To wonder what our life as a future couple will look like when he is so independent?

[FaithD]

Partner is an academic at an English uni and the position is permanent. I will also say he is on the spectrum and has an autism diagnosis which may explain the bluntness I'm about describe.

We've been together for nearly a year and we're early 30s. For the first 6 months we lived near each other, now we live 3 hours apart. I miss him but we meet frequently and so far it works. But I am starting to think - are we ever going to bridge the gap? What about kids?

Partner has just returned from the US visiting family (I couldn't go due to important work commitment) and casually said he wants to do a professorship there for 3-6 months if he can manage it. I said really, you'd leave for 6 months? He then said 'well, ok, hypothetically speaking only 3'!! He then said there are other places where he'd like to do this.

I said I sometimes wonder where I feature in his life and he said I could come (I can work remotely often) - to which I said it might be possible but I have my own life to live.

I have been under the impression we plan to be each other long term and I worry that even if we do have kids he expects me to be a single mother for all intents and purposes. Or that he doesn't consider me at all.

We have both lived in different countries and were attracted to each others independent streak. But it is causing tension for the future. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

A large part of this may well be his job. With the academic job market as tight as it is, it can be near impossible to move jobs (and definitely no "we love this city, let's look for jobs there..." while you could do this in other industries, academia just doesn't work that way).
Taking fellowships elsewhere (for up to a year, even) is also part of how you build this career. My husband and I lived apart for the first few years of our marriage, seeing each other only once a month. I also travel for research most years, sometimes for weeks at a time.
Now, none of these things might work for you. I am not even sure really whether it was worth it for us (and we are both academics, so both face the same choices and challenges). I have done less of these things since the birth of our child - and I wouldn't, for example, take a semester fellowship in a different country unless my family could come too - but, if I was building my career in an ideal way, I would be looking for opportunities like this.
The question, really, is is his career compatible with how you imagine your life? And does he intend ramping down once you have children?

The third option, if you don’t want to give up your opportunities to go with him, and you don’t want to stay here for six months without him, is for him not to go. Doesn’t sound like that will happen, and it’s no fairer to expect it of him than it is for you.

That’s why people are saying it won’t work. The circle can’t be squared.

Look, if you want to make it as a comedian and also have a family you need the opposite of this guy. You need a homebody who doesn't mind being the stable presence and who wants kids enough to shoulder his share or a bit more.

And they divorced without having any children. Ergo not the settling down type.

What pps said...

-Low pay... Yes other professions are transient but then there's silly money which they use for the family unit.

• Many can be very charming on occasion (in a quirky way) but just too much hard work unless you are willing to do lots of emotional labour. Frequent meltdowns and very self focused. As you get older you need EASY people not hard, complicated people.

• A lot just help themselves to younger women for social or dating (as there's a constant large intake of attractive new faces) ...see it as a perk of the job. There's zero accountability amongst colleagues (in fact, often they egg each other on) and this culture is fairly engrained.

(Especially if they are tall, white and from UK/USA/Europe and have a few OK social skills...the level of arrogance is :-O).

-Essentially they know they will have the option of a woman 15 years younger, so why worry about the wellbeing of the current partner?

Look at Ted Hughes and his lifestyle (down to eventually getting the supportive younger wife whilst ruining the lives of others).

Looked glam on paper but incredibly lonely and unfulfilling for the people involved with him plus Ted Hughes did some good poetry, most academics are obsessed with doing shit publications that no one is interested in and are totally irrelevant

Unless you want to sacrifice your mental wellbeing, don't. Sounds like you have a great life with loads of interests, date someone easier.

This. I have no doubt that hearing his ex wife's reasons for filing for divorce would be very, very enlightening.

This. She’s looking for someone to stay at home while she is independent. It may be he’s after the same, in which case it won’t work but neither of them is wrong as such

My DH works abroad frequently. He has been away for three months on three separate occasions and we now have 4 DC.

It has never been a problem as I don’t work, and it was easy to join him for a few weeks and have loads of fun in different places.

However, eldest starts school in September so he has agreed to not be away longer than six weeks, and to try to arrange trips around school holidays. That probably won’t work for an academic though!

I still get to do everything I want (I have loads of support and passive income) but it sounds like you would be the one doing all the compromising here.

