To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

My baby caught a cold from so and so and is now thriving, means nothing.
It's just a cold, means nothing.
You are being ott, means nothing.

In OP's situation, mil has the herpes virus. It is highly contagious. Eruptions are often precipitated by a cold.
The virus is spread by sharing utensils, towels, skin-to-skin contact. The virus can be transmitted to all skin, not just mouth or genitals. You don't need to be exhibiting symptoms to spread the virus.

Babies are particularly susceptible to complications from the virus due to an underdeveloped immune system. The virus can be fatal to babies as it can cause meningitis or encephalitis.
The virus can be transmitted to the eyes and anyone with a weakened skin barrier, ie eczema.

Because it is so common, estimates are that up to 90pc of the world population has one form of it. And because it is so common we tend to minimize it.

OP should not allow contact between baby and anyone who is ill for the simple fact that babies deserve every chance to thrive at their most vulnerable stage without risk. Airways are much narrower so congestion makes it more difficult to breath risking decreasing oxygen saturation leading to hospitalization; illness impacts ability to feed which leads to hospitalization.

Both of my dc have been hospitalized in nicu as newborns, one at 7 days and the other at 3 1/2 weeks. It's no walk in the park. I'll never forget my fbdc screaming during the lumbar puncture ("spinal tap") or that my 2dc was too weak to cry. So, FFS people, stop telling mums they are being too precious with their babies. Any "cold" can become serious for a baby. Why risk it?

I understand it will be a difficult converasation. But i would would just be honest while trying to keep it casual - just say something like ‘ sorry, i can hear you are not feeling your best today, we are a bit worried about the baby catching the flu, would you mind if we wait a few weeks until you feel better?’

hopefully she will understand :)

Can't believe some people think OP is being precious. There is absolutely no way I'd let anyone ill with a contagious ANYTHING hold my newborn. I know a baby who contracted RSV at 5 weeks old and almost died. 100% no. My own son had a terrible respiratory virus at 6 weeks and was extremely ill, we all got that. Don't feel bad OP you're not overreacting at all.

"A cold" sent my son to hospital and has given him life long breathing issues

Really shocked at some of these comments, I would never hold a baby that young if I had a cold.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/respiratory-syncytial-virus-rsv/#:~:text=RSV%20is%20very%20common.,babies%20under%206%20months%20old

for the “just a cold” brigade can I suggest you read the above about RSV.

im pleased to see that the vaccine against RSV is going to be rolled out - that will save lives and prevent life long issues for others.

My 2 week old caught a cold off her big sister, obviously hadn't stopped her from kissing and cuddling her new sibling. But god was it shit. Then caught another off her just as improving after a couple of weeks.

You can't do anything except saline nasal spray at that age, vapour rubs etc are from 3 months. He couldn't feed without the nasal spray but he hated it and contributed to a feeding aversion.

So yeah I would say not happy with someone with a cold holding a newborn.

Given that colds in babies that age can progress to bronchitis, which is the commonest cause of admission to hospital in the age group, taking basic precautions seems prudent.

Don't kiss the baby and it's fine to ask people to wash their hands before holding. But I'd let her hold it, she'll be desperate to and I doubt she'll spread her cold if she doesn't sneeze all over it....

The bad "cold" to me was the rsv. My toddler was wheezing and had temp of 40c. A mad dash to emergency at 5am (when I was 3 weeks pp from a c-section) and diagnosis was croup caused by rsv. Rescue steroid given.
A few days later it was baby's turn. That was three separate emergency visits with admittance to nicu for four days third time I took baby in.

Thanks for posting and reminding about rsv. 👏

You'll be sorry when your dc doesn't have any immunity when she needs to attend nursery and/or other child care settings and spends weeks off being ill. You're being very precious, things like this didn't even cross my mind when I had my dc and they are all healthy teens and pre teens now. Relax and let her hold your dc.

So many unhelpful comments here. Colds and coldsores (yes, two separate things) should be avoided where possible around newborns. It's quite worrying that so many think the OP is being "precious". Seven weeks is still very young, and I wouldn't want any sickness around my baby either. Glad it was avoided, OP!

I'd fake a migraine and ask to go home.

Sorry, but that is a gross generalization and misconception.

Small babies do not need to develop immunity by getting respiratory infections. As a general rule of thumb the older they are when they get their first respiratory infection the better.

The question is not framed around how parents manage with their babies when they are ill. Managing illness within your own household is just what needs to be done.

I don't want to visit people if they are ill. I don't want them to visit me.

If I was very unwell or had something contagious my partner would have down the lion's share of looking after the DC. I would have done the same.

When DC1 was very small, ILs were really keen to visit. Everyone was getting over norovirus. I asked them not to come, not least because we were all shattered after a rubbish week. They came. Despite the house being thoroughly cleaned, they caught it and were quite ill. Since then, we have had chats. Were were super careful during lockdown.

I mean it seems like you were looking for reasons to not let her hold the baby before you even arrived so I'd guess this is about more than a cold.

Sorry, I totally misread your post.

The cold is harder to mitigate since you are sharing an environment with infected person DD may already have been exposed or will be from you if you get it!

Cold sores are different since its easier to avoid (no kisses), dangerous for babies and will leave her permanently suffering flare-ups. I think its reasonable to ask her not to kiss the new baby while she's got cold sores.

Jesus Christ 🙄 She's met the baby twice and held her on both occasions previously. I have no issue with my MIL other than she can be a bit easily offended, and I'd rather avoid offending her if possible.

I mentioned the possibility of a cold sore to my husband en route there as I wanted him to be the one to have the difficult conversation for once, if a difficult conversation was necessary.

@FreightTrain sorry people are being rubbish to you. I would have considered leaving. People don’t understand that a cold in a newborn until 8 weeks often means hospital and invasive tests like a lumbar puncture.
i al also going to be turning people away at the door if they are in any way unwell. Luckily the local midwife department have a payer about not kissing babies that aren’t mum/dad.

All the people saying babies have some kind of magical force field from mum. Nope. Mum can still get a cold and so can baby but baby gets viral meningitis so nope.

Appreciate those of you who are saying I'm not being precious, thank you. It's so hard not to reply to all the nasty comments and assumptions! They don't deserve the limelight the sensible, compassionate posters do!

I think that is very normal to not want anyone with a cold to hold the baby, especially when they’re so tiny! Anyone with any sense wouldn’t want to hold a newborn baby when they’re sick either. Definitely have your phrases ready to say “sorry do you mind not holding her this time as I’m worried about her catching something”. People are so selfish when it comes to new babies and don’t realise how it makes mum feel :( horrible feeling awkward to tell someone you don’t want to hold them for a very valid reason. Sorry you’re in this situation. Hope your partner is helpful

My 10 day old baby ended up in hospital with bronchitis after she caught a cold from her sister. Unavoidable in those circumstances but it’s definitely not true they can’t get unwell for about 6 months.
OP if she’s visibly unwell I’d err on the side of caution - sometimes these things happen and babies catch things and you can’t help it, but if there’s something you can do to lessen the risk by avoiding close contact with someone who’s visibly unwell then you should I think. It’s no fun for the baby (or you!) - feel free to get your MIL to message me asking about the joys of bronchitis in a newborn if she needs the message putting across 😅

It's mumsnet....what 'limelight' are you talking about? It's not that much of a thread