Or is this unforgivable?

[AbominablePloughMan]

I’ve been married a year. Knew my husband for 3 years before we married.

Shortly after we married I found out that when we had met, he was still in a relationship. He had checked out of the relationship with the ex, but had kept her on the hook for almost 2 years while looking for something better. 6 months before we met, he had cancelled her visa (it was a partner visa linked to him) and she had been forced to move back to her home country. He told me they were broken up, but in reality they were still speaking every day and she was very much under the impression that he was looking for a job in her country. He continued this relationship for a year after we met until she got fed up and met someone else.

This came so soon after the wedding that I was knocked for 6. My husband convinced me that he had no feelings for her and was only continuing the relationship because she was mentally fragile and suicidal. It was only on the phone and it meant nothing. I agreed to try to get over it. I’m from a conservative culture and had to face a lot of opposition for marrying a white man. I was ashamed of losing face with my community. I’ve posted about this bit before. Now there’s more.

I have now found out that he had been visiting this ex in her home country and been sleeping with her, and attended weddings with her as a couple. I’ve seen messages sexting and wishing each other happy anniversaries months and months after he started dating me. This was all during covid, I wasn’t really keeping track of his movements, he told me he was attending the weddings alone.

In addition, I have also found out that a year before he met me he rekindled a relationship with a previous ex, also while still with the more recent ex. The ex ex agreed to move her work location and come to the UK. She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure). He says he broke up with her before she arrived, but had to let her live in his spare room as she had moved for him and had nowhere else to go (not true, her job would have provided her paid accommodation). Even if it’s true they were broken up while living together, he had cheated on his more recent ex for 2 years with two different girls while stringing her along. He was also in two serious relationships when he met me, and started another relationship with me. He cheated on me for at least one year with at least one girl after we met.

Please be gentle. My head is all over the place and I don’t know what’s real and fake any more. My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative. He can be kind but is also very conflict avoidant and a people pleaser, and can be quite selfish in his decisions, as this clearly shows. Ever since I found out about the more recent ex, he seems to have checked out of our marriage, but says he wants to work on things.

We’ve been married for a year. No kids no joint assets. AIBU in thinking that this is very very wrong? Or have I lost all perspective and it was early in the relationship so I should let it go? What on earth could possibly justify what he did? What could he have been thinking?

Due to family and cultural stuff, I need to think about what I do very carefully. I’m not saying that I agree with the cultural bullshit, just that my family will make life hell for me if I leave, but I may well be in a hellish marriage, so I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place.

This is correct. It was during covid. He insisted on coming to mine mostly (claimed that a ‘colleague’ had to be temporarily accommodated in his flat. I was allowed over at times, presumably when she was away, but the door to the spare room was locked.

Yes, in hindsight all the red flags were there. A friend at the time commented on the locked door, and whether he was a murderer with bodies in there. But I had no reason to believe that he wasn’t being 100% transparent with me.

Thats really not true, that you can’t ever date outside your culture again. That is a choice you think you have to make to keep people sweet but as you get older you will realize its a complete waste of time trying to please people who don’t care (can’t or won’t care) about making you happy.

The question isn’t what you do after you throw this dead fish of a man overboard. You have to do that anyway now that you know he is a sociopath who lies like he breathes. He is simply not safe to be in any kind of relationship with.

The question of how and with whom you date can be left to another stage after you get shed of mr. Plausible lies.

Dont write off all men, or all white men, on the basis of being burned once or twice a lovely person of some identity—even from your own community-is out there somewhere. When you find the right person you can tell your family to get lost.

So many of these responses resonate with what I’ve been feeling in my gut - that he has treated these women abominably, he will not hesitate to treat me the same, he married me because it worked for him at the time, and now that it is no longer working, because I can’t stand him, he will discard and move on. He is looking out only for himself, he is selfish and lacking empathy, he takes no responsibility for his actions and is now playing the victim (they were fragile, I’m full of rage and driving him away). He truly believes he was in the right, and therefore is not capable of change. He has shown no genuine remorse or guilt, he is sorry he has been found out.

My parents will insist I give him another chance, but I think I already did that. Things would have been different even if he had come fully clean then. They will zero in on the fact that he chose me - but I’m convinced that means nothing. As I said, he checked out very soon after the first round of cheating came to light.

