To wonder what our life as a future couple will look like when he is so independent?

[FaithD]

Partner is an academic at an English uni and the position is permanent. I will also say he is on the spectrum and has an autism diagnosis which may explain the bluntness I'm about describe.

We've been together for nearly a year and we're early 30s. For the first 6 months we lived near each other, now we live 3 hours apart. I miss him but we meet frequently and so far it works. But I am starting to think - are we ever going to bridge the gap? What about kids?

Partner has just returned from the US visiting family (I couldn't go due to important work commitment) and casually said he wants to do a professorship there for 3-6 months if he can manage it. I said really, you'd leave for 6 months? He then said 'well, ok, hypothetically speaking only 3'!! He then said there are other places where he'd like to do this.

I said I sometimes wonder where I feature in his life and he said I could come (I can work remotely often) - to which I said it might be possible but I have my own life to live.

I have been under the impression we plan to be each other long term and I worry that even if we do have kids he expects me to be a single mother for all intents and purposes. Or that he doesn't consider me at all.

We have both lived in different countries and were attracted to each others independent streak. But it is causing tension for the future. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

You need to talk to him and not listen to other people. I have lots of friends whose husbands spend time away from home with work (some military so lengthy periods of time). If you love one another, you can make it work. All the best!

My question here, given OPs comments about her being quite independent too, is whether those people with husbands who are away for long periods with kids also have their own careers? Or is their focus/priorities the family?

My husband is away a lot some years it’s about 12 weeks of the year. I became the primary caregiver and ended up, ironically given this thread, going down the academic route. It’s given me a flexible, PT career away from the home with potential to go FT now the kids are older, and work remotely and run my own courses privately. Other women like me retrained and run PT businesses/ consultancies but consciously chose to be the anchor at home (we have no local family to help). I know of one relationship between a senior air steward and pilot - that one ended in divorce due to stress of managing two schedules and the kids never know who was coming or going (literally).

I think the only way I can contribute usefully to this thread is to describe my own situation for the last 38 years.

I personally have been academic support staff and administrator for most of my working life. I’ve been married to DH for over 30 years. We met at grad student age. He was a high flyer who had gone up to the bar and then returned to do a PhD in law. Subj in which some said scoffingly ‘no one does a PhD’. 2 years in to studying he had his first academic research post and was about to intermit it for a prestigious 1 year teaching post in the US. We started dating a few weeks before the year away.

I suppose that was his first sabbatical. Also - later that year - my first holiday that was based around a sabbatical or conference. Fabulous road trip across the states as well as some time meeting his colleagues at the uni where the job was.

I can’t say I thought it was at all odd to have a career rather than a job. Academic, business man/woman, musician, architect and many, many more jobs involve working away for long periods of time. My own job has on occasion.

Maybe the DP being ND means that OP hasn’t had quite the same discussion or level of involvement in decisions that feels comfortable, however, there is nothing odd about taking up career opportunities, sabbaticals etc.

Those on here saying ‘academics are always chasing something’ aren’t painting a true picture of academic life as I’ve known it.Juggling a successful career and family life is something many families do. We juggle DC and 2 careers. When DC was small he came along to conferences and sabbatical leave. I was able to get sabbatical too. If I hadn’t been, DH would have negotiated a different deal or come home for a lot of weekends.When our DC was at school, DHs sabbatical leave jobs were usually 3 week stints at most. For 10 years he spent 10 days in Japan every January. What’s the hardship level of this? There isn’t one as far as I’m concerned. But, I guess this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. Although, I do think there are more people out there juggling careers and family life than this thread reflects.

People have kids and work/ move countries at the same time, this is perfectly possible. Ambassadors, politicians, sports people, corporate execs... Almost anyone remotely successful may get opportunities to relocate at any point in the future, unless they are already in London, but from London there's still NY, Paris, Beijing... Many many people I know work internationally and have families. It's a thing. People cope.

Also, international couples sometimes move back and forth if needed, e.g. in my office there's an Australian bloke with an English wife, they moved here as her parents needed care, with school aged kids and everything. Many other examples like this.

I said I sometimes wonder where I feature in his life and he said I could come (I can work remotely often) - to which I said it might be possible but I have my own life to live.

You have your own life to live - so does that mean he has to stay where you choose to live for the rest of his life? You would never move anywhere? What if you got a job offer in another part of the UK, or even Europe? What if you had kids and one of the kids got an amazing opportunity elsewhere, say, tennis academy in Florida? Academics often move universities and due to the specialisation, often the distances are vast or even cross-border.

If you're a home bird and he's a world traveller, you may simply not be compatible. I live very globally and have worked in 4 countries before age 35. I wouldn't date a man who just wants to live close to home forever and doesn't understand what having an international family and professional life means.

It doesn't sound like that's who you are though based on your description. What's stopping you from seeing it as a fun adventure for you both, or spending 3-6 months apart with long visits? What about the kids experiencing a year in America? Is there something else going on, are you perhaps cocnerned that you'd be influenced to leave Britain when you don't want to?

Personally I've drawn the line at moving to America with a partner in the past, although I'd move almost anywhere else. But that's a weird political beliefs/lifestye thing for me.

You can’t expect him to change his career aspirations for your biological clock. I think you’d be better off finding someone who wants the settled life you want.

Lots of people make it work with partners who work away for long periods, but that doesn’t sound like you’d be happy.

Would you expect to change your career plans for someone else to make them happy?

@ElleintheWoods no you're right. I've live in three countries so I'm not exactly a homebird. I have been back in my home city for four years though.

