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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude my friend from a holiday because she's got a boy?

574 replies

brownmouse · 16/04/2008 12:37

regular here blah blah (we need an acronym for this )

I have a small group of 4 friends, we all have 1 child of the same age (5)

One of us has a boy

I am arranging a summer break for us all but the three of us with girls really don't want the other person coming along. The girls play nicely together while we sit around talking. The boy is loud and whacks the girls and is constantly full of energy, and is constantly knocking into us, interupting our conversation.

We'd like a summer BREAK where we sit around while the girls play. If we invite the mum-of-boy it won't be a break, it will be noisy and stressful.

Should we arrange it and exclude her, or just invite her and accept that it will just be a child-focussed holiday?

OP posts:
chocolatedot · 16/04/2008 17:14

YABU. We've just been on holiday for 10 days with a friend and her 2 children, one of whom is on a final warning for expulsion for violence. He's a complete handful with massive behavioural issues. However, his mum is my friend and I was really pleased with the way my (incredibly well behaved son) got along with him. We had a great time.

Marne · 16/04/2008 17:17

My dd1 has aspergers and can be badly behaved at times, we have made friends with a mum and dd up the road, sometimes my dd can be a pain when my friends dd comes over but the mum still brings her dd to play even though it often ends in tears. She sometimes mentions my dd's behaviour which upsets me a little as her dd is no angel.

I would be upset if dd1 was left out of anything because of her Aspergers.

The little boy needs to get used to social situations and learn how to behave around people, the only way this will happen is by being around other children and adults.

I think you are all being selfish.

Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 17:17

It isn't those things though expat, he's just right wing but she loves him, she thinks he's GREAT

anyway, circumstances change, people grow apart for all sorts of reasons

We won't pursue the holiday thing, I haven't ARRANGED anything, the three of us were just talking recently about holidays we'd had in the past and we started tossing around possibilities, it was purely fantasy, and will stay that way.

Yes I am a terrible friend, I'll add that to the list that includes bitch, two-faced, shit, selfish, smug, a shite person, etc

OP posts:
Original poster
brownmouse · 16/04/2008 17:19

Is it REALLY selfish to want to take the girls away where there won't be SCREAMS and cold flannels every five minutes and you can't have a cup of coffee without getting it knocked over you?

I don't know, maybe it is

OP posts:
ruty · 16/04/2008 17:20

i can see it is a tricky situation bm, and you don't deserve to be called those things. Perhaps people feel strongly because it reminds them of a feeling of being rejected or something in the past.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 17:22

No, I see where you are coming from, brown, and you've apologised ad nauseum for the poorly worded OP. It happens.

TBH, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with such a person who just didn't discipline their child around others, no matter what the child's gender.

If that makes me a bad friend, oh, well. She'd know long before that came about how I felt because I'd tell her.

FrannyandZooey · 16/04/2008 17:23

I can understand where you are coming from

people do like to jump on any perceived unfairness - the reaction to threads like this doesn't really bear much resemblance to what people actually choose to do in RL

it sounds like it's not a great idea for all the reasons stated

hope you can find another way to have a break without this stress

expatinscotland · 16/04/2008 17:23

I don't think you deserve to be called all that, either.

Children need to learn that you don't go to someone's house and tear stuff up, beat up the host's kids, etc. It's not cool or cute.

Iota · 16/04/2008 17:25

Call me selfish, but life is too short to go on a holiday that you won't enjoy.

Other people's children can be very wearing and hard to put up with and I speak as the mother of 2 lively, energetic but not truly badly behaved boys.

Cadmum · 16/04/2008 17:26

I just wish that this was a wind-up...

If she is a 'regular poster' then I would love to know why the OP even mentioned that the fourth childwho happens to be boisterousis a boy?

BM: IMO YABU but I would rather not spend money on a holiday with someone who felt the way you do so I suppose that you ought to mention it to the woman.

ButterflyBessie · 16/04/2008 17:45

Brownmouse

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would not agree to go on holiday with this child either.

But there again, I would not go on holiday with any friends with children, parenting styles always vary and I am too opinionated to cope with lax rules and unruly children for more than a day .

It does appear to me that a childfree break would be more fun for you all anyway, I suggest you opt for that

If you do decide to go as a foursome with children please do come back and tell us how it went

I am sorry you have had such a hard time on here, I don't think that it is justified

kitsmummy · 16/04/2008 18:00

Wow, poor Brownmouse, I completely understand where she's coming from? I have a friend that I completely love but her child is vile. Sorry but he is. He's a real little shit, I wouldn't go on holiday with him and have my holiday ruined.

