FFS why don't you drive ??

[nextdoorconundrum]

So annoying to read threads on here that start with .. I don't drive .. my dp/DH does ..

Why why this is even a thing ? Does benefit of penis somehow render them more able to? Does their testosterone somehow benefit their abilities.. or is it simply something men regard as an essential in life ?

Before you all pile on .. yes there are certain disabilities that count you out . Severely visually impaired.. uncontrolled epilepsy.. but when one of my best mates who has spina bifida managed it with a hand controlled car via motability.. I think perhaps it's just not trying hard enough and happy for the man to do the driving .. even my autistic step son (severe - (special school until 21) got his license..

There is only one reason I can think not to bother - and that is because you are city dwellers with excellent public transportation .. but the rest of you .. why ? It just seems so 'weedy' .

You say you’re ‘not angry in the slightest’ despite earlier saying ‘I’m angry because…’ and explaining why. Cant you see that’s a bit of a contradiction? You do sound very cross!

The premise of this stupid thread is that any male and female living together in a household with a car have made a conscious/active decision that the male will be the driver. Whereas more likely than not, you will have a couple who have entered a relationship at a point where one of them has already learned to drive and owns a car, for business, pleasure or both, and they are just carrying on doing what they did prior to the relationship. Living in a household with a car doesn’t mean the non driving party can or wants to learn for financial, health or practical reasons. If the driver is pissed off about doing the driving, they can always refuse to and leave the relationship if it winds them up as much as it does the OP - it’s not as if they didn’t know they were getting together with a non driver from the outset, so they’ve only themselves to blame.

Not sure why you are getting so upset about something which doesn't affect you at all.
I don't drive, my DH does. I have anxiety and panic attacks. Driving brings on bad panic attacks for me and I am terrified of causing an accident. I have not really discussed my reasons with many people but obviously I have with DH and he is kind and understanding. I am sure others who don't drive have their reasons too.
I do not rely on anybody for lifts, we live somewhere where most things are walkable and there is public transport. I get the big food shop delivered. The fact that I walk everyone and the kids walk everywhere is good for our health and for the environment. I would not choose to live somewhere very rural where you need a car to get everywhere.

I'm guilty, OP!

I met DP when I was 21 and a student. He was 24, worked and had a car of his own. I was working to pay for university so couldn't afford to learn.

We moved in together a while later, money is still tight and I have other priorities. I would like to learn but I can't afford lessons, can't spare the time for them either (two jobs, 3 kids) and then there's insurance. There are loads of things I would do if I could afford it, including learn to drive, but we can't all have everything we want and I certainly contribute my share to the household in other ways.

This is such a vague snapshot of relationship dynamics, though, honestly. For me to learn now when DP and I are doing fine as we are would be a selfish thing to do, which would give all of our quality of life a hit. All that just so we can rejig our relationship roles to a different sort of 50-50?

I learnt to drive but prefer to be driven. I'm quite happy being a passenger where I can look at what everyone is wearing, at pretty front gardens, and the shop windows, etc.

The OP will be enraged and probably start frothing at the mouth when they learn that I'm often given lifts by a neighbour a few doors down... who is a man! He is a sweet soul who used to drive his elderly mother around before she died, and even though I am his age, is always asking that if I need to be driven somewhere like B&Q to buy paint or if I want to do a large shop that he'll take me. I just think he likes driving. Once we went to the Kent coast and I bought him lunch in a nice restaurant. We had a lovely drive.

At this stage, having my own car would be a waste of money. I think more people should car share. It's probably more environmentally friendly too.

And to all the people making assumptions about relying on car drivers - I’ve not had a lift from anyone since over a year ago when I was on holiday visiting friends abroad.

I live in a medium sized town but it’s 5 mins walk from the train station which has regular trains to take you to the nearest city, and everything else in my town I may need to go to such as GPs, supermarket, library is walking distance too. I occasionally get a taxi if it’s super late and I’m carrying lots of stuff from the station.

Don’t assume every non-driver relies on friends or family to drive them around. You’re conflating two issues there.

Maybe they just don’t want to

what’s wrong with that

Have been a city dweller since I was 18 with public transport quite literally on the doorstep. I live and work in a city centre so I don't often even need the public transport. I know though... it's just it's a hole in a thousand euro for the lessons and tests and so on. Maybe next year.

WTAF has it got to do with you if someone else can drive or not.

This is nonsense. Calm down.
I don’t drive because my pervert driving instructor scared me off the rest of my lessons when I was younger, and life has been too busy and expensive ever since. I would if I had the resource, I’m sure many would.

Ok, in our household, I am the driver, not my DH. Though he pays to run the car. How does that figure in your logic?!

I don’t drive because I’m disabled.
I can’t drive.
It doesn’t matter where I live.
London, Manhattan, Manchester, Los Angeles, pick a spot - location is irreverent.
Happy, dear?