I hope your conversation goes well.

Thanks @Ruthietuthie it is very helpful to hear that about the fellowships. He hasn't mentioned why they are important before - maybe that will come out of our conversation.

No as you've said I wouldn't expect him to take a semester's fellowship with us left at home hypothetically speaking. That would be a deal breaker for me personally.

@Billydavey I was attracted to him because of his sense of passion and ambition.

In the past I did go out with more home bodies but in the end they bored me to tears as I thought they seemed unmotivated.

Seeing the other side of that now!

Also, why aren't you semi living together now if you can work remotely and neither of you has kids? Surely you should be at the stage where you can just pack a bag, turn up in your scruffs and be at his for long periods.

And this is the problem.

This is a man you have been dating less than a year. Don't live with. In fact now live further away then when you first dated. Who is only 31 and looking at professional postings away for 3mths at a time. This is not an outrageous thing for a 31yr old to be doing.

In contrast. You are a woman panicking about her biological clock and stressing about your decreasing fertile years, and so projecting "whatabouttery" onto a man you've known less than a year and not even had the kids talk with - and that's ignoring the incompatible work focus that already exists between you.

You shouldn't be worrying about kids now, with a man you don't even live with. That's the cart waaaaaay before the horse.

I can't do that with my autistic boyfriend after 18 months. They often like their routine and time alone. Mine won't do school nights.

@DanceMeister we have started doing this and i am going to his for a longer period from next week.

That's your trouble really

If you marry an ambitious academic guy then they are absolutely going to be taking fellowships abroad and / or travelling to do research in other places or meet collaborators as well as go to conferences regularly. That is the life and they often have partners who are the 'trailing spouse' who goes along with them

If you have your own ambitions then you need a guy who is happy to take more of a supporting role but may be rather less exciting and less high earning. This is the road I went down after a few relationships with exciting high flying guys foundered on their assumption that if compromise and sacrifices were needed it would be me making them.

Have you read any of those threads OP on being married to someone with autism?

Good luck with getting him to talk about your future.

It’s a constant theme on there, that our partners/spouses will not ever have that kind of conversation.

The bottom line is, with this sort of person, their needs will always be a priority to them, yours will come second, and if have children their needs will also be secondary to the person with autism.

It’s not their fault but autism is classed as a disability and therefore planning a future and knowing how to make a person feel like sometimes they are a priority very rarely happens. The world exists pretty much exclusively for them and you must fit around their needs and life.

Particularly when the shit hits the fan is when you discover that they always come first. Like when you’re really ill and need assistance and they pretty much ignore you - and for instance - go away on that academic 3 month jaunt. They just up and go, without a backward glance. You need taking to A&E but that’s on you to sort yourself out.

You simply won’t be a priority.

And when your kids need help, like really need help, again, they will be obsessing about something at work that’s so important it can’t be left for even a moment, or find some way to be unavailable.

Whilst absolutely amazing, stimulating, incredible conversation partners and very kind and thoughtful on occasion at the start when it’s just the two of you, early on, but it won’t last.

Again another gripe of ours. The love bombing period finishes after about 6 months and you quite literally become an afterthought.

Proceed at your peril. A ton of us have autoimmune diseases probably brought on by physical and mental burnout and always feeling like we’re not very important. Like we’re an afterthought. Which we are, in the end. An important afterthought that does absolutely everything but still an afterthought. You will live in a relationship that never meets you half way, never meets your needs and you will feel so very very lonely.

thats the biggest sadness for all of us. The constant feeling of being alone.

This is such nonsense. Its not at all comparable to emergency services. He has a permanent job. If he wanted to settle down and have a family they absolutely could.

OP the ball is in your court. He said he wants to go and you probably right about this being a bit of a hobby/passion/a need that his work also allows.

Kids aside, right now, would that suit you? Would you like to go with him? As I see it, you have only been together for a relatively short time, never lived together and you are quite young still. You are not itching to have kids immediately so you have options and the choice is yours.

Not sure what signals you get from him of strong bond and how much you think he wants you, but as others said look carefully for these as the writing may be on the wall.

