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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do if someone offered to wave a magic wand, and you didn’t have children anymore?

348 replies

Geriatricmillenial · 15/08/2024 18:01

I love my children and they do bring joy, but I get this thought in my head sometimes.

The conditions of the spell would have to be that I had no knowledge of my children whatsoever, I would just go back in time to before they were born and make dramatically different choices.

I get the impression a lot of the other mums I know don’t really feel this way, so is it just me?

OP posts:
SaulHudsonDavidJones · 15/08/2024 20:32

I think it's ok to feel both ways sometimes - kids are HARD, life would be objectively easier without them, but I love them more than anything and would never not want them in my life.

FoxRedPuppy · 15/08/2024 20:38

I also genuinely wonder sometimes if it was cruel to have my youngest dc. She’s autistic and has significant issues and has lived most of her life with anxiety. She will always find life difficult, and it feels cruel.

And my oldest would have loved to travel and do all sorts, but his life is very limited due to her needs. Absolutely not her fault, but it’s hard not to feel awful about that as a parent.

They are both amazing humans, but when people describe parenting as the best thing I do wonder. I love the time I get away from them to be me. As I said, I’m just too selfish. I always thought I’d travel with children, lovely christmases. My dd finds travel very hard, and it often ends badly. And Christmas has to be very low key. Those are just a couple of examples.

Shes been out of education for 18months, and I’ve been fighting through tribunals to get her a school place. It’s nearly finished me off with the stress. I’d happily not have that.

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 15/08/2024 20:38

Fuck no. It makes me feel sick to think about it actually. I sometimes think of the past and the circumstances that led to my son being born and it freaks me out that it could've gone so differently. He's all I've ever wanted.

(He's been a complete sod today but I'd never ever be without him)

Gogogo12345 · 15/08/2024 20:40

Sunshineandrainbow · 15/08/2024 18:04

Yes now I have had them I can't make them disappear.... But if I had my life again I wouldn't have children which is hard to say. But having been a single parent for 23 years it's so tough rasing kids in a single income house and not just financially I mean emotionally as well.

This I'm through the other side now they all grown but my life would've been so much simpler without then

GivingitToGod · 15/08/2024 20:40

Sunshineandrainbow · 15/08/2024 18:04

Yes now I have had them I can't make them disappear.... But if I had my life again I wouldn't have children which is hard to say. But having been a single parent for 23 years it's so tough rasing kids in a single income house and not just financially I mean emotionally as well.

Thanks. Ditto

Sparklyhat · 15/08/2024 20:43

I think I would have had just the one child, rather than two, if there was a magic wand. I'd never say that out loud

ArnoldArnoldArnoldRimmer · 15/08/2024 20:44

I love my kids but I don’t think I’m a very good mum. I was always great with kids before I had them but a mixture of PND, anxiety and general overwhelm/failure to function means I just don’t have the patience to be the mum I thought I would be. Can I magic wand a better mum for my kids and leave me to be miserable alone?

GivingitToGod · 15/08/2024 20:45

Lovelylydia · 15/08/2024 19:38

Yes I would, not because I don’t love them but because I don’t feel I’m equipped to be a mother. I lost my own mother when I was young and have really struggled with parenting.

Take care, I can identify with that

ImthatBoleyngirl · 15/08/2024 20:46

Definitely not! They are the best things that have ever happened to me!

Prapsfound · 15/08/2024 20:46

This is a really hard question as I (and I bet others) would find it hard to put yourself in the position of the wonderful kids not being there if that makes sense. I would be tempted by the freedom and more money/travel at this stage in life, but then I think I would still have them as they’ve added a lot to my social life and there a lot of positive ripple effects from having them. Two being motivating me to get fitter and not drink as much (I wonder where that would have gone with the partying if kids hadn’t grounded me), making lots of food friends through kids etc etc. so yeah, I would still have them on balance.

Prapsfound · 15/08/2024 20:47

Good friends not food friends!

Foreversad40 · 15/08/2024 20:49

I was on the fence about children, erring on the side of not really wanting them.

I had my baby when I was 37. I love them to bits, they’re so intelligent and funny and at a great age and stage. But I’m not a natural mother. I have a mental health condition that comes with a sleep disorder, I really struggle with the early mornings 7 days a week. I miss being able to rot in bed when I’m depressed. Now when I’m ill I still need to get up and function and take care of another soul when I can’t be arsed taking care of myself. People might think having a focus helps depression but it absolutely doesn’t, it just makes me feel like a crap mother because I’m too emotionally, mentally and physically drained to give my all to my lovely child.

I would wave the wand because I think my beautiful baby deserves better.

Hummingbirdie · 15/08/2024 20:51

Wouldn’t want a day without them. My world! 🌎

gamerchick · 15/08/2024 20:51

I would without a moments hesitation. Having lost one of them I'd take even less time deciding.