I think I fear getting swept up in his vision for his own life and losing the vision I have for mine.

For me 3 months apart if he's in Italy is a bit different to America for example. So I'm not saying I'm not open to the opportunities - as woo as it sounds I worry about losing myself.

Well @StormingNorman if we do have kids I would definitely have to put some of my plans on hold. So yes I do think compromise is required.

If there's an option to retrain doing something you love, then that's great.

When I met DH I hadn't really started my career so I could have done something like that. By the time I was OPs age I was well into a career and so to pivot would have been terrifying, and felt like a waste of the work I'd put in upto that point.

Sadly, the "done thing" is for the woman to compromise while the man gets his choice of career. Not always, I think my DH would have trailed after me if that's the way it had gone, but most of the time.

Yes I agree @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos it is definitely still women that make most of the compromises.

There are men who are willing to be more equal on the compromises to careers, so if that's what you want, have the conversation with him and go from there, but you might come to the conclusion he's not the one for you.

There is always the option of keeping it more long distance, if the mostly separate lives thing works well for you. You could follow him and work from the country if it appeals, or just visit for holidays if living there doesn't. But that will probably only work if you (both) decide you don't want to have kids.

Time for a conversation. Going away for 6 months doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. My DH works away months at a time, it's a part of our relationship, some careers require it. We'd never stop each other from opportunities like that, even with kids, but what you need to know is if he's committed to the relationship. And if he is, talk about your aspirations, what you both want out of life (careers and children) and how you can make it work.

But you don't have children yet. There's nothing wrong with a childless person going away for a few months. You don't even live together yet. You need to speak to him and work out what his family values are not just make assumptions.

Definitely be careful about that and think about what works for you. This may mean occasional periods apart. But could also open up new opportunities for you - British comedians that have done the festival circuit can be in demand in a number of countries.

I certainly had it with my ex where maybe at one point I lost a vision of who I wanted to be. I wanted to be near him so I sacrificed some of my professional life for a few years, and things could have turned out different if I hadn't. But it was a conscious choice as I wanted to pursue the relationship and knew I'd be able to get back on track in a new location. Equally he was very flexible about my 2-year job posting in Argentina.

I think living with an academic, moving around regularly is almost a given, it'll be difficult to settle in one place.

You may both have to occasionally step back for each other for the benefit of the family unit/couple, some compromise is required in these types of relationships. Even starting with 'whose parents are we seeing at Christmas?'

How committed is this man to you? That is the question. You could have years of infertility, or a disabled child, life is long and full if unexpected twists and turns. Right now Im on holiday with dh, dd’s and my elderly parents etc… my father has come down with covid and i have too. My dh of 29 years is a fully functioning husband who is handling everything. He is utterly committed to us.

But not for long….

Hm. You fear you might lose yourself. That’s real. I did when DC were little (I had three close together: twins before DC1 was 2). Nothing to do with DH.

Yep - I did a two year fellowship in Canada. I took DH and DS with me. Didn’t mean I wasn’t committed to them. This guy hasn’t even applied for the US placement, he has just mentioned it would be interesting to do in the future.

If DH was offered a six month job overseas I’d want him to take it up, and ideally go with him if we could make that work. Otherwise lots of trips to visit.

We have both lived in different countries and were attracted to each others independent streak. But it is causing tension for the future. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

No advice on the conversation but just wanted to say it is very very very very very common in early relationships (before you find 'the one') to find that what you were attracted to becomes a big turn off as things progress. Sort of be careful what you wish for.

Like you are so attracted to his maleness and masculinity as you feel so feminine but 12 months later, it starts to feel dominant, controlling and misogynistic.

It's one of the reasons that people have lots of relationships before they find a person who truly suits them. It's like shooting at a target and you get closer and closer to your bulls eye the more 'goes' you have.

I wonder whether this is a symptom of the same thing. That you were attracted to independence but now you reaslis that actually too much independence isn't great in a LTR because it is also equated with selfishness and not caring.

Maybe its just a sign he's not right for you.

I'd go for a fertility MOT. I think that MN is unusually populated by women who have had children later. Listening to a fertility doctor, she said that one third of the couples she sees have left it to late for it to happen naturally and that can be aged 35 for some. You might have years as someone said. Stating ten years isn't correct, the posibility of miscarriage gets higher. I never managed to carry a baby after 38 (I have three children) and losses. If you have time, then start to live together more.

This describes my dating life. I always seem to fall for ambitious types that I can't pin down while being independent myself. I think if I'd chosen a career I could do anywhere it would have been a lot easier. I don't really have any advice other than everything involves a degree of compromise but never compromise on your own financial security.

Also agree about a fertility MOT and possibly not ruling out egg freezing.

You can't force compatibility, and it seems your career paths are where you diverge. Throw this one back and find another.

That’s the thing though. Families can work with one parent spending periods of time overseas, so he may not realise you want him to give up those opportunities for children. It’s something you need to discuss.

After less than a year together, I think you’re jumping the gun on a lot of things like children and having a say in his career choices. You’re still in the fit in or fuck off stage so if you want different things you go your separate ways.

If you ask on an internet forum rather than asking your "partner" - I'd imagine either not great or independent futures TBH.

I think I fear getting swept up in his vision for his own life and losing the vision I have for mine.

You sound very separate from each other. You need to talk with him and find out his plans, share yours and see what plans you create together and if you are compatible together. You should be a team that has a plan and you work together to reach your goals.