to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

[brownmouse]

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

MRsMattie: There is giving your opinion and being just bloody horrible. in the case, I've seen a lot of that. Which is a shame.

I have NO issues at all when people disagree, of course not! Its just the way it is done sometimes.

If you are a true friend, ad have a huge issue like this going on, that is beginning to really affect your friendship, of course you have to be honest with your friend. Yes, she may be upset, yes, she may be hurt, but what other choice do you have? Let the friendship just go?
NO, you don't, you try to sort it out, by being open and honest. Surely thats what real friends do? Discuss thing openly and honestly? Yes, accept there may be a fall out from it. you also deal with that as and when it happens, but at least you know you have been true to yourself, and to your friend.
Her friend may actually welcome some open discussion about it. May actually want to talkk about how difficult it can be. It could end up being a positive thing. Who knows? However, if just left, no good will come of it, it will just fester under the surface, which would be worse, IMVHO

so the boy is hard work.
why can`t girls play football,running games etc etc.instead of sitting playing nicely all the time
Maybe he kicks off becos no one will play with him

Come on ..... surely we have all been friends with people throughout our lives who, it then transpires, has a horrible child(ren), husband, friends or dog. You cannot turn a switch on and like someone if all your instincts are screaming that you don't.

Obviously though, most of us would be polite in company of said horrible person (child/friend/husband/dog .... yeah, I do appreciate a dog isn't a person) when our paths crossed but realistically, we would almost certainly try to arrange to see our friend when contact with the people we don't like can be minimised. And yes ..... that can be bloody tricky sometimes - especially with children - because they are usually around a lot more than a husband for example - and often calls for a great deal of diplomacy.

To be fair to the OP, it does seem as if - so far - this friend hasn't been excluded from get togethers or playdates. And it's fair enough to say that the boy's behaviour could be exacerbated by the fact he doesn't have another boy to play with and acts up because he is bored. However, all of you who think the OP should go on holiday with him regardless are nuts (or true saints perhaps ?).

If the friend is a very close one, and the 4 of you usually do everything together, then she probably would feel hurt at being left out ..... unless you feel she is the sort of person who acknowledges that her son is challenging, and who'd readily admit that a trip away would also be a strain for her, if she felt she had to concentrate 200% on him to ensure he wasn't upsetting anyone else (though it does sound as if she's pretty laid back about it).

So ..... I agree in so much that unless you can talk frankly with her (and only you can sum the risk of doing that up) then it's probably best to go away without any children at all.

However, I don't think you should feel guilty for disliking her son per se. Yes, he's a child - and of course, I am sure you make allowances for his age in reagrds to his behaviour - any reasonable adult would, but, if, having done that, you still don't like him - you don't like him, simple as that. Kids are people too - just smaller versions - and we can't automatically fall in love with everyone we meet.

I hope you get something sorted out - both with the holiday, and, going forward, with this friend and her son as I'm sure it can't be easy maintaing a friendship when you have such strong feelings about her child, even when they're justifiable (and that includes your frustration at her "different" parenting style).

Come on ..... surely we have all been friends with people throughout our lives who, it then transpires, has a horrible child(ren), husband, friends or dog. You cannot turn a switch on and like someone if all your instincts are screaming that you don't.

Obviously though, most of us would be polite in company of said horrible person (child/friend/husband/dog .... yeah, I do appreciate a dog isn't a person) when our paths crossed but realistically, we would almost certainly try to arrange to see our friend when contact with the people we don't like can be minimised. And yes ..... that can be bloody tricky sometimes - especially with children - because they are usually around a lot more than a husband for example - and often calls for a great deal of diplomacy.

To be fair to the OP, it does seem as if - so far - this friend hasn't been excluded from get togethers or playdates. And it's fair enough to say that the boy's behaviour could be exacerbated by the fact he doesn't have another boy to play with and acts up because he is bored. However, all of you who think the OP should go on holiday with him regardless are nuts (or true saints perhaps ?).

If the friend is a very close one, and the 4 of you usually do everything together, then she probably would feel hurt at being left out ..... unless you feel she is the sort of person who acknowledges that her son is challenging, and who'd readily admit that a trip away would also be a strain for her, if she felt she had to concentrate 200% on him to ensure he wasn't upsetting anyone else (though it does sound as if she's pretty laid back about it).

So ..... I agree in so much that unless you can talk frankly with her (and only you can sum the risk of doing that up) then it's probably best to go away without any children at all.

However, I don't think you should feel guilty for disliking her son per se. Yes, he's a child - and of course, I am sure you make allowances for his age in reagrds to his behaviour - any reasonable adult would, but, if, having done that, you still don't like him - you don't like him, simple as that. Kids are people too - just smaller versions - and we can't automatically fall in love with everyone we meet.

I hope you get something sorted out - both with the holiday, and, going forward, with this friend and her son as I'm sure it can't be easy maintaing a friendship when you have such strong feelings about her child, even when they're justifiable (and that includes your frustration at her "different" parenting style).

Message withdrawn

Name change is pointless. She will see this thread and know it is about her.

I think you are being very mean and it will come back to bite you on the bum quite frankly.

BTW could you not stop him ripping out wires? Your house, yes?

Sorry for double post.

Meant to add - I have been away with kids I am not overly fond of (won't elaborate) and it certainly didn't feel like a holiday.

Well I have to beg to differ. I would never say I disliked a child, especially not a very young one. I might find them difficult, but hey - some kids are difficult. I might disagree with someone's parenting style (God knows I do disagree with my friends on a lot of stuff). I might even prefer one child over another secretly (although I would try never to show this in my actions).

