AIBU to have my (just) 16 Yr old DD on a tracking app?

[ChicaneOvenchips]

Posting here for traffic as teens board not very busy.

My DD, just turned 16, says out of all her friends, she's the only person who's parent has them on a tracking app (in our case life 360) and this is highly embarrassing and uncalled for because she's really sensible.

She is sensible, I'm not worried she'll do anything silly. But I like to know that I could find her if she was in danger or scared. We live on an estate not in a town, with a bus service that is unreliable and infrequent and requires her to walk around 10-15 mins home from the nearest bus stop, partly through an unlit lane.

So AIBU or is this quite normal for her age and our circumstances?

His website:

https://www.anxiousgeneration.com/research

He mainly advocates for kids having what he calls ‘dumb phones’ (I.e. phones that can only dial out or text) for as long as you can get away with it, as well as banning social media for under 16s.

Alongside that, allowing kids a bit more freedom and independence.
Remember when our parents used to send us to the corner shop for a pint of milk when we were 8/9? That type of thing - except it’s very hard to do this in practice because nobody is used to seeing kids that age do this type of stuff. People get pissy and call the police to say they’ve seen an abandoned child wandering about (I’ve read stories online about this)

Its a real shame and I really hope the tide turns on it all!

Could they not just turn off the location if they don't want to be tracked? Or uninstall the app? I do that sometimes myself!

We just have Find My on all the family iPhones and tbh it's mainly used to check for lost phones but I will check where DD (17) is if she is out later than she said she'd be. I know she checks where I am at times too but neither of us is obsessed with it and monitoring all the time.

You do make a good point and I didn't think of this myself (i guess this just proves why it's good to have a debate and get other perspective) but for me as a parent, if tracking is used for legitimate reason, child can't be reached, won't answer and so on and you're worried about their safety and that's why you think tracking is important then I think a convo should be had where the child needs to see reason with what the parent is saying. what reason would you have to not want your parents to know your location (I'm talking about the average family not any child who has serious issues with their parents) the reason given is it's embarrassing but none of dd friends need to know. If it's a much older child then of course if that's their wish it needs to be respected but for me especially if I'm responsible for my child then I want to know I can see where they are in an emergency and that is above any reservation they may have that its embarrassing. 16 is still young to me and I would still feel major responsible for my child at 16 with regards to their whereabouts.

Well it was invaluable when Dd dropped her phone 🙄🙄 the day before she left on a school trip we were able to find it - had been retrieved by a kindly elderly yet clueless neighbour. Dont judge those of us with scatty sociable teens - walk a mile in our shoes!

Remember when our parents used to send us to the corner shop for a pint of milk when we were 8/9?

We also use to smoke indoors at restaurants and pubs... doesn't mean it was right...

Frankly think the anti trackers are now basically king Canute! That ship has sailed with gen z

I have it for my ds16 and it was actually him who mentioned as funny enough alot off his mates also have it. The only times I check it is if he hasn't answered or returned a text/phone call. He's not bothered about having it its not like it tells me exactly what he's doing.

For those saying they have to have trackers because of losing a phone, you can just log in the one time to find the phone if it’s lost.
If your teenager has a laptop or tablet they can link their phone to that and find it that way.

Are you still going to track them when they leave home and start work or go off to university/college? It’s a bit weird to me. As an adult I would hate someone tracking me because it implies they don’t trust me.

I hate all this tracking, it’s so invasive. You have to respect her right to privacy, and trust her. Surely she’ll just turn it off herself otherwise. I think all this tracking is making teens mental health worse, it sets up an expectation that life is dangerous and is excessively over protective.

You do wonder what the outcome of this will be - as I think some parents who think it is normal will want to carry on with adult children and as they go out into the world away from their parents social circle such tracking may not be "normal" at all.

The Op need to talk to her DD and find some compromise that's acceptable - limited access or end date or only used when she fails to answer phone.

Seriously?? There is absolutely no comparison. Smoking indoors around around people literally has zero benefits. Allowing your child to pop to the shop for you or do other things that allow them some age-appropriate independence is good for them and the risks of doing so are tiny. Hardly comparably to the risks of passive smoking!

God no don’t bother to track dd1 who is 18 and sensible. 15 year old however…

The ‘find my iPhone’ feature (or android equivalent) is a totally different feature to tracking your family.

If you lose your phone, you can use your own login details on a laptop/other device to locate it. You do not need to low-jack your family to do this

it sets up an expectation that life is dangerous and is excessively over protective.

And can create a false sense of security. Like the pp whose son was lost in the Peak District. What if he'd been somewhere with no signal? Much better if he had the skills and equipment to get himself out of difficulty.

