Sitting in the garden whilst dc in bed

[Wherearethestarsthen]

Do you do it?

Dd has just turned 6 and is going through some anxieties so one of us will lie with her until she falls asleep in our bed, then either fall asleep/go on phone etc or come downstairs to watch tv.
We both sat in the back garden this evening and kept the patio open, front patio locked, she is upstairs in main bedroom

Would you do this? Is it ok?

@BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 Yeah…I know I’ve failed

I think your assumption (and lashing out) that a PP used the CIO method when she didn't say that she did has caused a bit of controversy OP.
You can absolutely sit in your own garden while your child is safely in bed. Guilt free.

🤣🤣🤣little minx!!

I had six pages of judgemental and bitchy comments and lashing out, wasn’t expecting that, didn’t realise I’d actually done anything wrong by asking this question, then the blame was put on me for being an anxious person (I’m actually pretty chilled, my Dd isn’t) and that I am modelling that/passing it on to her, so it must be might fault. Then I was attacked and put down for us still lying next to Dd after her story until she falls asleep, I’m not a competent parent for doing that and should have sorted that by age one.
I never realised all this

yes I know children are not dogs but hear me out……

We once had this nutty dog that would freak out at new things. New handbag - scared. Take the bin bag out - scared. New person - scared. No idea why, we’d had her since she was a pup, she was just wired a little differently.

We hired an dog trainer/ phycologist to come help. She said one of the biggest things we did wrong was cuddle the dog/ talk to her whenever she got anxious over something that we shouldn’t be getting anxious about. We were validating that the new handbag was something to be scared of.

Ive often thought about that with the kids some 20 years later. Eg Fireworks - we don’t cuddle and go inside if they get upset. We might make accommodations instead like ear muffs but absolutely stay outside and enjoy. Ie it’s not something to be scared of BUT I am not ignoring your feelings on the matter.

i think by staying with a child whilst they are falling asleep, you are validating that being by herself and falling asleep is a scary thing. Instead, perhaps think about the accommodations you could make instead.

I know you asked a simple question over a garden. However the reason you were leapt on by ‘vipers’ is because the question was so far beyond normal that your own anxiety really showed. It’s important that we don’t pass those anxieties on.

Hope you see this as being helpful rather than a lecture or an attack. My intentions are positive.

@Flossyts She doesn’t think falling asleep is a scary thing. It’s just what we’ve done, teeth, pjs, cuddle up for stories together, chat sometimes, bedtime is often a time when she opens up about things, then fall asleep, we sometimes fall asleep too.
It honestly would have never crossed my mind that this is an awful thing to do and that I was making her anxious doing this, the opposite in fact, a cosy, loving time, but instead I’m fucking my child up 🤷🏻‍♀️

You aren’t fucking her up, but you are making life much harder for yourselves.

Yes probably

That's a normal routine and that in itself wouldn't make a child anxious.

But the snapshot you've portrayed, suggests that you don't have much life outside of your daughter. If she's got to 6 and you didn't know if you could sit in the garden when she's asleep. I would say I live a fairly normal life and most weekends when our kids were small we had friends over, often they have kids too, then you put them all to bed and then enjoy ourselves in adult company. Yes, out in the garden, even drinking wine. Dds would have had to come and get us if there was a problem.

But what that does, is it takes pressure OFF a child. We love them very very much but have a life outside of them.

It sounds like your entire happiness depends on your dds happiness. And that's pressure for her. Far far too much pressure.

I remember a friend of mine did this to her kid. Everything was his decision, every action designed for his happiness. And it doesn't work. 'shall we get pizza or fish and chips Bob? What do you like best?' I remember Bob looking anxious from one parent to the other trying to work out which answer would keep everyone happy. Where as 'let's go for pizza' would just be a happy 'yay'.

@arethereanyleftatall Again…making assumptions & judgements. I don’t put any pressure on her and we definitely do have a life outside of her, we just don’t tend to sit outside much, not sure why and wondered if others do..prompted by what my friend said about someone she knew.