Bbut I cannot imagine ever sitting around with 3 of my 4 closest friends and deciding to exclude one of them from a holiday because they had a child who was more boisterous than the others. I really do think it's absolutely shameful.

If the OP had just wanted a pat on the back and a 'there, there' she clearly wouldn't have posted on MN, would she?

Oh, MRSMATTIE, I wasn't referring specifically to your post when I mentioned the vitriol on it.

However, how can you say its shameful to not like someone? child or otherwise? We can't always like everyone we meet, and that extends to children too!

Some children are really difficult to be around, and therefore it is understandable that someone may not like their company. That is not an outrageous thing to say!

I personally, have never come across a child I did not like, ever.

I can understand why that might be the case with some though. We clearly have a difference of opinion on this. It does not make me shameful.

I would not go on holiday with anyone I didn't want to, I mean why the smeg would you ?? Holidays are precious and infrequent unless you're mega wealthy.

Also sounds like you have massively different parenting styles - yet another reason to not go on holiday - who needs the stress?

I would however tell her though and tell her the truth - that it is because you have different styles.

If someone told me this I would have no problem with this at all, indeed I can imagine it happening. I have a different style to many people because I am a foster carer and there's lots I can't do that a normal parent might consider.

x post there...

we will beg to differ.

Like you, i've not disliked a child before, however, I can perfectly imagine that it is possible, as it is with dislkiing anyone. Adult, child or otherwise... ( otherwise? what else is there? )

I have definately come across a few children that I don't like. I am fully aware that the reasons why I don't like them generally stem from differences in parenting, and therefore behaviours that they see as appropriate, which I don't.

I think you do need to be clear with yourself on what the issue is. It's not because he is a boy, and it's not because he is an evil child. But it does seem to be related to differences in parenting and what you want your children exposed to etc etc. If you value this friendship (your own that is) then you need to talk to your friend. However, if the parenting style has affected your friendship (which has happened to me), then it might be better to let the whole 'happy group of mums and children' act drop and just stick to either little contact or mums only contact.

Hope you get it sorted, it's really crap when you have issues like this

After last years holiday with friends and their 3 boys and our ds and dd.We did have a eye opener.Our dd had no choice but to play with the lads at first she wasnt happy about it but then got in2 it.In return the lads had to go to the kiddie disco and dance
Its all give and take

You cant tell your friend how you feel becos she will be really upset.But you could tell the boy off if you think he is being naughty

It is a holiday for the three little girls, too. How do they feel about the little boy? Do they like him, just tune him out, or are they fearful of him? Or something in between?

We did once go on holiday with a family whose DS basically terrorised my littler ds. Never again. Converely, we have been on holidays where children of different ages and sexes and energy levels just mixed in - lovely. But it is the girls' choice too, I would think.

Surely it is the behaviour you don't like, not the child?

I still think it is mean to leave the mother and child out. She isn't stupid. She will know exactly why you haven't asked her and maybe then she will dump you.

YANBU.

We went on holday with friends earleir this year - they have a little boy. I have nothing against boys but this one is very energetic and terrorised my dd the whole week.

I vowed to dh that we ain't going away with them again unless his behaviour improves - which it may well do as he gets older. You have precious little holidays as it is without them being spoiled.

Hi am new to this so may need a little help especially with the language etc. Have briefly read some of the posts and i have a little boy who can be a handful but who's child can't be whatever gender they are, however, i do in some respects agree and disagree. Kids at that age(5) can be very influenced by other kids and i also know of friends kids who completely lead my son astray but isn't that all part of growing up and making choices (for the kids. i think you should all go away but have time out for all the individual couples....

Just think how it would feel if you were the one with the "problem" child instead of your friend and the other four went away without you. How crap would you feel. You would probably be permanently stressed if your child is always hitting people etc anyway, so this would just be another kick in the teeth.

I am afraid that I wouldn't go with a DC whose behaviour was going to spoil my holiday. I don't have a lot of money and holidays are very precious.I wouldn't want to exclude the mother so would probably not go as a group at all.

Have only read first few posts.

It's a tricky situation for all concerned.
Whatever is decided no one is gong to be pleased. If you go without her you will lose a friend , feel shit and not enjoy your holiday.
If you go with her everyone will be stressed and miserable by the sound of it.
Perhaps arranging this holiday was not the most judicious of moves?

Come on, give the girl a break! While I agree the op could have been worded better, but, She has come on here for a bit of advice on how to deal with a tricky situation, not for you all to judge her on what kind of friend she is!
I agree with AbbeyA.

Message withdrawn

OKay.

Let's deal with it.

You have choices

Don't go as a group

All go but without the children

All go but without her and don't tell her

Tell her you are all going on holiday together but don't want her and her son to go as you feel her son will spoil for all of you

Your call

'I don't think you always tell the TRUTH to friends TBH, I have one good mate with a TERRIBLE husband (completely without a sense of humour) but I'm not going to tell her that's why we don't stay with them anymore'

But you don't have to put it that way.

Imagine what she thinks, she probably goes round in circles wondering why, what she did to piss you off.

Rather than just saying, 'Look, I'm really sorry, PalB, but when your husband acts like a twat, belittles you in public, gets stupid drunk, etc. it makes us REALLY uncomfortable. In fact, for us we find it unbearable for a length of time, and that's why we don't see each other so frequently.'

I mean, wouldn't you rather know rather than wonder all the time? You may not even be aware of how bad the problem is.

Myer ,I must have missed the part where she said "ALL" boys are loud and noisy!!!!
I was of the opinion that she was just referring to one child..