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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 15:16

I AM a good friend but she can be really fragile, I don't want to upset her

I don't think you always tell the TRUTH to friends TBH, I have one good mate with a TERRIBLE husband (completely without a sense of humour) but I'm not going to tell her that's why we don't stay with them anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 15:18

And yes I see she WOULD be upset, and we couldn't REALLY sneak away without her knowing - it was more 'fantasy holiday' I think

It's a shame because it will mean we are likely to do NOTHING and it would have been a good 'adventure' for the girls

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 16/04/2008 15:20

I feel really sorry for your friend with the boy is all I can say. Oh, and I hope you all have boys next time around!

hatrick · 16/04/2008 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Oblomov · 16/04/2008 15:23

Beety, what literally. Or like got up in the middle of the night and left without saying anything.
LOL

Beetroot · 16/04/2008 15:26

well...not in the middle of the night

but we 'decided 'we fancied taking the kids to some cultural places (then we booked a fuck off expensive hotel for 3 nights and sat by the pool with kids playing and not fighting)

MrsMattie · 16/04/2008 15:26

No they aren't a [email protected] this sort of attitude pisses me off. I could never imagine being so uncharitable to one of my friends. Poor cow.

stuffitllama · 16/04/2008 15:29

brownmouse I think you should do it twice once with all of them for a night see how it goes

if it's chronic -- you'll probably be able to have a conversation with your mate about, ok, well looks like this is for the girls only and we can carry on doing lots of other stuff with the boys..

and then once with the girls only for three or four nights

there must be a way round this for you

booblue · 16/04/2008 15:31

How could you do that to your friend???
So shes got a boy BIG DEAL
How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot??
The girls might be easier now but what happens when they get to that hormone age and they turn in2 the angel from hell.And then your friend says no to you.

susiecutiebananas · 16/04/2008 15:33

BM, I feel really that this thread ended up being so unpleasant in places. I don't think you've deserved any of it. your OP may have been worded alightly tactlessly, but certainly not a reason to string you up for....

I was trying to say, in my long gabbling post, that you need to just be honest with your friend. She is your friend, and you clearly think alot of her. If you didn't you would not have been here, in the first place asking for advice, and would have just gone, without her, and without telling her. THat would be a shit friend!
Don't beat yourself up about being a crap friend and a bitch. I don't think you are. I just think perhaps a little naive, if you feel you can still be ok, should you still go away without her and her Ds. He is her Dear Son too.

Do you konw what, I expect she could really do with a little break away with friends, if he is that boistrous all the time. Imagine how difficult it must be for her all the time with him?
Surely, you don't have to shelve the idea completely? could you really not talk with her about it. Be honest, tell her your concerns? Perhaps she could really prepare him tell him how important it is for him to be good...

Take plenty for him to do. Occupy him. He's bored you know? I can tell you for sure, he's a bored 5 year old playing with girls... my nephew was terrible when around all our girl cousins at that age. He had 2 sisters, and aunty and a granny all the time, and he got bored. As soon as another boy was in the mix, he was fine.

Try and consider some of this, would be a shame for no-one to have a little holiday... gosh, this is so tough, I really feel for you.

LyraSilvertongue · 16/04/2008 15:35

Rather than not going at all, couldn't you try it and see how it goes? It might be better than you think. If it's a nightmare, you'll know not to do it again.

MascaraOHara · 16/04/2008 15:36

"I AM a good friend but she can be really fragile, I don't want to upset her
"

Sorry but if you go away without her and with the others then she really will be upset.. regardless of how you do it. Believe me. Why don't you all do something for a couple of nights.. surely you can bite your tongue for a couple of days?

LoopyJJ · 16/04/2008 15:36

You are being so unreasonable, put the shoe on the other foot- how would you feel knowing your friends didnt want you going on holiday because you have the wrong sex child. This is completly out of line. Your 'friend' is better off not going if you think that little of her!

MrsMattie · 16/04/2008 15:36

Sorry susiecutie, but when people ask for honest opinions on MN, that is what they get. I would be deeply hurt if I were the OP's friend, no matter how 'honest' she was with me. I would think 'Great. Some friend you are.' As I'm sure many, many other people here would. How can someone with children be so intolerant? What if her friend had a SN child? Would that be too much of a hassle, too? What does friendship actually mean to some people? Crikey...

Veraduckworthshandbag · 16/04/2008 15:37

How would you feel if it was you and your child being excluded because you have a girl?