I think this is potentially difficult but I would agree that the sort of things he is talking about - visits to collaborators, fellowships abroad - is really normal for an academic. It is so competitive - and if he has a permanent position aged 31, he is doing very well, but is very likely to have to move again (to where the job is, not necessarily where he wants to be). I think you need to talk to him about what the future would look like for both of you.

OP my husbands autistic, has a senior role earning over 100k and is still highly ambitious. One of the reasons I love him is we have an equal partnership. He values me and my ambitions as much as his own and he is a very hands on dad. He did all the night feeds when we had our daughter as I’m a cranky mess when I’m tired, he pulls his weight with the house work and ensures he spreads his annual leave to cover school holidays.

My husband’s like this as he dad has always been self absorbed and wasn’t interested in his needs or the needs of his partners.

It doesn’t sound like your OH will ever be the partner you need.

I'm dating an academic who is autistic and it's going very well for the following reasons:

• We are both nearly 50 so he has done most of the career climbing that requires moving around
• I have my own kids and house that he occasionally visits but isn't involved with
• I am at a stage where I have no interest in merging my life with his and have no demands to make on him.

We get on brilliantly - he is clever, very funny, very attentive. But he is also single-minded, very very messy, and at times not at all in tune with either his or my emotions. If I had met him twenty years ago would I have chosen to settle down with him and have kids? Not a chance. I wouldn't move in with him now either, quite frankly.

I'd say as well as ambitions it's also down to how much of an emotional network you have solo, whether from family or work or community.

If you're super close to your super loving parents, you mainly socialise with your 3 siblings (who all live down the road) and you're happy in that bubble, a partner who is a bit distant and detached is absolutely PERFECT for you.

I know someone who loves her life with a guy in a transient job (military) and really makes it work.

But her parents are wholesome affluent early retired types, her sister is her best friend, and she's been in the same sociable profession since graduating so also has a great support network there (husband goes abroad, parents go on holiday with her or Mum moves in and they all enjoy each other).

If you don't have that network, and are a bit more disconnected and vulnerable, then someone who is distant and ND is probably the worst possible choice.

I have an ex who was clearly very ND, brilliant guy, very accomplished, amazing dates, but just not capable meeting my basic emotional needs.

He was divorced and mentioned one of the reasons was his ex wife didn't want to move too far from her family/mother... I imagine the marriage was only sustainable because his ex needed to have someone else there for her when he wasn't!

Partly this is just the life of an academic he needs to go where the opportunities and funding is to further his career, its very difficult to put down roots until you are a bit older. I am friends with a couple who were together for years and they wanted to get married and have kids but after their PhD studies and post docs work took them in different directions they ended up splitting because they just couldn't pursue their careers in the same country let alone the same city! They were early and mid 30's also. I think this kind of thing is just a sad fact of life for many early career academics unless you are able to go with them.

Sorry if i misunderstood, I read that you could travel and had flexibility? What you’re saying here is that your career actually means you can’t? This changes the advice considerably - but I think it still comes to the same end result. Being together can’t work? The issue is, wouldn’t it be impossible to have that stable life with anyone who isn’t in the same career and able to follow you on tour? And how compatible is your career with having children independent of BF?

I had my kids at 36 and 39, 5 miscarriages in between. Both my kids, whilst artistically and academically gifted are ASD/ADHD. Significant issues during teens esp. Likelihood of ND/SEN needs rises significantly with the age of parents (studies suggest it’s paternal age that is very significant). Knowing what I know now, I would have left BF and sought someone else so I could start sooner - DH was reluctant to marry/have kids, got married after 10 years together and has been a great dad/husband, but I’d always urge getting a move on. If only to avoid the higher risk of miscarriage and the reduced fertility issue.

Whether you stay with BF or not, you need to decide whether having children or your career is your priority in the next 5 years and how that would mesh with him. And if you decide to stay with him, then you need to do so knowing you are both on the same page - ie travel after this 3-6m overseas placement being put on hold if you want children etc together and to maintain a career for you.

I think your relationship only has a future if you continue to be independent. I dont see him being someone that settles down and stays put and a great husband etc.
If you would be happy enough to keep things roughly as they are then that's fine, but dont expect him to turn down opportunities or not seek opportunities out, because hes clearly someone that pleases himself, and that is what attracted you. You cant have it both ways