AIBU to have my (just) 16 Yr old DD on a tracking app?

[ChicaneOvenchips]

Posting here for traffic as teens board not very busy.

My DD, just turned 16, says out of all her friends, she's the only person who's parent has them on a tracking app (in our case life 360) and this is highly embarrassing and uncalled for because she's really sensible.

She is sensible, I'm not worried she'll do anything silly. But I like to know that I could find her if she was in danger or scared. We live on an estate not in a town, with a bus service that is unreliable and infrequent and requires her to walk around 10-15 mins home from the nearest bus stop, partly through an unlit lane.

So AIBU or is this quite normal for her age and our circumstances?

My older teen lives away from home, leaves her phone on do not disturb for hours at a time and responds to messages in a very random manner, sometimes not for a day or more. Often says she will call or message and then forgets. To be honest if I couldn’t track her I would be very anxious. We track each other and she’s fine with it.

It wouldn’t have and that is not my point and you know it.

Your post was exceptionally unclear because that’s exactly how I read it. If that was not your intention I accept it, but don’t impute disingenuity on my part because you can’t be clear 🤷‍♀️

I don’t believe that most people wander around being tracked because they believe bad things are going to happen to them. They recognise it’s a tool of convenience and many people have lived experience of having better outcomes due to the ability to track.

no one is forcing anyone to be tracked, if it’s not for you and your family that’s fine don’t use it, but the implication that those that do use it, especially to parents of young adults who are already operating out in the world as functional, capable, resilient human beings, are setting their DC up for a lifetime of MH problems is offensive.

I'm not keen on tracking my teens 'just in case'; I prefer them to actively make contact and to problem solve if things go pear-shaped. Both of them will occasionally share their location with me but it tends to be for a specific reason and for a time-limited period. The 19-yr-old shares their location with a few close friends so if I desperately needed to know their whereabouts, I would ask a friend.

Have we had the "tracking is essential so I can get the kettle on/dinner on the table" justifications yet?

And the DHs who hold down big important jobs but can’t seem to remember to send a quick text to let their DW know to put on the dinner, even though it seems to be very important that dinner is ready for them as soon as they walk in the door..,

@CurlewKate yes we have! 🙄 I would love to have my every move tracked (or my phones every move tracked) to avoid having to wait 3 minutes for my evening cuppa! Wouldn't you!?

You are raising her to be unnecessarily anxious about the world

I, as a 57 y o woman, would hate to be tracked by my partner or children. I don't have a huge mysterious life but I would like to be able to have those moments where I park outside M&S and eat some chocolate and read in the carpark without disturbance...

I ride and was a single parent for years. I always wanted to leave my phone behind because it was the one bit of peace I got, and then I'd think 'what if there is an emergency at school?' and take the phone. However I survived with my parents not being on call at every moment of the day. Tracking to me is a step too far

You know they are all on snap maps so they can see the location of every other teen they know ?!

It's not normal in my social circle to track any kith or kin - however specific situations I know DSis tracks DN back from late shift 17 year old girl walk though housing estate - with her permission - DSis is single parent with much younger child so can't pick up.

Not sure DN would be allowed to do late shifts without that reassurance - so it's adding to independence.

My teens I ask them to let us know where they are and explain why we like to know - place to start if they do get into trouble but routine tracking I think undermines trust and independence.

Nor I I think posters anxiety should be justifying tracking uni students living away from home. DD1 18 been away this last year at uni - and she not great at keeping in touch but that is not a reason to essentially stalk her - that screams parental boundary issue to me.

Nor I I think posters anxiety should be justifying tracking uni students living away from home. DD1 18 been away this last year at uni - and she not great at keeping in touch but that is not a reason to essentially stalk her - that screams parental boundary issue to me

I completely agree with this. I read that post and thought ‘yikes’

i only had a brief period of any kind of tracking apps for my DD who is about to turn 20. It was more when she was 13/14 or so and just starting to be independent.

If your DD is not happy then you need to respect that and turn it off. In a couple of years time she’ll be off to uni and believe me you’ll be bloody grateful you can’t see what she’s up up when she’s potentially hundreds of miles away!

