To wonder what our life as a future couple will look like when he is so independent?

[FaithD]

Partner is an academic at an English uni and the position is permanent. I will also say he is on the spectrum and has an autism diagnosis which may explain the bluntness I'm about describe.

We've been together for nearly a year and we're early 30s. For the first 6 months we lived near each other, now we live 3 hours apart. I miss him but we meet frequently and so far it works. But I am starting to think - are we ever going to bridge the gap? What about kids?

Partner has just returned from the US visiting family (I couldn't go due to important work commitment) and casually said he wants to do a professorship there for 3-6 months if he can manage it. I said really, you'd leave for 6 months? He then said 'well, ok, hypothetically speaking only 3'!! He then said there are other places where he'd like to do this.

I said I sometimes wonder where I feature in his life and he said I could come (I can work remotely often) - to which I said it might be possible but I have my own life to live.

I have been under the impression we plan to be each other long term and I worry that even if we do have kids he expects me to be a single mother for all intents and purposes. Or that he doesn't consider me at all.

We have both lived in different countries and were attracted to each others independent streak. But it is causing tension for the future. Any advice on how to have this conversation?

Have you not talked to him at all about why your relationship is going ? You’ve been with him 3 years.

Its entirely possible he sees it as continuing in a casual manner indefinitely.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat no, I have to say that he is very present in person and generally while we are apart too.

He is very good at keeping in touch regardless of time difference etc

She actually does say she loves him, but that's irrelevant, honestly. Love alone is never enough to sustain a happy relationship.

I'd just like to point out that, in most cases where highly functioning people with ASD go on to parent, the commitment is absolute, to the point where the non ASD partner can be confused as to where that came from and why they can't have some of it. It can be very hard to swallow, and many ASD/non-ASD relationships break on this rock.

You’re only really at the beginning of this journey with him and you’re already - kindly - begging it.

Why would you saddle yourself with a lifetime of frustration and unhappiness?

Long term relationships, especially with children, are hard enough even when both partners are tickety boo. This sounds like a load of red flags and being giddy in love is making you blind to them.

You're 33, living 3hrs away from each other and he is very much living his life as a single man. He will not be able to compromise to the degree you desire.

You are not compatible for a long term relationship with children.

I imagine children are an abstract idea for him, he would likely be as happy if not even happier without having children he just doesn't know it yet.

Please listen to the advice here, you need to decide if you want children or not and make choices accordingly.

He will not change without lots of angst and unhappiness, find a man that wants what you want and knows what it will entail.

I agree, this man is only ever going to invest in himself, it will not be a partnership so please don't be his hand maiden.
Live your life for yourself

It’s not even a particularly well-paid career (and not secure either, in the current climate). If you’re going to sacrifice your own career to follow a man around, you’d want him to be earning more than an academic does.

Or they could actually put the cards on the table and discuss it first, as I'm pretty certain the thought hasn't even occurred to him yet?

So you’re attracted to his independence but when he talks about doing something independent it’s an issue

you’re about to do something that will take you away for a few months and that’s fine. He mentions something that will take him away for a few months and it’s an issue

sounds like you want him to stay at home while you swan off

For an academic, particularly an immigrant, early 30s is still very young and he needs to make the most of it including travel. Have the discussion about the future, but then chill out a bit. You've still got nearly a decade for settling and kids with him if you think he's the one

You are not a priority in this man's life and he isn't even considering a future with you.

What thought though? That he gives us his job to live with or much nearer her? It’s not just as simple as getting a job at a university in her town. Someone who has secured a permanent lectureship at 31 is not going to think ‘I’ll pack this in and become an accountant’.

Not in OP and not until 12th post… I just don’t get the feeling that this relationship is doing it for her - his going overseas for 3-6m seems to be an opportunity to backtrack rather than an opportunity to travel and see the world together and see where it takes them - and any children they might have. The complication of his (Ex)wife/divorce may also be an issue if Op feels it is a sign that he is not actually committed to her.

When my BF, now DH, was offered chances to work overseas I always supported him, offered to come if we could make it work. Waited in the UK for short term postings, visiting when I could as my job wasn’t flexible. DH is often offered overseas roles that he’s declined to avoid disrupting the kids’ education. They are now off to boarding/6th form and university next year, so when he mentions job offers overseas I totally support him exploring them as his career - and most importantly happiness - is pivotal to our relationship remaining healthy and balanced. If his dream job was overseas, we’d find a way to make it work. Because that’s what you do when you build a life with someone you love.

I’m not sure OP is in this space.

I think it could work, if he's prepared to share the load. If you have children, and he wants to take something abroad for 3 months, then okay provided that he absolutely pulls his weight when he's home. Takes on full responsibility to allow you to do your thing.

Otherwise, you'll end up like I did - 100% responsibility for the children. We were one unit, he was entirely separate. That doesn't work

Yes, obviously you have a conversation about what each partner wants. That is how you find out what each other wants. But this attitude:

I don't want the future to be dictated by what he wants

is a very strange one. Let's say he wants to work abroad and not have children. You can't compromise on that. If you stay with him, your future will be dictated by what he wants. If you don't, it won't.

Yes @Frostycottagegarden that would be vital for me. I will mention that as part of the chat, thank you.

He has previously said he would do half or more because academia gives him flexibility. That's a bit different from being off somewhere for 6 months though!

Be wary OP.

He will run down your biological clock and then move onto a young undergraduate when he’s done everything he wants and feels he is ready for children.

@CautiousLurker if I choose to follow him to another continent for a period of 6 months it will have an impact.

As a woman on the comedy in the UK/Europe I need to be part of the circuit here. Otherwise I can take a break or pause but that is what would be needed.

My reluctance is not a sign of not loving him or wanting to be with him. It's a sign of choosing myself.

Unless we can compromise it seems like I need to choose - be a trailing spouse or choose myself. I'd prefer a third option that works for both of us.

Here’s my experience of academics who become fathers.

They are very good at getting out of all kinds of things at work because they tell their colleagues that they are busy parenting and therefore can’t possibly deal with x administrative or y teaching duty.

What they are actually doing is taking the opportunity to focus on their research. Not parenting at all, just nurturing their own career at the expense of their colleagues and partner.

Yes, exactly this.

Also I know a PP said I have ten years to have children with him potentially but I don't want to wait that long.

My aunt started trying at 38 and she was infertile.

And "you can come with me" doesn't wash, because you had no say in where he'd go to or for how long.

There will be no mutually acceptable compromise, he will expect to do as he pleases and invest in himself as he chooses. You will have to like it or lump it.

If this man agrees to have children it will be because he thinks that will keep you occupied stressed and busy, and make it easier for him to spend all his time and effort investing in himself.