AIBU to have my (just) 16 Yr old DD on a tracking app?

[ChicaneOvenchips]

Posting here for traffic as teens board not very busy.

My DD, just turned 16, says out of all her friends, she's the only person who's parent has them on a tracking app (in our case life 360) and this is highly embarrassing and uncalled for because she's really sensible.

She is sensible, I'm not worried she'll do anything silly. But I like to know that I could find her if she was in danger or scared. We live on an estate not in a town, with a bus service that is unreliable and infrequent and requires her to walk around 10-15 mins home from the nearest bus stop, partly through an unlit lane.

So AIBU or is this quite normal for her age and our circumstances?

@Dweebie Yes, I personally think that it’s the parent’s decision for under-18’s, because they’re responsible for them.

This will cause division and resentment OP

Thank you dweebie. I have had friends who have been through hell with their teens - taught me not to judge parents who are doing their best to navigate this extremely difficult stage sensitively helping them gain independence and respecting them but also trying to keep them safe from themselves. For some of us it’s not easy.

I have the same app and our eldest is 16. He doesn't care. I usually just use it check he's on his way home.
Saves me phoning him or him texting to say he's on his way home etc.
He doesn't see it as a problem at all.

I have twin ds16 and the whole family has life360. One ds has battery saver on so is impossible to track apart from a vague idea of where he is (or was) when he put battery saver on! The other ds has rarely got more than 10% charge on his phone so he is tricky to track too. I tend only to look if they aren’t back on time or if we need them for something. However, they track me constantly! I frequently get calls asking ‘what are you buying in Morrisons?’ or ‘can you pick (insert friends name) up as you’re near their house?’ or ‘can you bring me some McDs home please?’. They find it hilarious that they track me more than I track them. It works for us and hopefully will continue once my dd joins in next year as she’s watched how we handle things and knows we won’t be sitting watching her every move 😉

Ps. They never get the McDs/subway/kfc as all are walking distance and they have legs but I do pick-ups for further away friends and generally their other requests are pretty reasonable 😊

I find the "it means he doesn't have to bother texting me he's on his way home" pretty problematic too. How do they learn how to be thoughtful and considerate if they never have to be? I want my kids to think "oh, mum might be wondering where I am- I'll send her a quick text" or "I must tell mum I'll be in/not in for dinner before she starts to cook" I want them to think about the impact their behaviour has on other people.

At 16 she can technically leave home, so it does need to be consensual.

Parenting well means a gradual move to autonomy, not treating teens as little kids up to the day they turn 18 - that doesn’t help them take care of themselves.

I understand the appeal, but I think it’s build on disproportionate fear, which does no one any good in the long run.

Agreed. I don't agree with tracking a 16 year old at all. Totally unnecessary

Assuming no learning difficulties etc, then absolutely unreasonable. Intrusive and unnecessary. I don't understand why anybody would ever think it's acceptable to track another person's whereabouts.

@Errors as I thought you have no RL experience.

come back and join the conversation when you do

At 16 it is their choice.

both of mine consent to location sharing as it makes their lives easier. They don’t have to phone and check in if they’re staying out late or going to a friends, as they know I can check location if I’m worried. Also for needing lifts they can just ask to be picked up and maps takes me to their location without having to figure out a meeting point.

if either decided it was no longer working for them that’s fine. I suspect my younger one at least will still have it for years as she benefits from family sharing and me being able to find her gadgets when she loses them 😂

i share my location with my mum. For her safety really as she’s in her 80’s and lives alone, but I am fine with her seeing where I am. She can check I’m not working before she phones at least!

My DS is almost 18 and I have him on life 360 I'm not tracking every move he makes watching him all the time . It's very useful he had too much to drink 1 time and wasn't sure where he was so I told him to stay exactly where he was and we were able to find him easily . For me that's the reason to have it so if anything happens I know where to find my kids .

Also, tracking apps don't tell you whether or not someone is "safe". They just tell you where their phone is - the person could be miles away. So pointless, as well as unacceptable.

Is that literally all you can come up with? Seriously?

I suppose it’s one way for you to dodge having to come up with a reasonable counter argument though. Like a slightly more mature version of “la la la I’m not listening”

If young people are told by parents that "we have to track you to make sure that you are safe", that basically says to them that 1) the world is unsafe and 2) we don't think you are capable of looking after yourself. And we wonder why so many young people have anxiety?! I see it with some of my friends - they think they are just being caring parents, but constantly asking "are you OK?" or "checking in" simply causes negative responses. The default should be "everything is fine". I do wonder whether this just some weird co-dependency because the parents can't bear to let go. But then, it's also weird when it's between spouses too, which is a whole different dynamic.

I'm not strict at all. I've noticed she's been in pubs on the seafront and never mentioned it. She hasn't come home smelling of alcohol so I don't feel I need to bring it up. She's openly shared with me how she's been offered cigarettes and vape mammy times and always declined (not a conversation I've brought up).

I have only got to page 3 of reading these responses, but feel like from the points raised I'd be happy to try a compromise of going forward that she switches the app on on journeys home and can not be on it the rest of the time. This will only work if she remembers though, and at I said up thread, her attention and memory to do things is impaired by adhd so will have to see how it goes.

I have both my daughters on the iPhone app , one is 34 the other 21 it's with their permission and by their request . They can also see me .
My youngest feels happier with me being able to find her as her sense of direction is dreadful and she's not very confident travelling alone and likes that we can find her if needed . My eldest daughter has occasional panic attacks and as she drives for a living she's happier knowing I can see where she is and can talk her through the anxiety by explaining where she is and she feels safe knowing someone knows where she is .
I would take either of them off if if they felt it was intrusive though .

YANBU I have my 11 year old niece on the same app my sister may not give a shit about where she is and what she’s doing but I do. I even have my parents and my husband on it.

@TeaAndTattoos Do her parents know and agree that you can have their child on your app? If not, you’re overstepping boundaries.

@BruFord of course she knows about it.

The irony is that the parents tracking weren’t tracked themselves and so were given freedom and trust. Something that they are depriving their own children of.

That wasn’t clear from your post.
I imagine that it’s unusual for parents to allow other adults to track their children, that’s why I asked.

Why do you think your sister doesn’t “give a shit”? That’s a dreadful thing to say.

I don’t track my children, never have and never will but I love them as much as a parent does that stalks their kids!

Many people do. I never have with ds's. Just don't like it. Don't like big brother Alexa monitoring me. I told Dh something private. Next minutes it was on my Facebook feed. I just don't like it.