Yes because it has been normalised for this generation and their parents have already been tracking them for years. They believe it’s mandatory for everyone, not only to be contactable at all times, but to be tracked at all times.

People saying “my 18 lets me do it with her permission” is not a justification. If you’ve brought them up to think the world is a terrible place and scary things are going to happen and you’ve already been tracking them since they were ten, and all their friends are the same, then of course they will ‘consent’ to it!

Always used Find my Friends for both dc, now late teens. Both always been fine with it. I don’t really care what other people do or think about it. Very useful and gives me peace of mind, I don't need to text them so often. Found my dc’s exact location on a packed beach last week using the app (they were surfing so not able to answer phones). I think it’s brilliant technology.

Then you read it wrong. In fact, you’re demonstrating again that you’ve read my posts incorrectly and jumped to illogical statements - I.e. putting words in my mouth and then arguing against what you think I said rather than what I actually said.

I also did not say that all parents that track their kids are definitely setting them up for a lifetime of MH problems (although, quite frankly, I don’t care if you find what I said offensive) I said there is a direct correlation between the rise in MH issues and smart phones/social media but that the issue is complex and the reasons are numerous. Look up Jonathan Haidt’s work and you will see what I mean. It’s too complex for me to post here.

I don’t class a young adult that has to rely on their parents to solve every problem for them, nor agrees to be tracked 24/7 ‘in case something bad happens’ as a particularly resilient one if I am honest.

DD is 16 and we only use Find My on iphone. I only ever look at it sometimes to check that she got on the bus, or see how far away it is to see what time she will be home. She can do the same with me.

She doesn't mind as she thinks its sensible that it is there for both of us if we need it.

@PurpleDiva22 @CurlewKate we’ve also had the ‘I don’t need to text them as often’ as a justification!
I mean, you could just not do either!
’I track my teen so I don’t have to send them hourly messages asking where they are’ is a worrying justification IMO

Sounds like your older teen has a healthy relationship with her smart phone and you don’t

I can track my 17 DS. We have findmyiphone and can see each other on that. He isn’t the greatest at communicating so I often have a look to see if he is on the way home, waiting for a bus, still in McDs etc.

Why do you need to know?

‘I don’t class a young adult that has to rely on their parents to solve every problem for them, nor agrees to be tracked 24/7 ‘in case something bad happens’ as a particularly resilient one if I am honest.’

Absolute nonsense, you're just completely mistaken there.

Absolutely it’s the norm for them. We’re all continually tracked anyway whether we like it or not these days. CCTV, Ring doorbells, dash cams. Big brother is watching us 😂 …….privacy has ceased to exist.

practice letting our (appropriately aged) kids be away from us without knowing where they are, or having an easy way to contact them. He writes about his experience allowing his 13-year-old son to go to a nighttime U.S. Open game, traveling both ways alone on the subway. But on the way home, his son found out that a train he needed wasn’t running. The boy left the station to hail a cab, and got home fine—at 1 a.m.!
“From that day on,” Haidt writes, “he was a different person, with more confidence, and from that day on we treated him differently and gave him still more independence.” This, Haidt thought, was only possible because they had started off small, by letting him walk to school years before, and started “to trust him without tracking his blue dot at every moment.”

I told some colleagues with older kids about this story, and they quailed in shock. Tracking their kids’ iPhones, they said, was a source of solace to them. In Haidt’s view, the whole experience was proof that his kid can overcome challenges on his own, even get dis-routed and remain safe.

The above is from here:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/03/jonathan-haidt-smartphones-social-media-teens-mental-health.html#

Yes, it’s an opinion piece but I think it’s extremely relevant here

Yeah? How so?

Yes you’re right. But I was sympathising with the OP. It is such a rapid transition for teens from being mainly at home where you know where they are to being god knows where at all hours. Mine likes to party. She’s miles from home this summer having the time of her life and good for her. But if tracking her phone means I can sleep a bit better at night then I am going to use it. She knows and she understands.

Not normal in our house or with any friends of our children to have tracking.
Ours knew they could call or message anytime if they got into difficulty but tracking? Nope.