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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prison life choice?

190 replies

Hceey · 17/08/2024 19:42

I don't understand my DN. He is in prison and has been in and out for years on short sentences.

He comes out, lives in a homeless group for a bit, robs food and drink. No drugs to what I know to. He then goes back in prison at some point.

The whole thing is fucking ridiculous and I want to help him. But, I don't understand him and his way of thinking. The support from the system is not there. Yes, I don't know the full facts, I admit.

He comes out and does the same thing over and over. He has no support, they send him out and what? I don't understand how the system is meant to work?

He will be out soon with nothing, no home and no job. I think they give him some cash, but that's it.

I can offer him a sofa, but not long term. I cannot afford to support him though and so he will go back to robbing.

I feel useless.

AIBU to feel the system is shite?

I'm posting because I'm hoping to hear from someone who knows or been through this. Realistically, how hopeful is it he will ever get a job with his past?

Is his future really gonna be prison then retirement?

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 17/08/2024 19:48

Sadly, for the reasons you describe (lack of support) many do repeatedly re-offend.

It is very generous of you to offer him somewhere to stay and that, at least, may be a start.

The other major issue is that getting any type of employment will be extremely difficult for someone with multiple convictions. There are, however, places that do offer jobs to those who have been in prison. I believe Timpsons are very good - might be worth looking at and sign posting him to? Local knowledge may give other options for him too.

You seem lovely wanting to support him - do also keep in mind that you can only do so much - some of the effort needs to come from him.

MoosakaWithFries · 17/08/2024 19:58

What was his childhood like OP?

Usually someone with this kind of lifestyle has experienced considerable trauma prior to their offending.

NoLongerNHS · 17/08/2024 20:03

The system is underfunded so the support offered is patchy or non existent. But this is not the systems fault. He is making choices. Plenty of people get back on track. But is hard and you need to find your motivation to do so, which sadly he sounds like he does not have.

OlympicProcrastinator · 17/08/2024 20:03

When you say ‘the system’ what exactly do you mean? The prison and probation service are on their knees especially since Starmer introduced people only serving 40% of their sentence in custody. They cannot force him to abide by the law.

He won’t be able to get a job easily with all those convictions. And there is no housing.

People have to WANT to change. They need motivation or the ‘system’ can’t help. And prisons cannot people in for longer than their sentence even if it’s obvious they will reoffend.

NoLongerNHS · 17/08/2024 20:18

especially since Starmer introduced people only serving 40% of their sentence in custody.

Oh that is why the system is on its knees? Not 14 years of systematic starvation of funding and a confused philosophy about whether the aim of the system is rehabilitation or punishment.

Littletreefrog · 17/08/2024 20:23

Does he want to stay out? Until he wants to stay out there is nit much anyone can do. For some it really is a life choice.

GivingitToGod · 17/08/2024 20:24

Hceey · 17/08/2024 19:42

I don't understand my DN. He is in prison and has been in and out for years on short sentences.

He comes out, lives in a homeless group for a bit, robs food and drink. No drugs to what I know to. He then goes back in prison at some point.

The whole thing is fucking ridiculous and I want to help him. But, I don't understand him and his way of thinking. The support from the system is not there. Yes, I don't know the full facts, I admit.

He comes out and does the same thing over and over. He has no support, they send him out and what? I don't understand how the system is meant to work?

He will be out soon with nothing, no home and no job. I think they give him some cash, but that's it.

I can offer him a sofa, but not long term. I cannot afford to support him though and so he will go back to robbing.

I feel useless.

AIBU to feel the system is shite?

I'm posting because I'm hoping to hear from someone who knows or been through this. Realistically, how hopeful is it he will ever get a job with his past?

Is his future really gonna be prison then retirement?

Hi OP, I have personal experience of what you have described and I agree with you. A family member has a similar story; painful, frustrating and exhausting to see. FYI, on one of their releases from prison, they were set up with a job by a service supporting offenders. But, as one poster has said, they really need to want to change themselves. You are an amazing lady.
Hoping and praying for your nephew

PonyPatter44 · 17/08/2024 20:26

The prison will be trying to get him housing and a job from the moment he walks back through the door. It's what we do now, and we are measured on it. Unfortunately we are very hampered by the lack of mental health and substance misuse services in the community. Successive governments have expected prisons to solve all society's ills without providing money or outside support.

But.... he has to want to change. Until he decides that enough is enough, nothing anyone does for him will mend him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/08/2024 20:26

Don't offer him your sofa. He'll just do it all from the comfort of your home. And probably rob/steal from you, too.

GivingitToGod · 17/08/2024 20:27

OlympicProcrastinator · 17/08/2024 20:03

When you say ‘the system’ what exactly do you mean? The prison and probation service are on their knees especially since Starmer introduced people only serving 40% of their sentence in custody. They cannot force him to abide by the law.

He won’t be able to get a job easily with all those convictions. And there is no housing.

People have to WANT to change. They need motivation or the ‘system’ can’t help. And prisons cannot people in for longer than their sentence even if it’s obvious they will reoffend.