Thank you also to those who have validated the fact that my boundaries are shit because I have had nothing but shit from my parents. I’m still coming to terms, through therapy, the extent of the abuse I suffered. Neglect, verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, misogyny. We are well off middle-class, it’s so hard to admit.

I've kept his secret for long enough, but I’ve started to confide in a few. My brother and trusted friends are horrified.

This is utterly painful, but as people have said, I can’t have kids with him, so wanting kids is irrelevant to my next steps.

Thanks for explaining Abominableploughman. You did nothing wrong. As you said you had no reason to believe that he wasn’t being 100% transparent with you at the time. It’s all on him.

The last year has been hell for me. I’ve spent a lot of time convinced that I’m a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. He’s turned it all around on me, saying that he’s checked out because I’ve been constantly angry and on the edge of my tether with him.

We’re all here for you OP. He sounds like a narcissist too. If your parents care about appearance more than the wellbeing of their daughter, they should be ashamed of themselves.
Look at all of the babies that were dragged from the arms of unmarried mothers in the 50s 60s & 70s because of appearances, look at the damage that was done. Please live your life for you, not for people who care more about saving face. Seek any support you can.

Well what does he expect when he's cheated in you with multiple women and lied about it? For you to be happy as Larry?

If I were his wife his balls would no longer be attached to his body so I think you've been remarkably chilled about it.

Time to show him what angry really looks like.

Your relationship isn't failing because of your anger.

You are angry because of what he has done to your relationship.

Keep repeating that to yourself every time he tries to gaslight you into believing this is your fault.

Be your own best friend, what would you tell her to do?

Practice your answers or script for your parents. I am sorry if you think I have let you and the family down, but I cannot stay in this marriage. This is not how I had hoped my marriage would be, nor is this what I would have wanted. We have explored many options including therapy but have reached a point where we have no option but to separate. I hope you will support me, but whatever your wishes are, the decision has been made.

And then.. I can see that you are upset / angry / disappointed, but I do not wish to discuss this anymore.

Too bloody right you've been angry with him. He'd try the patience of a saint!

Keep up with the individual therapy because you said it's helping.

Kick him to the kerb and divorce the arse off him. Remind him of all the terrible ways he described you and you wouldn't want him to put up with that a moment longer.

Tell parents that he died and refuse to discuss further.. No one can complain if you're a widow. Black is sooo slimming, I find. If he ever gets in contact with them, inform him that it's on the cards.

You can't stay with someone who has not respect for you or any other woman, and if your culture says you should stay, then you will have to break with your cultural norms. Plenty of other women have done it, and the freedom you feel will be worth a few nasty comments.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is for the best you have found out now, before you had children with this person or you would never be able to get rid of him! Please don't feel it's your responsibility for not seeing through his lies, as he was clearly well practised by the time he met you and caught you in his web!
From personal experience, I divorced my narcissist first husband and met and married a lovely man and we had two little girls together. I won't tell you it was all sunshine and roses, but it's 33 years later and we're still going strong! (& our "little" girls are 24 and 27!)

Wow! Run and never look back. This man will never stop doing this.

Married a year and no kids. Run.

Have children with this man and they will grow up and become abused (female) or abuser (male).

Sorry to be so blunt but you’re very casual about this. The man you’re with has 0 respect and love for you. Your family and their control over you is an extension of why you chose this horrible man.

Choose life

At least you don't have kids with him and you're not pregnant.

Good luck untangling it all. I hope you meet someone nice and normal after the dust has settled.

(*If you have kids with him then he will be part of your life for as long as you both live, as you would need to share access to the kids after you split up).

Now the facade has been lifted, you will never feel good about this man, op. He may even behave even worse as you’ll have condoned his past behaviour- you ‘knew what you were letting yourself in for by staying with him’. This will only make you feel worse.

Get out now, life is about so much more than a small handful of people who don’t have your best interests at heart- family or not.

there is no point beating yourself up for ‘getting in this mess’ that doesn’t matter now. All that matters is getting out of it and moving on. Good luck.

My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc.

He'd accept that if the roles were reversed, would he?

That would win him over if he found out you'd been seeing & shagging two other men (and still living with one) during your relationship with him.- which you let him believe was exclusive & even covered up your involvement with the other men. And then married him without mentioning it either. Hmm.

I find in cases like those, men have lots of "colourful" vocabulary for describing women, and they rarely rarely stay in exclusive relationships with them.

What people like him are essentially saying is "you are lesser than me, you have less rights than me, I will act how I like and you should be grateful if I choose you as my main partner, I don't have to follow the rules you have to follow, I have more rights and privileges in the relationship than you" etc.