The question still doesn't make sense.
Either he is at home, and can drive them, or he is at work, so the car is taken and she wouldn't be able to use it anyway.

You can ask on the next thread like that whether the car is free or not.

I'm one of those people you refer to op. We have a car, I don't drive. The reasons are cost and trauma.

Dh learnt to drive when he was a teen, paid for by his parents. My parents didn't do this for me. Dh and I got a car when we had kids. At this point, I'm in my 30s. We have no spare money for lessons, and no spare time for dh to teach me - who would be looking after the kids while he teaches me? Plus the car insurance would become way more expensive.

Is that good enough reasons for you?

Plus add to that unsafe driving by my parents being a big feature in my abusive and chaotic childhood.

Hth.

FFS OP everyone has different circumstances and they’re just not for you to know, nor do people care what you think. Go wind yourself up over something a bit more important

Oh gosh I just remembered - two of my friends were sexually assaulted by their driving instructor too.

Horrifying. So sorry you experienced that .

OP you worded it harshly but I do agree with what you're trying to say.

There's a lot of women I hear say they're not confident/they're anxious etc etc. What isn't said is it's completely normal to feel apprehensive and not confident in a new skill. I also went through that stage when I first passed my test. I dreaded having to get into the car. But over time and with driving regularly I could jump in a car and go wherever I need to.

It feels like a lot of women give up when they feel apprehensive about it all. But the turning point is carrying on with it until you're not apprehensive anymore.

I think driving is an important life skill and I'll be prioritising my kids getting their licences when the time comes.

Parents that don’t insist on driving as a life skill are irresponsible-if you can drive (eg no disability etc), you should learn.

It’s really lazy not to. Just like those that don’t learn to swim or cook either.

You might choose not to drive or swim frequently but you should be able to do it. I do a huge inward eye roll if I meet a non-driver (without any impediment). Not the sort of person I’d want to be friends with. It’s feeble I agree @nextdoorconundrum.

I know this is directed at women WITH A CAR IN THE HOUSEHOLD but as a woman without a car in the household, I really wish I could drive. I didn’t learn when I was younger because my first job was in a city where everyone cycled or walked, and I lived near enough that I would walk to work.

Cut to many years later, and for one reason or another I never got round to learning. Now, I’d really love to drive. But first I have to sort out getting photo ID to get my provisional, which, if you are of a certain age and haven’t got any valid photo ID it’s incredibly difficult to get photo ID!

And so the circle turns.

Yep, that's exactly the scenario for us, DH 'learned' at 17 (could already drive due to summers spent playing with tractors on the family farm in Ireland!) and only needed a handful of lessons before his instructor was happy to put him in for his test so not too expensive. I did have lessons in my early 20's (before I met DH) but it was taking forever and tbh I hated every second of it so gave up/ran out of money, nothing to do with any sort of decision that DH would be the family driver because he happens to be a man.

Honestly what a ridiculous post. Learning to drive is very expensive. It's nothing like learning to swim or cook. Read my post above and others who give our reasons for not learning.

Interesting post and I have only two examples of couples I know like this. Both quite strange reasons actually. The first she learnt to drive but then gave up for years because it means her DH will drink more when they socialise and expect her to drive them home all the time. The second refuses to drive because that way they go shopping together at the weekend because it's the only time they spend together. She said otherwise he would just let her go alone if she could drive. I think though in these two cases it is more a symbol of issues within the relationship than fear of driving itself.

I can't drive because if a medical issues
But driving isn't great when it's costly. I travek the world and most people woth cars can barely afford a holiday. What you spend on your car each year saves ne enough to afford a great life

Agree.

Also how can parents insist on driving?

Do they not realise a lot of parents can’t afford to bankroll their children to take lessons, especially if their kids aren’t fast learners in driving and may need more than the standard 50 hours lessons or whatever? So how can they insist on something they can’t afford to fund?

And not everyone is capable of teaching their kids to drive themselves - they may not drive themselves as they never learnt or due to health reasons , or even if they do drive they may not have the temperament or confidence to teach their kids effectively.

Also children are only able to drive when their 17 in most cases, so after a year once their 18 and adults - their parents are in no real position to “insist” on anything. In fact they can’t or shouldn’t insist their anxious /driving-averse 17 year old takes lessons either. If they don’t want to give lifts fine, but don’t force kids (or adults ) out on the road who don’t want to be there. Some people were a nervous wreck driving at 17 then tried again in later life with far more success.

Absolute nonsense to insist it’s lazy. How is walking everywhere including walking to train or bus stations lazier than driving short journeys??

As for someone like that not wanting to be friends with a non-driver, phew that’s a relief 😅

I did read it. You were failed by your parents who didn’t make it happen. Lets hope you don’t fail yours.