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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
Greyriverside · 16/04/2008 13:55

Brownmouse, have your holiday and enjoy it. Don't let all this stop you.

TenaciousG · 16/04/2008 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Uriel · 16/04/2008 13:56

I like expat's view.

SmugColditz · 16/04/2008 13:56

It's not the fact you are going, it's the fact that she's the only one you're leaving behind. I bet the boy would enjoy it too, do you think only your children would enjoy going abroad?

Tutter · 16/04/2008 13:56

"OK I changed names because she sometimes comes on MN and I wanted to be slightly OPAQUE

Her son ripped the wiring out of the main electrical fuse box in my kitchen"

pmsl

Ledodgy · 16/04/2008 13:57

He ripped out the wiring in your kitchen? Where were you and where was your dd at the time?

Tutter · 16/04/2008 13:57

she'll never guess it'd her then, lol

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 13:57

I wasn't BITCHING about her boy doing damage to my hosue - I was giving it as one example of why I lost my patience one time (among many). Where is the bitching?

I am REALLY SORRY that I have upset so many people, I agree my OP was badly worded.

OP posts:
Tutter · 16/04/2008 13:57

i was lolling because you're doing acrap job of keeping it anon

Lazycow · 16/04/2008 13:58

A agree with youcannotbe serious. Your friend may be hurt but at least you are being honest with her and that is less hurtful than finding out afterwards that you friends can't stand your child - Which is fundamentally what you are saying.

susiecutiebananas · 16/04/2008 13:59

I agree with you Expat. It made me feel sick to the stomach.And NOT because of the OP.

I understand your concerns OP, however, i really think that
you will hurt your friend very deeply if you go without her. She may well be aware of how you feel about her son, and his behaviour, but he is still her precious boy. She still loves him. It will Still hurt to think that a) he is excluded, for being too lively, b) she is not invited either due to him.

It sounds to me, that he is just plainly bored playing with 3 girls! What 5 year old boy wouldn't be? Its what they do! He will grow up, and out of it.

I just can't see how you can go away at all, with all this going on. I see you love your friend, of course you do, I gather that from your posts. I think there are far to many attacking, horrible posts on here. Looking at things on the very surface, without really thinking about your situation.

I can also see, you don't actually want a girls ( adult girls ) weekend away, it was to get the children away too...

Having been excluded from a holiday with friends when we were about 17,( still have no idea why ) by a note being pushed through the door... I never got over how that made me feel. Even now, when I think of it, it makes me upset inside.

ALl I can suggest is that you re think not inviting them. That you do all go somewhere, perhaps in england, if you fear the travel would be too difficult. If she is a real friend, that you do love, you need to talk to her about it. tactfully. You must , for the sake of your future friendship. You can find away to talk without being nasty. Perhaps just tell her all of this, but say you couldn't possibly go without her.. that you felt so concerned about it, that you had considered not asking her, but realised you couldn't/didn't want to do that to her.

i dont have all the answers, obviously, I just do know that your relationship with her will be ruined, never the same again.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 13:59

No, two words:

Be HONEST.

Seriously, why are people your friends when you can't share how you feel with them, and they share your feelings with you?

And KNOW that even if you do take it the wrong way, they'll ask you for more clarification before kicking off.

And be able to say, 'When you said XYZ, it really upset me because . . . '

What's so hard about that?

To phone her up and say, 'Look, PalA, this is really hard to say, but you're my friend and so have you got a minute to talk? . . .'

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 14:00

Yes I know I have blown my cover if she reads that far but I was getting rather PRESSED to justify it

We were sitting in another room - he was kicking the fuse box I assume or climbing on teh cupboards, it must have taken very little time

Anyway, it was just one occasion, that sort of thing happens, fine. It pisses me off less than the constant jumping on adults / shouting / throwing things TBH

OP posts:
ggglmpp · 16/04/2008 14:01

i FELL OUT BIG TIME WITH ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRO oops friends when she had children. They were wild and totally out of control. The baby used to whimper when they approached her, even from the safety of my lap. They left a trail of desruction and tears in their wake. I had girls and hers were boys, but it was their behaviour that made spending any time with them (and thus, her) unbearable - even for an afternoon. i could never have gone on holiday with them. Shudder.

I did try to talk to her - I asked her children to help mine tidy up the blasted - as in laid waste to - play room, the broken masted sail boats, the ripped books and the thrown about puzzles and the spirit level they had found on a high kitchen shelf (hell, I didn't even know it was there) that one little poppet had used as a javelin, and she said that they were tired and loaded them in to her volvo estate and drove home.

Incidentally, we were in the kitchen next door with the baby who was not happy to be in the same room as them - she kept getting up, putting her head round the door to the playroom and saying 'they're all playing nicely' when I asked her, baby clamped to bosom, to see what the noise was. It took under ten minutes to go from playroom to Iraq.

YANBU.

Greyriverside · 16/04/2008 14:01

I think someone said this, but the boy will be happier at a place where he is expected to run and shout and release his energy.

And a true friend will understand the reasoning

marina · 16/04/2008 14:02

brownmouse, I asked if the boy was the single mum's child because I wondered if it would influence the other dps' willingness to consider him as a sleepover guest while you mothers went away for the weekend on your own.
Not everyone on here has been calling for your head on a plate

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 14:02

Exactly, ggg.

It's less about gender and more about parenting styles, SN excepted.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 14:04

That is true expat/Marina

Thanks for your posts

Yes it is about parenting styles and she is very relaxed because she had a very abusive past and I think that is sensible and understandable

Not sure about discussing it with her, she is well aware of the issue, will probably take the easiest option and just do nowt

OP posts:
yorkshirepudding · 16/04/2008 14:04

Message withdrawn

TenaciousG · 16/04/2008 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkTulips · 16/04/2008 14:04

well i have a boy and a girl and either would be a canditate for the woman the op is discussing tbh

OP was badly phrased and condecending but i can kinda see her point, unfortunately i think the worst thing she could possibly do would be to go on holiday with kids but exclude this woman and her son (who is probably perfectly lovely if you actually give him attention instead of getting annoyed when he comes looking for it)

either go on holiday with everyone, or go without any kids at all but DO NOT exclude this poor woman!

btw, i think you're gonna be in for a real shock when you find out how 4 5 year olds behave when they're stuck together for days on end.... your little princesses might be a wee bit more boisterous than you'd imagine!

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 14:05

Yes it is about the little boy

But I'm not obliged to like HIM

Just as I'm not obliged to like all my friends' husbands

That doesn't change how I feel about my friends

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 14:05

Fair enough, brown. You know her better than we do.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 14:06

Yes thanks, I understand I'm a shit friend and a bitch

OP posts:
ggglmpp · 16/04/2008 14:07

I would like to add that my friend is dd1s godmother. We haven't seen her for 12 years because I could not tolerate her children/parenting style. Shoot me - before you shoot poor old brownmouse who is only talking about a holiday, I am talking about dropping for perpetuity

But I am normally a lovely friend. Normally.