To wonder what our life as a future couple will look like when he is so independent?

[FaithD]

Partner is an academic at an English uni and the position is permanent. I will also say he is on the spectrum and has an autism diagnosis which may explain the bluntness I'm about describe.

We've been together for nearly a year and we're early 30s. For the first 6 months we lived near each other, now we live 3 hours apart. I miss him but we meet frequently and so far it works. But I am starting to think - are we ever going to bridge the gap? What about kids?

Partner has just returned from the US visiting family (I couldn't go due to important work commitment) and casually said he wants to do a professorship there for 3-6 months if he can manage it. I said really, you'd leave for 6 months? He then said 'well, ok, hypothetically speaking only 3'!! He then said there are other places where he'd like to do this.

I said I sometimes wonder where I feature in his life and he said I could come (I can work remotely often) - to which I said it might be possible but I have my own life to live.

I have been under the impression we plan to be each other long term and I worry that even if we do have kids he expects me to be a single mother for all intents and purposes. Or that he doesn't consider me at all.

We have both lived in different countries and were attracted to each others independent streak. But it is causing tension for the future. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

Oh dear OP. You’d better read all of these threads first

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11?page=40&reply=136865352

i can only say don’t. So many of us not in a good place.

Not sure why you are putting all the responsibility on him. He offered you to come, you said you could but have your own life to live. Seems like you are both independent, not just him.
Academics will always be chasing opportunities. No point in dating one of you don't agree with the lifestyle.

@Catza Well he hasn't been clear about what his academic life will look like. He has told me the current position in England is 'forever' essentially - how am I supposed to know he also wants to take all these opportunities abroad?

He only offered me to come when I said 'hang on, where do I feature in all this?'. I have a job and a life here. It's about having a conversation that considers both and not me, the partner, being treated as a bolt on to the rest of his life.

So yes, I'm not saying it's just him. Clearly we are struggling to merge our independent lives into one.

But when we are actually together it's the best relationship I've been in. It feels right.

Don't be one of those women who allow themselves to be strung along for years, waiting for things to change. You are at a very critical time in your life, and your outlook for the future already doesn't align with his. Call it a day and move on.

You do realise that in any long-term relationship, your future is dictated by what your partner wants? If that is incompatible with what YOU want, it's a sign you need to break up, not a sign you need to change their mind.

I'm not sure what you mean @IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine

Surely it's up to the partners to have a conversation what each person wants?

I love him and I don't just want to DTMFA. I want to approach the 'future' conversation in a constructive way first.

This.

Well the future is going to be dictated by what he wants because he is very self focused.

Have a read of the long running thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5121753-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-12?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I think it was thread 11 where many of us talked about how it was having children that changed everything for the worse in terms of marriage, because suddenly our ND partners had demands on them that they couldn't cope well with. I'm not saying we regret our kids at all but you've absolutely got some of the hallmarks of concern/our red flags here so could be more aware of what future family life might bring.

How does your partner cope when dysregulated? Does he recognise it's building and have strategies in place to cope? Does he have any insight into his internal world?

What you've described is the typical life of an academic with or without neurodiversity, it's a transient life chasing opportunities. It's not really suited to settling down to a conventional family life. I've known many academics and they've all had to make sacrifices in their personal lives. It's very much like living with an emergency services employee. It's long hours and erratic working patterns and suits the independent soul.

As you're both independent, I would say you're incompatible as you're both unwilling to compromise. It's best to end it now before you get too involved and everything becomes complicated. Neither of you are wrong, you're just incompatible as life partners.

I have been under the impression we plan to be each other long term

Why would you still be under this impression? You live three hours apart, and he has just told you he wants to go abroad, to different places, for his career in the future. He only mentioned you could tag along when you challenged him on it. You're really not listening to what he's telling you.

You need to have a conversation about what the future you individually want and see if they align. If they don't, are they areas that are showstoppers for either of you or is there room for compromise?

On the surface people can seem really compatible. If it's going to be longer term, those compatibilities need to be deeper. If you are looking for someone to share your life with, you need to ensure you're with the right one. Especially if you do want kids. If you don't, you have a bit more time.

OP, he's a highly functioning autistic man.

"He only offered me to come when I said 'hang on, where do I feature in all this?"

