey having a butt lift 😂 do you still want to remain married to him?

If you don't then it's worth a rummage in the car and in the spare wheel space to see if he has squirrelled important docs there though I think unless he is planning to leave imminently they're in far more danger of theft in a work car than under the bed.

If you only find knickers then I guess you will be in a suitable frame of mind when you meet your solicitor.

Op I haven't read the full thread sorry - but pressed for time.
But whilst he is away I'd be looking for paperwork and hiring a solicitor. See what position you're in and get things set. I'd make the appointment for a solicitor asap. He sounds like he might hide things you need so good to take advice now and gather everything whilst he's away.
Sorry I know this must be hard. Xxx

But you may find details that would directly impact you regarding his finances/business/life he has kept from you?

Well I hope wherever they are she’s got a mega dose of bath bomb thrush and he’s got the trots.
And we all start off with ‘those’ knickers and mini breaks and end up in Sloggies and Centre Parks.
This is what I have learned - if you start a relationship based on lies, and another person’s pain, you better sleep with one eye open as you will always be aware of what the other is capable of.
If he’s spent years in his marriage hiding money, hiding his business and basically who he really is, do you honestly think any new woman would get a true picture of him? No. He can do to her what he’s done to you.
Good luck tomorrow and just get through it as best you can, OP.

You really need to look in the car.

You might discover something that puts you in a stronger position for whatever lies ahead

@OP well done! that's great. Information is power and will be really helpful for you in the coming days.

Now to write your list of questions for the lawyer out as you will not remember it all unless you do & you want to make it as productive a meeting as possible - remember they are not a counsellor or therapist and their time costs you want legal advice.

1. How do you manage when he comes back home? What are your rights re the house and living arrangements and what is your best course of action according to the law
2. How can you get DH to provide all financial information as he may have very little or he may have squirreled away a lot you have no way of knowing as he has kept this from you
3. OTHERS????

Preparation for the solicitor appointment:

1. Note a question but a piece of preparation. You should get your bank files in order so you know the general costs that you pay for in the house and how much DH contributes. This will be important in the settlement calculation etc and in initial negotiations and even possibly in what happens re housing and any increase in costs in the near term due to changed living arrangements.
2. OTHERS?????

Absolutely this. It must be so hard but the more information you have the better you will be.

It’s highly speculative and not worth the risk by doing damage to a vehicle the op doesn’t own.

I see she has found the key anyway.

OP he took his keys because he doesn't want you in the car because there's probably evidence of something. Whether it's OW or finances I say take this opportunity that you won't get again!

I know you might see something seedy like frilly pants but try to grey rock. Fuck him. Close your heart and use your head to get the upper hand in this situation and get a bit of control back.

The fact he doesn't want you in his car would be reason enough for me to go fucking forensic on it.