Twinkie1 · 16/04/2008 15:37

I said I would never go on holiday again with a friend who had 2 DSs when I just had DD - now I feel bad as DS is that sort of child but you know what he is lovely boisterous or not he is the cheeky chappy who everyone loves and my heart bleeds for your friend - actually if I were her I would be offended that you called yourself her friend!

I wouldn;t sit around with two other friends discussing someone who was supposed to be our mutual friend that is for sure - poor woman she needs support and love not being ostracised!

susiecutiebananas · 16/04/2008 15:41

I really like the idea stiffitllama suggested!

Brilliant, do one night away somewhere, se how it goes. If its not as ad as you think, you could do it properly, if it is, then approach the subject again... not a bad idea ?

Jees, I wish people would stop being so bloody horrible, not constructive in anyway buy just berating the OP. Telling her she's a shit friend. How could any of you possibly know this? Just because she has posted with a dilemma and doesn't like her friends son, and out with out reason it would seem, does not make her a bad person, or a shit friend! She hasn't actually done any of it yet, if it had been done, then maybe you might have a reason for such vitriol, since that is not the case, I think a bit of understanding about her position would be a lot more helpful.

MrsMattie · 16/04/2008 15:43

I hope you aren't referring to my posts@susie - I see no vitriol there, just an honest opinion that I think many others would echo.

And read back what you just posted. The OP 'doesn't like her friend's son'. How old is this child we are talking about? Can you not see how utterly, utterly shameful that is?

Lizzylou · 16/04/2008 15:44

Saw this and read thread and, although my first instinct as a Mom to 2 boys was , have to say I see where you're coming from. I have a friend with a really boisterous boy who just causes havoc when he comes round and we don't see each other too much now, so I suppose it is the same thing.

As others have said, differing parenting styles , not the evil of boys .

However I have yet to meet anyone I'd spend our precious holiday time with, I just don't think DH and I are holidaying with another family types. I also don't think anyone would want to come with us.

tootiredtothink · 16/04/2008 15:45

I had my dd first and what a little angel she was - i truly couldn't see why all other children were not as perfect as her !! Obviously i blamed the parents .

Now i have my ds (3) who is wild and loud, constantly jumps on his sister (9) and has more energy than i know how to cope with!!! And i love it.

I certainly never excluded any of my friends because of their ds's (or dd's) and i would be devastated if anyone did it to me. Sadly you are teaching your girls just what it is like when a bunch of girls get together - bitchy .

Go for a ladies only weekend if you don't want it to be about the kids - but how can you have a holiday with children and not expect it to be about them?????

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 15:48

Why is it SHAMEFUL not to like certain children?

I don't like LOADS of children - can't bear children who spit / hit /swear

I don't think that's SHAMEFUL, why should I love ALL children?

OP posts:
LyraSilvertongue · 16/04/2008 15:48

MrsMattie, why is it shameful to not like the friend's son? We can't like everybody. I like some children more than others (not my own but friends') I try hard not to show it with the ones (very few) I don't like because they're only children.

PotPourri · 16/04/2008 15:48

You said you are a group of 4 friends - sorry, I can't see how this definition fits. The others are saying not to invite her, you are considering not inviting her. She is clearly not part of 'the group'.

I think it benefits quiet children to mix with more boistrous children and vice versa - they learn about others that way, and how to relate to people different from themselves. Personally, I would either go on holiday yourselves/overnight spa thing and leave the kids out of it. Or all 4 of you go.

However, if secretly you don't want this lady in your 'group' then going ahead with a holiday without her is a sure way to exclude and remove her.

MadamePlatypus · 16/04/2008 15:48

I am going to say the classic "haven't read the rest of the thread", because it sounds a bit angry in places. Having glanced through it I see you have a apologised for the "mum of boy" comment, so I will continue.

I think the way forward is to separate your friendship with the mums from your children's friendship. I haven't got to this stage yet, but I suppose at some stage (moving schools, being a different sex), some children will stop being best buddies. I am 36 and my mum is still friends with people she pushed prams with even though we the children haven't spoken for years. It is likely that at some stage your daughters will have different friendships - if you keep basing your friendships on your daughter's friendships life will get very complicated and difficult for all of you. If you want to maintain the friendship I think the answer is to do mum things with mums and let the children do their own thing.

dripping · 16/04/2008 15:49

I think it would be a mistake to go on holiday with the boy. I think if there is a child that you feel negative about for good reason, then the worst thing to do is to have a long, enforced period together, when it would be hard to disguise your feelings and your tension would mount up. I certainly know people who i wouldn't wnt to go on holiday with because of their children. However, why not suggest a v short local weekend trip with all the kids as a tester and see how it goes?