And prisoners/ex prisoners need support and opportunities

PonyPatter44 · 17/08/2024 20:27

OlympicProcrastinator · 17/08/2024 20:03

When you say ‘the system’ what exactly do you mean? The prison and probation service are on their knees especially since Starmer introduced people only serving 40% of their sentence in custody. They cannot force him to abide by the law.

He won’t be able to get a job easily with all those convictions. And there is no housing.

People have to WANT to change. They need motivation or the ‘system’ can’t help. And prisons cannot people in for longer than their sentence even if it’s obvious they will reoffend.

What, so this is down to SDS40? So the prisons weren't creaking at the seams prior to the GE? News to me...

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/08/2024 20:30

In prison they have clean clothes, a bed, a tv, 3 meals a day, snacks they can "buy", friends, a community. Then they come out, they get given less than £50 and now they need to find somewhere to sleep, something to eat, something to wear.

You can see why they then want to go back in.

FunLurker · 17/08/2024 20:35

Giving him a sofa is a start as he can then use the address to sign on. Once he's signed on he'll get benefits so can feed himself and then start looking for a bedsit, once in bedsit he can then start looking and applying for jobs.

Papyrophile · 17/08/2024 20:36

NoLongerNHS · 17/08/2024 20:18

especially since Starmer introduced people only serving 40% of their sentence in custody.

Oh that is why the system is on its knees? Not 14 years of systematic starvation of funding and a confused philosophy about whether the aim of the system is rehabilitation or punishment.

I don't know the answer to this. I suspect it is not clear. But my uncle served a custodial sentence in the late 60s or early 70s, and worked his socks off for another 30 years for the guy who gave him a break after release.

DonnaBanana · 17/08/2024 20:37

Some people like an institutionalised life. He might not have freedom but he gets a roof over his head, probably less violence and drugs, and three meals a day for nothing. No council tax, no stressing over bills or a job. If you can thrive in the prison culture to be honest I could see why you might want to stay in it.

Ophy83 · 17/08/2024 20:45

Redemption roasters is another business you could look at if in london

I listened to an excellent prison podcast a couple of years ago that may help with an insight into what how your nephew has been living /things that may help him. It's called Banged Up

OlympicProcrastinator · 17/08/2024 20:49

PonyPatter44 · 17/08/2024 20:27

What, so this is down to SDS40? So the prisons weren't creaking at the seams prior to the GE? News to me...

Show quote history

Errrm you completely missed the point of my post

MrsCat1 · 17/08/2024 20:50

Yes people need to want to change but they also need huge support to allow this change to happen and the system just isn't there. I work for a charity trying to provide support for people straight out of prison and the odds are heavily stacked against them. Housing, employment, mental health and substance abuse support etc etc. In the end it's the easiest option for many to re-offend.

I would offer him a sofa as a starting point. Then get him signed on. It is possible to find work (I've supported people in doing this) but it is very hard. And look at whether he might have some chance of being eligible for council housing (needs a local connection). That's a game changer if you can get council housing.

And look at a website called unlocked for lots of good info including ex-offender friendly employers.

Good luck.

quickturtle · 17/08/2024 20:52

FunLurker · 17/08/2024 20:35

Giving him a sofa is a start as he can then use the address to sign on. Once he's signed on he'll get benefits so can feed himself and then start looking for a bedsit, once in bedsit he can then start looking and applying for jobs.

It will take ages for him to find a bed sit he can afford and he won't be priority for council housing as he has a home

MrsCat1 · 17/08/2024 20:58

Private rentals are incredibly hard to come by. In the area where I work there is a queue of perhaps 15 people for each rental and ex-offenders will be at the bottom. But I have worked with people who have been housed by the council (took a long time) and also people who have got lucky and found landlords who specifically want to help ex-offenders. It's hard, very hard, but not impossible.

Btw the website I mentioned is unlock.org.uk.

Original poster
Hceey · 17/08/2024 21:00

Thank you to all.

I'm really struggling to understand the whole thing.

@Olympicprocrastinator I don't understand what you mean? You say there is no housing and he will find it hard to get a job, which I believe. But, how can he change if he does not have basic needs met?

How can I make him not rob to feed himself? How can I make him see prison is not better then being homeless on the street? I can tell him he needs to want change, but I need answers when he asks me the above.

@littletreefrog I think he wants to stay out, but I cannot be sure. He goes back to what he knows when it falls apart. I don't know how to stop it falling apart though.

@funlurker I'm happy for him to have the sofa. However, not for years on end. Last time he was out, he lived in a homeless group. I don't think any of the group had benefits money. From what I can work out, they just stole food and drink.

OP posts:
Mischance · 17/08/2024 21:00

Release preparation is virtually non-existent; educational opportunities are sporadic. It's another of those underfunded and under-staffed statutory services.

The sort of services that might have stopped him getting into this pattern in the first place also fall into that category.

Original poster
Hceey · 17/08/2024 21:02

Thank you @mrscat1 I will look at the website.

OP posts:
usernother · 17/08/2024 21:17

Prison isn't that bad for some of them. Sometimes they see their mates, get fed and watered, have a tv to watch, get drugs. It's often better than their life outside so that's why it's no deterrent.

Carebearsonmybed · 17/08/2024 21:35

He needs a fresh start somewhere new away from his peers.

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