Maybe you’re right, I should think more about myself/us, can’t do right for doing wrong. What you think is the best parenting turns out to be wrong and really I shouldn’t have given as much of a damn

Right. Well I was trying to be kind and offer advice to help you since you said you were struggling.

Mumsnet is full of psychics, it seems. You came here with a practical question and found an army of unhinged instagram-cheap psichologists, diagnosing you trough online posts... Excuse but I'm going to bed now, and you should do the same. Your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you, by the way. Ignore the crazy bullies.
Oh, and to answer your question, speak to your daughter and find a routine that fits you as a family. It will be fine.

@AnonyMoi Thanks, that’s kind.
We all try our best as we love our kids so much, who can say what’s right or wrong really, just want her to feel secure and happy

Unless you’re in a massive mansion in another wing of the house a long distance from your child it’s fine 😄 they can come and get you in the garden if they’re worried / upset / poorly

Please don't give a diagram of your layout to strangers on the internet :') What a mental thing to ask for

I would, but with a camera. We have a way to travel from the garden to the bedroom and the house sits in the edge of woodland. I wouldn’t hear DD if anything happened without the monitor.

Op we've got a baby monitor for our 6yr old. Just audio. We've got it as our walls are thick Victorian walls and you can't hear if anyone called from bedroom when we are downstairs. Would be good for you if you want to sit in garden and worried.

I'm assuming you don't have a monitor or camera or anything? Assuming that, I would feel it was fine as long as she knows where you are so she doesn't panic if she comes looking for you, and that you could hear her if she shouted to say she was sick or something.

We sit outside on the balcony on holidays, just leave the door open a crack so we could hear if they shouted.

At home we wouldn't hear the kids in half the house so we have monitors so they know they can talk to us if needed. Rarely happens these days, last 2 times was when one started throwing up and when the other lost her tooth and panicked because she couldn't find it (was in her bed!)

I know some people will say too old for monitors (7 and 8 now), but it is so practical and helpful! We can go in the garden, garage, anywhere in the house, they take them to the grandparents as they just plug in and the grandparents are quite deaf! and if they ever need us they talk and we can press a button to talk back. Both were second hand from ebay. Angel ones if that helps. Might give you peace of mind.

We used to have the camera and monitor when she was a baby, but haven’t used it in so long

your bedtime with your daighter sounds gorgeous. and its far been proven and told how those bedtime routines are some of the most important and or cherished. its a really vital time of day, that many, if all people love to do with their kids. its such a healing,cosy, lovely time to have with your child. and falling alseep with them isnt a crime. and is def instilling safety. of course as a parent we know we go overboard. indulge, and yes often do more than we should. but that also makes you a good parent. and as long as it doesnt hinder either of you then screw it.
and if it does go too far for either of you then you work to bring it back. but again, you do so in a way that works for all of you. and only you.

if bedtime meant she screamed and wouldnt let you leave. or was then speerating the two of you in a detrimental way, or she slept with you and there was NO other way. then eventually yes, when both you and your husband could, it would need some changing. but these things happen. and they quickly change back. sometimes with intervention and sometimes jsut nautrally. but nyou know what it happens a hell of lot easier when your child feels safe. like a team. and that its safe to then cha ge routines a bit. being pushed into something becasue internet ( sometimes liars and bullys) say you should is NOT the way. get opinions fine. but dont beat yoursefl up becasue of anything you ever read on internet forums.
please please dont change. this WILL HARM your daughter.
and dont change for people,strangers on here!
you are not failing.
your night routine sounds ideal, and perfect. and just yum. and it doesnt make you an over parenting over reactive woman. and its not forming her to be squishy no backbone anxiety ridden child. it makes her a cared for,loved soul. she can only thrive from that.

@Itsgottobeme Oh 🤗thank you so much