Or is this unforgivable?

[AbominablePloughMan]

I’ve been married a year. Knew my husband for 3 years before we married.

Shortly after we married I found out that when we had met, he was still in a relationship. He had checked out of the relationship with the ex, but had kept her on the hook for almost 2 years while looking for something better. 6 months before we met, he had cancelled her visa (it was a partner visa linked to him) and she had been forced to move back to her home country. He told me they were broken up, but in reality they were still speaking every day and she was very much under the impression that he was looking for a job in her country. He continued this relationship for a year after we met until she got fed up and met someone else.

This came so soon after the wedding that I was knocked for 6. My husband convinced me that he had no feelings for her and was only continuing the relationship because she was mentally fragile and suicidal. It was only on the phone and it meant nothing. I agreed to try to get over it. I’m from a conservative culture and had to face a lot of opposition for marrying a white man. I was ashamed of losing face with my community. I’ve posted about this bit before. Now there’s more.

I have now found out that he had been visiting this ex in her home country and been sleeping with her, and attended weddings with her as a couple. I’ve seen messages sexting and wishing each other happy anniversaries months and months after he started dating me. This was all during covid, I wasn’t really keeping track of his movements, he told me he was attending the weddings alone.

In addition, I have also found out that a year before he met me he rekindled a relationship with a previous ex, also while still with the more recent ex. The ex ex agreed to move her work location and come to the UK. She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure). He says he broke up with her before she arrived, but had to let her live in his spare room as she had moved for him and had nowhere else to go (not true, her job would have provided her paid accommodation). Even if it’s true they were broken up while living together, he had cheated on his more recent ex for 2 years with two different girls while stringing her along. He was also in two serious relationships when he met me, and started another relationship with me. He cheated on me for at least one year with at least one girl after we met.

Please be gentle. My head is all over the place and I don’t know what’s real and fake any more. My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative. He can be kind but is also very conflict avoidant and a people pleaser, and can be quite selfish in his decisions, as this clearly shows. Ever since I found out about the more recent ex, he seems to have checked out of our marriage, but says he wants to work on things.

We’ve been married for a year. No kids no joint assets. AIBU in thinking that this is very very wrong? Or have I lost all perspective and it was early in the relationship so I should let it go? What on earth could possibly justify what he did? What could he have been thinking?

Due to family and cultural stuff, I need to think about what I do very carefully. I’m not saying that I agree with the cultural bullshit, just that my family will make life hell for me if I leave, but I may well be in a hellish marriage, so I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place.

I'm sorry that you feel between a rock and a hard place. But when you look to the future, staying with him will have far worse ramifications. As a pp said these are not the actions of a normal person, he is a cold cold man and you should be very worried about what he is capable of.

Look, you may be married, but there’s no kids or enmeshed finances - yet.

He had an opportunity to come clean after the first revelation but didn’t. He’s underplayed his “badness” at every turn, so doesn’t accept responsibility.

He cancelled the other woman’s visa - that’s cold - I mean, really cold.

He’s going back and forth to her country attending events as her partner. Is this the kind of place where an unmarried woman can go round with a foreign partner - could he actually be presenting as her husband or even married her over there? (I may be reading too many crime novels - apologies).

he’s making you unhappy and question your grip on what’s genuine, reasonable and doubt your self worth. If this is the case and you don’t trust him please leave now instead of going further into a morass of lies.

I also think him “checking out of the marriage” after you found out is telling - some people can’t cope with falling off their pedestal/being seen without their mask as Mr Marvellous in the eyes of their loved ones; when this happens they can abandon the relationship mentally as they are mo longer being perceived as “perfect”.

Your family should support you, and it will surely be easier for them if there are no children involved and he is the “wrongdoer”. You get one life - you can’t remain unhappy just to satisfy appearances. Good luck xx

I haven’t RTFT but

1. run don’t walk
2. please book yourself in for an STI check if you’ve been sleeping with this man.

You want kids. You know you can't bring kids into this mess, it would not be fair. So you also know deep down this marriage has to end.
You do not need to end your marriage immediately. You can take the time to plan and get things in order before you say anything to him. Is there anyone you know who could be there to support you and help you plan to leave?