He would never accept a fraction of this from you, I'm guessing.

I don’t know if ‘many men’ doing it makes it ok

Lots of women cheat too.
I know quite a few of them.
I know a couple who've passed off kids as fathered by one man when there was the distinct possibility they were another's.

Does that make it ok if you had done that to him? Just cause quite a lot of women cheat. And some deceive men about the paternity of their kids.

The "lots of people do it" and "there are men doing much worse than me, like rapiing kids"....(Yes, really I heard that from a cheater)....are the default fall-back of shitty, low integrity, narcissistic wastes of space.

You're too good for him. You're not like him.

I’ve spent a lot of time convinced that I’m a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist.

Somebody in your household strikes me as fitting that description.

Not you though.

This man is essentially a double life-r.

Some who is inclined to, and ok with leading a double life. And can compartmentalise to a v high degree.

Staying in a serious relationship with them, let alone having kids with them, is a poor bet indeed.

He’s turned it all around on me, saying that he’s checked out because I’ve been constantly angry and on the edge of my tether with him.

But you weren't angry and at the end of youx tether for the extended time period that he was cheating on you ...... You've only been angry & at the end of your tether since you discovered his cheating and double life-ing. So he still destroyed the relationship.
Cause and effect. He can't be that stupid, can he? (He's not, he's just not big on responsibility (or ethics)).

Your reaction to finding out about his cheating is entirely normal, natural etc. That's not what destroyed the relationship. It's just a reaction to what destroyed the relationship.

He doesn't want to see that because he can't take responsibility for his behaviour and has no empathy; so he thinks someone not accepting him cheating on them & deceiving them (and essentially living a double life) is somehow unreasonable. It's therefore their fault if the relationship breaks down.

As I said, it seems like he sees others as having inferior rights & privileges to him. They're pretty much objects to him. (See also the visa thing).
They don't have the right to fidelity, and they don't have the right to anger, mistrust and lack of investment after discovering infidelity.

I'm interested in whether he would stay and how quickly he'd be back to happy and invested if he was on the receiving end of it. Do you think he'd be there if you'd kept seeing two men behind his back during the earlier years of your relationship and he found out after marrying you?

The fact that he also refers to this being common behaviour among men is significant. That puts a big flag over his core values.

If it's common. - and therefore somehow not that bad - that men cheat and deceive during the early stages of relationships, then perhaps, to him, it's also common - and not that bad - if they cheat when on business trips/lads holidays, or cheat when their wife is pregnant/dealing with the demands of v young kids, or cheat when the sex isn't quite so regular or exciting after a decade, or use 'escorts" etc. etc.
After all, male infidelity is common and "nothing" if they don't actually choose the other women as their life partner.

His mentality just does not seem compatible with a decent exclusive relationship (and I have no doubt he expects his partner to be exclusive).

My parents will insist I give him another chance, but I think I already did that. Things would have been different even if he had come fully clean then. They will zero in on the fact that he chose me - but I’m convinced that means nothing.

Your life is not one to be run by committee. It’s your life. And you don’t have to justify a decision to divorce to anyone. Even without your H’s emotionally abusive behaviour you would have the right to just change your mind, fall out of love and move on. However the fact is that your marriage is abusive, is making you unhappy, and worse destroying your MH and the very self-confidence that you need in order to rescue yourself. And your family’s interference will also chip holes in the lifeboat. If you allow it.

I am very glad you have the support of your brother and close friends.

Not all men behave like this.
You deserve way better op.
Get out asap.
Find someone who deserves you.
Your family will get over it. Promise.

I’m sorry to have to say this and you may love him very much. But he is a manipulative liar with no respect for you. He may couch it as he wanted to protect you or you would judge him. But he took away all your agency and any choice. That’s appalling. He may change in another relationship. Unlikely but possible. He has treated you incredibly badly. For your own sanity he needs to go. It will feel bad now but in a further few years. Just think then. He will probably do the same to you. Meet someone else and keep you hanging on whilst telling the other woman you’re unstable. Really really nasty. Sorry to be harsh. Believe me I know how it feels. I turned a blind eye, lost my marbles and was eventually told to go.

I said you are being unreasonable because you should have left this twat long ago!

The bottom line is, can you trust him? If the answer is no, then you seriously need to be considering whether you can remain in a relationship with no trust.