Welcome to a relationship with an ASD person. He isn't doing it on purpose.

No amount of what ifs or online forum hand wringing will answer this for you.

Narrow down your queries in a few concise questions, deliver them in a written form so he has time to digest it, while asking only for a firm date to discuss it in no uncertain terms.

If the answers suit you, good. If not, at least you'll stop wasting time.

But do you feel it is okay to dictate to him according to your wants?

Ie, he sees that if he travels it should not be an issue as you are mobile and, he assumes, love and want to spend time with him. In his eyes, if you prioritise your relationship and your career/job, there is no conflict? You are saying ‘you have a life’ (assume this is friendships/hobbies), so you are prioritising your life over his career and aspirations - which may only be available at this point in his life and while he is childfree. I don’t think he was being that blunct - he was assuming that you would want to be with him and would be willing to use the flexibility afforded by your job to do so. That ‘your life’ outside him is more important to you is telling.

It strikes me as though he is not really the issue here - it’s your ambivalence about having children and your lack of desire to compromise parts of your life to spend time overseas with him - he didn’t seem to expect you to up-sticks at this stage, just to join him for extended periods over a 3m (possibly 6m) period?

I think you need to think about what you really want (ie DO you really want kids? And with him?); then you need to have a conversation with him about what HE really wants and establish whether there is enough alignment to justify continuing together. It seems to be YOUR independence, or desire for it, that is at the heart of this.

Exactly, you're trying to mould him into what you want and you're not respecting what he wants. Let him go and find someone who fits the idea of your Disney happy ever after.

You do seem fundamentally incompatible, unfortunately. You aren’t willing to become a trailing spouse, and he isn’t willing to forego the sort of opportunities that will advance his career. Neither of you are wrong, or bad, you’re just not compatible.

It sounds like you need someone who is and wants to continue to be based where you are. If you live together and have kids, you need someone who will put equal emphasis on covering you going to comedy gigs as he would work or golf trips.

I think that those who manage to raise a family and remain in a long term relationship really have to be partnership where there is compromise on both sides.
This goes for everyone, independent character or not.

If he is telling you that he wishes to further his academic career by taking up opportunities abroad then if you wish to stay together you would need to be more adaptable than a couple both with local 9-5 jobs.
If in your head you know that you will feel disgruntled and cross to possibly move abroad for a year as a family, or hold the fort alone for a few months at home, then it's something you need to consider before having children.

Trust me (and I’m being deadly serious here), you do not want to get into a relationship with an academic. The men are some of the most selfish, ego-driven and career-obsessed people you can meet. His job will always come first. One of my colleagues strung his lovely wife along for years before finally making it clear that he did not want to have children because it would impact his life too much. The very nature of the profession involves constantly striving for further success. He will never have done enough to satisfy himself, his employers and the people who dish out the research funding. It’s an international career (and promotion depends on proving that), so being based in one university is not a guarantee that he won’t be constantly travelling to other countries for conferences, visiting professorships, etc.

To be clear, I am not saying I am against trailing on occasion. It would be an opportunity to see new places with him.

I doubt it would be compatible with kids though. And as a woman who has always been independent, yes I feel like I'd been leaning into letting the man have his dream career while I miss out on things. Maybe not, but it's my fear.

Just to add - nowhere in your post do you say you love him. That this is not central to your dilemma suggests to me that you do not, at least, not enough.

Does his autism take the form of being totally focussed on you when you are there in front of him, but you, in effect, ceasing to exist if you aren't right there? I had a partner like this. Absolutely wonderful and couldn't do enough for me, if I was there. But if I wasn't constantly reminding him of my existence, he would live a solo life, untroubled by my wishes and wants. It was the way he was and he couldn't help it, but it did make me feel very very lonely. I hung on simply because it was so good if he was physically present, but...

It would be no way to raise children.

You're coming across as quite controlling and unwilling to listen to what's in front of you. You can't bend this situation to your liking, it is what it is & getting further involved will be disastrous.

@CautiousLurker I said I love him in a follow up post above!

That's a given.

Then it’s just not going to work, is it? There isn’t a compromise, a meeting halfway. It’s one or other of you not living the life you want. That’s a recipe for resentment.

It’s sad when you love each other dearly, but it’s not a goer and it’s probably best to end it sooner than later.