To wonder what our life as a future couple will look like when he is so independent?

[FaithD]

Partner is an academic at an English uni and the position is permanent. I will also say he is on the spectrum and has an autism diagnosis which may explain the bluntness I'm about describe.

We've been together for nearly a year and we're early 30s. For the first 6 months we lived near each other, now we live 3 hours apart. I miss him but we meet frequently and so far it works. But I am starting to think - are we ever going to bridge the gap? What about kids?

Partner has just returned from the US visiting family (I couldn't go due to important work commitment) and casually said he wants to do a professorship there for 3-6 months if he can manage it. I said really, you'd leave for 6 months? He then said 'well, ok, hypothetically speaking only 3'!! He then said there are other places where he'd like to do this.

I said I sometimes wonder where I feature in his life and he said I could come (I can work remotely often) - to which I said it might be possible but I have my own life to live.

I have been under the impression we plan to be each other long term and I worry that even if we do have kids he expects me to be a single mother for all intents and purposes. Or that he doesn't consider me at all.

We have both lived in different countries and were attracted to each others independent streak. But it is causing tension for the future. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

Have you talked about kids? Do not have them with this man unless you are happy to be single mum. He is telling you how he sees the world. Believe him.

Well, you just have the "where do you see this going long term?" conversation, which you obviously haven't had yet. But I would brace yourself that he doesn't necessarily want a kids-and-combining-households future. Academia is pretty peripatetic, you go where the opportunity is if you want to get ahead.

@BunsenBurnerBaby we haven't had the kids conversation in a solid way.

We have so far both said we are open to having them. He has said he would be very happy having them (I think he leans more towards yes) but could also be happy with a child free life. Clearly a proper conversation needs to happen.

I would not be investing anymore of my time with this man, especially if you want children. He's telling you who he is and what he cares about, you really need to listen.

What @Aquamarine1029 said. Please don't get in any deeper and throw precious years away with someone who doesn't what you want.

@DreadPirateRobots yes I know what you're saying.

But his current position here in the UK is permanent (of course as long as redundancies etc don't happen). It's the fact he is actively seeking to go elsewhere for small bursts.

I also just want to say I'm not a 100% yes to having kids but I want the option to be on the table.

I don't want the future to be dictated by what he wants.

Have you posted before about him?

I agree with PP, he’s clearly not the ‘settling down’ type and isn’t really considering you as an important aspect of his life. If he was, he wouldn’t casually be suggesting going away for 6 months without really discussing it with you first.

Especially as he’s autistic, I think you really need to lay it out for him as to what you want your future to look like, and what the ‘plan’ is to get there.

I think as it's still relatively early but not early early, this is the time to have the conversatin. Is this a llonger=term relationship? And if so, what does that look like? For example, if he wants to do this 3-6 months thing, has he even thought about what that might look like in terms of the relationship? Does he agree that it should be a factor in the decision making?

DH went away for work for 4 months shortly before we moved in together. But that was part of the conversation - he gave up his houseshare, was earning quite good money, and the savings he made paid for the deposit on our new place together. I flew out to see him for a week, and in between we just talked by text/phone. It was fine. But it was a joint discussion and plan.

He was married before so he clearly has been the settling down type previously.

Hang on..you don’t have kids now and you (the person who said ‘I have my own life to live’) sounds pretty independent too. There’s a big between being in a relationship living 3hrs apart and being together/living together and having kids! Talk to him about where he sees the relationship going and how it would look with kids in the mix-you are just guessing otherwise!

Yes, he could stay put if he wants to. But it doesn't sound like he wants to.

I don't think he wants what you want.

That may not be true at all. There's a reason he's divorced.

@whoopdeedoo I know, I am very independent. I like the sound of the between you mention - any idea what that would look like?!

I have a full time job and I'm a comedian as well - am just about to start the festival circuit for a couple of months.

I worry he has this idea of him swanning off abroad while I stay at home with the kids and say goodbye to my own ambitions

I'm not sure this relationship has legs. Would you want to have children with someone who would be happy to not see them - or you - for weeks?

I think you aren't super compatible when it comes to what you want/need from a relationship, although you say you were attracted to each others independence I don't think your independence is the same as his, you do need more commitment from a relationship than he does.

It doesn't mean it's a deal breaker you have to communicate and see what happens and also give him space when you might not want to and he needs to give you more consideration even if that doesn't come naturally to him.

I am like your partner, happy to be off on my own for periods of time due to work/family etc but my wife finds this much harder, we have made it work and are happy.

I really do think youre rather jumping to conclusions. When DH mentioned this job opportunity I talked about earlier, I didn't think for one second, "wow, is this what will be married will be like while he swans off and I have the children". It just seemed like an interesting and exciting opportunity at a time we were both in a position with few responsibilities.

It may also be that cramming in now experiences that are not possible when you have kids is a way of preparing to be ready to settle down in the near future. I would certainly feel this way and got out of the way what I wanted to do such as study and work abroad before having kids

@ClickClickety a week here and there would be one thing. I don't expect him to stop doing the conferences he already does in various places.

And I can't comment on five-ten years time. I would expect a man with a young family to be around essentially.

Also I'm 32 now and he's 31. Soon I'll be 33. I suppose I feel like time is running out from a biological clock point of view

Meanwhile he's casually mentioning all the things he wants to go off and do

It sounds like neither of you are ready for a life together. In many ways, you’re good friends with benefits, rather than a couple, and you’re both leading single lives.

If the masters abroad was part if a bigger picture, to improve prospects , before returning home, fair enough, but it does sound like he’s a perpetual student, going from A to B. These people never settle.

Well, unless he’s widowed, he clearly isn’t the settling down type. If he’s divorced, do
you know why?

When does he want to do these things? In the next 18 months? Or in 10 years time? I'm also not sure I understand - surely as his girlfriend, it's appropriate for him to discuss this with you? And then you agree together if it's going to work or not.

And have you asked him if he wants to keep doign this sort of thing for the next 10 years or is this just a short term thing before you settle down?

@tuvamoodyson he tells me they grew apart (childhood sweethearts). They meet for lunch about one a year still.

But she filed for divorce, so who knows.

I don't know the answer to any of that @IdLikeToBeAFraser

But I plan to ask when I see him in a week. I told him I want to have a conversation about the future so he knows it's coming now!