This is the tip of the ice berg though with our phones and cameras we are all tracked all the time.

I am not anxious strict or neurotic or particularly tech savvy - just find the find my phone function helpful with my 15 year old whizzing around the place. Especially when she doesn’t answer the phone to me in can see at a glance she’s at a friends house and get in with my day

🛎️ 🛎️ 🛎️ we have a winner! This is exactly what has happened. Look at the anxiety on display in this thread it’s no wonder the young adults have a fear of independence.

@Errors

you’re demonstrating again that you’ve read my posts incorrectly and jumped to illogical statements - I.e. putting words in my mouth and then arguing against what you think I said rather than what I actually said

speak for yourself

I don’t class a young adult that has to rely on their parents to solve every problem for them, nor agrees to be tracked 24/7 ‘in case something bad happens’ as a particularly resilient one if I am honest

I’m going to guess that you have young - probably junior school aged children who don’t have smart phones - and your opinion is driven by your feelings about you being tracked. Come back to me when you have real life experience because this is idealistic nonsense. Most parents want to help their DC and collaborate with them to solve issues, being available does not detract from that.

having grown up in a household where my parents had no interest in what I was doing or where I was I can guarantee that it doesn’t create resilience it creates MH issues that most people thankfully cannot contemplate

Are you still going to track them when they leave home and start work or go off to university/college? It’s a bit weird to me. As an adult I would hate someone tracking me because it implies they don’t trust me.

@Linearforeignbody This is why DD (19) and her friends had this conversation with their parents at 18, because of course most of them don’t want to be tracked at uni!

The concern I have about tracking young adults is that as they have relationships, will they automatically think it’s fine for their latest partner to track them? One of DD’s friends (20) has a controlling bf (in my DD’s opinion) and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tracks her.

I agree with another poster that this is another potential tool for control and another illustration of tech taking over every aspect of our lives.

A controlling partner- 'why are you at X location'? That feeling that your phone is so indispensable. Depressing.

I have dp, dd20 and dd16 on find my iPhone. They're all happy with it, to be honest my DD's track me far more than I track them 😂

I wouldn't want my mother to know where I am all the time but I'm happy with DH and DC to see where I am or how far I am from home. Which is what we have used it for, so far.
When DC first started staying home alone, a few months ago I would get calls where I was and how long it would be until I was home then sometimes another one 5min later. They are much happier being able to just see us on the map if and when they want a bit reassurance.
It's also stopped me from wanting to strangle DH on occasion. 😂usually when I'm starving and want to eat and he isn't home yet. Now, I have a quick look how far out he/everyone is then decide whether I wait or not. Of course, it's not needed. But we've only used it for a few month and DH, DC and I would rate it positively so far.

I am speaking for you, you literally played back my point incorrectly.

My opinion is driven by the information I have read and accessed like that of Jonathan Haidt - who is an actual social psychologist. But now you mentioned it, no, I would not like to be tracked and I will not be tracking my child when they reach this age.

I too grew up in a household where my parents had no interest in what I was doing or where I was. I moved out very young, and not to head to university either. I consider myself to be a very resilient person precisely because of this and not inspite of it. I do and fully plan on showing much more of an interest in my child’s life than my parents did in mine, but I will not be stifling his upbringing by insisting on knowing where he is or what he is doing every moment of the day when he gets to that age. There is a happy medium to achieve here. And big space in between ‘doesn’t give a shit’ and ‘molly-coddles’

@honeybeetheoneandonly If you and your DH are happy with it, great, I can’t see an issue with it. But it does worry me if young adults think it’s the norm for a partner to track them, because not every relationship will work out or be healthy.

DD’s friend was at our house recently when her bf called asking why she was still here, that she should have left by now, etc. He was shouting and DD was alarmed at how her friend was trying pacify him. It’s definitely a useful tool for controlling people. 🙁

Or what if his battery died? Or he dropped his phone in a river or broke it? Or, god forbid, someone kidnaps a kid and is fully aware they are probably being tracked by their phone so discards it… or worse, puts it somewhere where the child is not. It’s only a feature to know where someone’s phone is at all times, not the actual owner of said phone.

Not only can kids/adolescents not entertain themselves without smart phones now, but they are a false sense of safety to them and to their parents!
They don’t need to be aware of their surroundings now or keep their wits about them or assess potential risky situations because ‘phone’

Totally agree with the potential misuse by controlling partners and this does give me pause for thought, although don’t forget you have to give permission for your phone to be tracked and you can remove permission at any point.

I agree with a PP that some posters should climb down off their mountains of sanctimony until the first time their own teen goes AWOL all night.