Sign him up for 90 Day Fiance Uk. What a creep.

I recall my husband saying to me after I had found out about his womanising - you won, I chose you!!!

To this day I don’t know how I managed to say to him (I was heartbroken) - the only thing I won was the booby prize.

I was crying, I thought I’d die I was so sad after our then 36 years together but when I said it to him I started laughing. I must have been like a mad woman, laughing, crying, snots tripping me, the whole shebang. But at that moment I knew I’d hit the nail right on the head.

Op, don’t ever settle for the booby prize even❤️

I hear you and I’m sorry you feel this way but let’s just switch the energy now and think positively. You had enough BS! Think that you are lucky to find this out now while you don’t have any children or assets together. Much easier to escape this situation. As for the cultural aspect, I understand (I’m in one myself too) but at the end you do your life. Your family loves you and eventually will get over it and be by your side, if not, they might not deserve to be by your side then. Don’t let anyone disrespect you, nor partner, family or random people. You do you, don’t let this situation change your perspective about one race or relationship in general. You seem like a sweet person and you deserve to be loved the way you love. Enjoy some “you” time now and everything will go to its place. What sometimes looks like the worse thing is actually the best. Maybe there is a trip waiting for you, new friends or the real prince! So be ready, the best is yet to come. Be strong!

My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative. He can be kind but is also very conflict avoidant and a people pleaser, and can be quite selfish in his decisions, as this clearly shows. Ever since I found out about the more recent ex, he seems to have checked out of our marriage, but says he wants to work on things.

Well of course he's said that, he might even think on some level that it's true but men like this are rarely honest with themselves, let alone anyone else, because that would mean opening themselves up to shame and regret and they don't tolerate those feelings.

Let his actions, not words be your guide. He "chose" you, but for how long? His choices are clearly temporary and arbitrary.

He seems to have checked out because to remain committed to you & your relationship would mean to take responsibility not just for his past actions, but for his present & future actions. This he will not do. Nothing is his fault. He doesn't do shame, regret or guilt. He does his way or no way.

You've already noticed this: that he has now started stringing you along, too. If you don't end it, he will keep stringing you along until he finds someone else to manipulate, who won't attempt to make him be accountable for himself.

Do you have good friends around you, @AbominablePloughMan ? Now is the time to rely on them rather than the family you didn't choose.

When your family berate you, hold your head high & remember: it's their ignorance not yours.

You are not stupid, or naive op. You fell in love and didn't rush things...3 years you gave to him before marriage. Your family's barbs don't matter, have confidence in your own independence and inner strength, in your ability to do what is right for yourself. Your family will clearly find reason to criticise you whatever you do and they'll find out about him eventually. Better to cut your losses now rather than wait until their insults have a decade to gather strength to wound.

When we free ourselves from a poisonous relationship (a marriage in your case), we discover strength & resilience we didn't know we had. It's shit and then it's over and we build a new, better, healthier life for ourselves.

Let your family sneer, dump this awful man who has deceived you before he can cause you more pain. You'll come through it and as you, you will find the strength to distance yourself from your family's nastiness, too.

A new life awaits you, you know it does. ❤️

My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative.

This is key. Of course it isn’t nothing, he was cheating on you and at least 2 other women. AND he is not taking responsibility. He has not said “I am so sorry, I lied, I betrayed you, I have caused you hurt and upset and betrayed your trust “, he has instead attempted to gaslight you into believing you are wrong for over reacting.

So you are caught between him blaming yiu, and your parents blaming you.

Gaslighting undermines your confidence in yourself.

This is what I would advise:
Put yourself in a position where you are not reliant on support from either your cheating lying H OR your family. Get a therapist. Hurl yourself into your job and do all you can to get promotion and increased salary. Strengthen friendships, find one or two RL friends to confide in and tell them you need their help and support.

Divorce your H.

