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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 14:07

'??? i feel like i'm taking crazy pills. ??? this is personal and it is precisely all about this little boy. how horrible for him and his mum. '

No, you're not taking crazy pills. I disagree with the amount of vitriol on this thread and I can see the OP's point, however badly worded.

And if I knew that my parenting style was directly in contrast to that of my friend's, I could live with her not wanting to be around our style in a holiday setting and not take it as the end of the world.

Likewise, she would be okay with it if she were 'excluded' from mine.

SmugColditz · 16/04/2008 14:08

YOu're not obliged to like anyone, but we are not obliged to tell you you're being perfectly nice when you're not.

Remember, she loves hers just as much as you love yours, can't you imagine how painful it would be to be excluded like this? Really can you not imagine?

ggglmpp · 16/04/2008 14:08

for perpetuity or in perpetuity?

I need a pedant.

And a holiday in an Engleesh speaking country. Invites welcome (am normally lovely non judgy guest )

ruty · 16/04/2008 14:09

we do have this issue with a 2 year old brother of one of ds's friends. I love his mum but she does allow him to do ridiculous things, draw al over my walls, break ds's toys, whack things on the floor, spit, etc. It is exhausting and frustrating. but i wouldn't stop seeing her or ds's friend so I have to accept the little boy. I'm not saying it is an easy situation for anyone, I'm just saying sometimes people and circumstances don't gel as wonderfully as we'd like, and we can't always engineer it to be so.

ggglmpp · 16/04/2008 14:09

I am talking to myself.

Off to watch ds play rugby. Big ds, not baby ds as baby ds can't yet sit up, let alone be a rugger man.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 14:09

Save a bullet for me, too, ggg.

ggglmpp · 16/04/2008 14:10

and shoot expat too.

am orf

belgo · 16/04/2008 14:10

I think the OP is being very unureasonable but I also disagree with the amount of vitriol on this thread.

There's no need for most of it.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 14:11

Same here. Gotta head into town for some margarine.

S1ur · 16/04/2008 14:12

Brownmouse I think you're getting an overly rough ride here.

As I said originally I empathise with your position and it is a nice idea for a holiday.

But if you exclude one mate it is going to be hurtful and you're not being terribly generous to the boy.

I don't think that makes you a shit friend or a bitch but there have to better ways of dealing with this. As someone said waaay below, if you'd posting asking for suggestions of what to do with friend's boisterous child on holiday it would have probably worked out better

This thread and the Nappy one are awful bitchy. Neither of you deserve to be insulted like this.

purpleduck · 16/04/2008 14:12

The issue isn't so much the kids, it is how the GROWNUPS should behave toward someone who is their FRIEND!!!

I agree with Yorkshirepuddings first post..."fastforward into the teenage years..."

Except I would say that it won't even take that long.

Everyone does their best as a parent, maybe the mother of the boy really can't cope, maybe he has undiagnosed sn...?

Brownmouse, in 20 years time, which would have a bigger impact - a holiday that was a bit fraught, or the loss of a friend.

BTW, I GET that sometimes you can't holiday with friends.... I think its RARE when you can!

wannaBe · 16/04/2008 14:12

but it's personal.

it's not like saying "we're going on a gambling/wine tasting/scuba diving/ holiday", op is saying to the child in question "we're all going on holiday and you and mummy aren't invited because we don't like you" (not in those words but the actions say it).

I can understand that there are children we all don't like. Some children's behavior is horrendous and the parents do nothing to discipline them. I can see why one wouldn't want to go on holiday with such a child, and that's fine.

But you can't have it both ways - you can't exclude the child and expect the friendship not to suffer.

so fine to go on holiday without friend and her disruptive child, just as long as you're aware that the friend might not consider you such a good friend after that.

MummyDoIt · 16/04/2008 14:15

Really at how vicious some of these posts are. The OP has repeatedly apologised for the phrasing of her initial post. Let it go. Now she can't do right for doing wrong. You're pressing her to explain the £200 damage then ridiculing her when she does as she's destroyed her anonymity. There are criticisms that the boy was left unsupervised and so was able to cause the damage but who really watches five year olds every second? I certainly allow mine to play in another room. I'm rather sickened by this thread and am walking away now. BrownMouse, I suggest you come with me!

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 14:22

I wuold totally understand if I was excluded from people's events/holidays because I had an awful child or husband

In fact I probably AM on a regular basis! I really don't expect everyone to like me/my husband/children and to want to be around me all the time

I went on loads of holidays with friends before children and NONE since - because they don't like (my?) kids

That's life I don't take it personally

We are at an age where we were starting to talk one day about a cheap 99 quid 4-night rough deal and how we could wing it with the girls - so I brought it here for your judgement

Judgement is pretty clear - don't do it

But I appreciate how this is being viewed (and I do love my friend) so will take your advice on board

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 16/04/2008 14:23

I do understand, BM, and it does sound fun, and I also know how one difficult child could wreck the whole deal, but you can't do this and keep this friend, so you have to choose which you would rather do.

Ripeberry · 16/04/2008 14:25

Brownmouse, you're not a shit friend cos otherwise you would not have come on Mn to ask!
Is there anyway you can get a fifth person to go, who has a boy? maybe then they could play together.
I've just shouted at our neighbours kids this afternoon as they kept ringing by doorbell and running away (these are 12yr olds), throwing things over the hedge and making V-signs everytime i go out in the car.
Today just had enough and i just told them to clear off and stop ringing or else.
I was shaking for a whole half hour after.
Then went to see their mum (who i get on with OK) and she had already told them off as well and agreed that we can't wait until they go back to school!
If any of my DD1s friends come over and destroy anything they will be told off so that they know they have done wrong, if they don't like being told off then that's the way they were brought up.

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 14:27

I agree with Slur (though no idea what the Nappy thread is)

Oblomov · 16/04/2008 14:41

I can't imagine that ANYONE would ever want to go on holiday with us.
Seriously we do nothing. Entertain ds in the pool. Have siestas and then go dinner and dancing.
And god, I don't want to go on holiday with anyone else either.

MrsSeanSlater · 16/04/2008 14:46

I have a friend with two little boys I don't like at all. One is always hurting my two DSs and the other one whines and moans constantly that everything's 'boring'. It takes a supreme effort to spend an afternoon with them, let alone a whole holiday.
No-one's saying you have to like this woman's son, but you can't just slip away on holiday with the other friends in the group and hope she doesn't find out. That would be extremely hurtful for her.
If you do decide to go away with the other friends, you need to tell her why she's not invited and just accept it if she decides she doesn't want to be your friend anymore.

Beetroot · 16/04/2008 14:47

I do not recommend going away on holiday with people you don't like (even if you love one of them) It does not work

NEVER AGAIN

MrsSeanSlater · 16/04/2008 14:49

Btw Op, why did you get a plumber in to fix your broken fuse box?

Oblomov · 16/04/2008 14:54

Really Beety, explain

barnstaple · 16/04/2008 15:06

brownmouse, the reason I asked you how you were a good friend, was because, like Expat, I expect my friends to tell me the truth, and if they don't then they are mere acquaintances. That's all.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 15:15

I was being OPAQUE about the plumber

OP posts:
Beetroot · 16/04/2008 15:16

Ob - NO

But we ran away