It's so taboo, wishing you had never had kids. Even ones with SN like mine are but I do.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/08/2024 20:51

MeinKraft · 15/08/2024 19:28

It's tempting to think you'd spend all day every day chilling watching Netflix and shopping and having a lovely time, but would you really be doing that or would you actually be forcing yourself to have sex every day when neither of you really wants to because it's become a chore, pissing on sticks for half the month, or crying after a couple of glasses of wine about how much you want kids? That's the reality of what I did before I got pregnant. Yes there was fun too, but I wanted children and I was lonely without them.

I think that's a really patronising post that assumes secretly we do all actually want children above all things and that those without children are leading crappy lives. I absolutely know that if I hadn't had children I'd have the money, time and headspace to study more, watch more, travel more, possibly actually work more and progress further in a career I love. Relationships could be as serious or as fleeting as I choose without worrying about the impact on anyone else.

Tandora · 15/08/2024 20:54

Foreversad40 · 15/08/2024 20:49

I was on the fence about children, erring on the side of not really wanting them.

I had my baby when I was 37. I love them to bits, they’re so intelligent and funny and at a great age and stage. But I’m not a natural mother. I have a mental health condition that comes with a sleep disorder, I really struggle with the early mornings 7 days a week. I miss being able to rot in bed when I’m depressed. Now when I’m ill I still need to get up and function and take care of another soul when I can’t be arsed taking care of myself. People might think having a focus helps depression but it absolutely doesn’t, it just makes me feel like a crap mother because I’m too emotionally, mentally and physically drained to give my all to my lovely child.

I would wave the wand because I think my beautiful baby deserves better.

You are everything that your beautiful baby wants and needs. You are their mother, that makes you perfect for them. Never forget that xxxx

Surprisedcupcake · 15/08/2024 20:56

No way on earth would I give my daughter up, not a hope

idkbroidk · 15/08/2024 20:58

potatocrates · 15/08/2024 18:13

I’d do it to my DH’s children.

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? those poor children :/ have you told your husband this?

Iceache · 15/08/2024 21:00

Absolutely not. They drive me up the wall at times and I love it just being my husband and me at times but I adore our little foursome. They’re cute and loving and interesting and oh so funny. My life is immeasurably better with them in it!

Original poster
Geriatricmillenial · 15/08/2024 21:02

Flibflobflibflob · 15/08/2024 19:29

Similar here, I don’t have the tools to teach her anything about being a normal person. She’s lucky she’s very bright but both her parents are socially awkward. Both had fucked up childhoods. We are both shit at making friends (like literally no-one wants to be my friend lol). I feel guilty about that a lot. I struggle with the fact that she is the centre of my existence. I have to constantly second guess my instincts because they are all wrong. The burden is making me age rapidly. I am often tired and feel utterly inadequate and overwhelmed. There was a small study on parental regret and it’s was correlated with the number of ACE’s someone had. I think some of us don’t have a blueprint for being a loving parent. I don’t do physical contact very well but I know I would die for her. It’s shit, I love her but struggle to express that love.

The pain also of anything happening to her. I think I like not feeling for anyone too deeply, not caring too much because it’s always been risky for me to be too attached. Your child though, that’s something that will grind you down to the bone and leave you utterly exposed. For some people theres joy in that kind of love for others it’s burden.

Show quote history

This really resonates too. I think deep down I would prefer to keep all people at a comfortable distance as I struggle with trust and vulnerability, but as you say, not possible with children! I do everything for them, with love and care (no need to feel sorry for them - they, and I, know how much they are loved despite my mixed feelings), but feeling utterly depended on makes me feel like I’m drowning, not thriving, in contrast to the positive experience others have described. Thank you for mentioning the study, I will do a search for that.

I’m so fascinated to hear all of your opinions - thanks a lot to all that have contributed so far.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 15/08/2024 21:05

Sunshineandrainbow · 15/08/2024 18:04

Yes now I have had them I can't make them disappear.... But if I had my life again I wouldn't have children which is hard to say. But having been a single parent for 23 years it's so tough rasing kids in a single income house and not just financially I mean emotionally as well.

I hear ya.
Same, single parent etc
. I wouldn't be without her though, nor my beautiful grandchildren. Im very lucky. I adore them all.
I have thought what id have done if i didnt have DD, probably went to uni earlier than i did, earned more earlier, travelled more..etc...but .... It all seems to be materialistic reasons, so no...i wouldnt change a thing.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 15/08/2024 21:06

God no, my kids have been the making of me.

IamJessicaHyde · 15/08/2024 21:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2024 21:09

I'd definitely make different choices but not having them would not be one of the choices I'd make.

MelIy · 15/08/2024 21:13

Life without children isn’t dull.

Pp was clearly talking about her own life, not anybody else's 🙄