LIZS · 16/04/2008 18:05

yes but kitsmummy there is a difference between that and being selective among an apparently equally friendly group to the obvious exclusion of one. I wonder how the 4 of you have remained friends thus far tbh since it is so apparent 3 of you cannot abide the child of the 4th. Is it time to do yourselves all a favour and accept it has run its course perhaps ? Otherwise you could ask the 4th mum if there is a friend she would like to bring with a child her ds gets along with.

shatteredmumsrus · 16/04/2008 18:08

I think the general opinion is that yes YABU and i strongly agree. So much so I had post!What you are thinking of is terrible and I wouldnt want a friend that would think like you.Your friendship obviously doesnt mean that much to you. Sorry

shatteredmumsrus · 16/04/2008 18:09

Oh yeah and IMO she needs a holiday more than you so why dont you invite her and give her a break from her 'energetic son'!

kitsmummy · 16/04/2008 18:13

Yes Lizs, to be fair I wouldn't actually go on holiday with any of them, rather than just exclude the one.

mm22bys · 16/04/2008 18:21

Only read half of the thread, and I am horrified.

If the poor boy is such a PITA, and he is all of 5, how has the "friendship" lasted as long as it has?

Or maybe they aren't all as close as is made out.

If you are all so close as you seem to want to make out, you all go, and don't leave the MOB out, unless because she has a boy who is harder work than a girl, you are quite happy to let the friendship go.

With friends like you....

shineoncrazytalula · 16/04/2008 18:21

tbh..i don't think you ever get a "break" when you go on holiday with children...even quiet ones!. in this situation i would either go on my own, or try and arrange for you and your friends to go without the children (not easy i know)

aprilgirl1 · 16/04/2008 18:26

please dont do this to your friend... if this little boy is so hyper it sounds like a holiday with her friends would be ideal for her, i would hate to think my friends would exclude me because they werent keen on my son , this would hurt me deeply! i have a friend who's little boy is slightly older than my ds and picks on him something rotten but that is something we deal with between us i would never hurt her by not going places with her... please think about this is it could rusult in a loss of friendship x

Greyriverside · 16/04/2008 18:31

I think Brownmouse needs a holiday now more than ever. A nice quiet relaxing holiday without worries.

I was thinking that if ever she was in need of a lively, boisterous time she could take the friend with the boy and leave the other three, but I guess that would be disapproved of too.

I'm wondering about the general assumption that this friend is going to go to pieces and be forever damaged by not being invited along. Is this how all adults are now? like sulky children throwing tantrums because they didn't get what they wanted? That worries me more than this thread.

Casserole · 16/04/2008 18:36

"I went on loads of holidays with friends before children and NONE since - because they don't like (my?) kids

Really? Maybe your kids aren't the problem. Cos if this is how you treat your friends, I wouldn't go on holiday with you if you paid me.

Of COURSE you have the right to holiday with whomever you want. But to sit around with 3 out of your group of 4 friends planning ways to exclude the 4th? That's a whole other level.

What annoys me is that you didn't need to start this thread to see that. You changed your name; you blatantly knew you were being unreasonable and now you're pouting and sulking "oh, yes, you're right, I'm so shit blah blah blah" because people have confirmed what you already knew but were hoping to be able to find a way of wriggling out of.

If you want to continue this friendship, which you say means a lot to you, you're going to have to deal with this issue and be honest with her, rather than exclude, patronise or lie to her.

To be honest, I hope she does read this thread then gets herself some new friends. I don't know about the 3 of you, but she deserves better.

unknownrebelbang · 16/04/2008 18:45

Is the child a handful because his mother doesn't discipline him, or because he doesn't get appropriate attention, either from the sweet, angelic, well-behaved girls who have bonded or the four mothers who are drinking tea and chatting?

Am sitting on the fence about whether or not yabu. The OP was badly worded (and I see that you've apologised) but I can see that possibly the child plays up because of lack of attention, rather than just because he's not very nice or lack of discipline.

Oblomov · 16/04/2008 18:48

Casserole, was that a quote?
Who said that ?

Casserole · 16/04/2008 18:50

The OPer, in one of her posts.

FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 18:51

brownmouse
t he girls sodns utter dfullards

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