Have a range of responses prepared for your family. “I have done nothing wrong, I was lied to” “yes, you did warn me, and you were right. I now need support not blame” “yes you did warn me, as it happens you were right. But let’s be clear here: it is his behaviour that has destroyed our marriage, not his colour”

I have had some extended family contact with The family / cultural expectations you describe, and it was all right in the end. The comments won’t last as long as the way you wil feel if you stay in this marriage.

And actually, you have little choice. If he has checked out, call the shots before he does. Take control.

You will have much to congratulate yourself on no matter what anyone else thinks.

Good luck OP.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds very difficult and must be extremely upsetting. If you stay with him, I think you are essentially giving him permission to carry on with this sort of behaviour for the rest of your relationship. It also would not surprise me if there are more revelations to come. Yes it will be a challenge to deal with the family fallout because of the cultural expectations but surely they will want you to lead a happy and uncomplicated life away from this man who basically has no respect and consideration for you.

Just pack your bags and leave
He sounds untrustworthy.a liar and manipulative
You'll never get the real truth out of him ever
We get one life leave and start over again and be happy

I'm not sure what YABU/YANBU mean in this context, but would strongly advise you to leave this man as he's playing you, like he seems to be playing every woman he meets. At best, he's a cheating lowlife twat. At worst, there's some kind of con involved. Either way, get out while you have your sanity intact. This won't end well for you.

I would not stay in a marriage with a man who had treated me so despicably, @AbominablePloughMan - you would be far, far better off without him.

And you are absolutely right - his behaviour is unforgiveable.

I am really sorry OP, awful behaviour by him.

I am a bit confused when you write - ‘She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure).’. Are you saying you didn’t know he was living for 6 months with his ex ex whilst he was in a relationship with you? Did you not visit him at his home during that time?

Completely unforgivable. Even before bringing the ex ex stuff in. Simply no way you can trust a man who has done these things.

My goodness 😱. This marriage can only get much worse.

OP, you can still meet someone new and have kids.

I was your age, 32, when I met my husband.

I'm now 37 with 3 young kids.

Hit the nail on the head here!

I understand about cultural, and also religious, pressure. I was in the same place. I know it will be hard but you know what you need to do. For your sake, and for any future children you may wish to have.

Sorry OP, how awful for you.
Logically, everything he is saying to you he is likely to be saying/have said to the other women. Lying about your existence, excusing your relationship as merely cohabiting because you need somewhere to live. Telling them he was forced into marrying you, he doesn’t love you, it means nothing. You deserve more than this. You know it’s unforgivable. I’m sorry your family are not supportive. I don’t think that’s a reason to stay though. You deserve more and you will find it 💐

Yeah the whole cancelling the visa (without her knowledge?) and then continuing the relationship afterwards is really beyond. Cheating is pretty normal and there are loads of people who can't really manage monogamy for whatever reason, yes it's a sign of weakness/poor character but it is also pretty normal and potentially forgivable depending on the circumstances. But I don't know anyone who has used a bureaucratic advantage to have their partner thrown out of the country. And then carried on seeing her afterwards! He's really dangerous, seriously abusive. Is he a surgeon or something? I would be concerned that he is an actual psychopath who is missing an empathy chip. You definitely don't know the whole story and probably never will. I would run. And do a police check.

There's no way you can have kids with him and the fact you haven't is really an enormous blessing. I met my partner at 34 and now at 39 have two beautiful kids

And then I close the door to marrying/dating outside my culture ever again.

I can’t date within my culture, the misogyny is too prevalent, the likelihood of marrying a chauvinist mummy’s boy is just too high. Tbh, what I ended up with was probably worse than anything men of my background could have thrown at me.

OP if you have a narc mother and enabling father it’s little wonder you’ve fallen for someone like this. This is not your fault, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have any support IRL?

OP, your parents can't actually physically prevent you from marrying someone from a different culture, can they. So what if 5 years down the line they tell you "remember what happened last time?". It's not actually any different from what they've been telling you in the last three years.
The main issue with problematic aspects of any culture is that they are self-perpetuating. Kids are afraid to do things because they fear the conflict and suddenly we are finding ourselves caught in the same cycle of bigotry as our parents and passing the same to the next generation.
In reality, though, what they say is of no consequence to you. They are entitled to their opinion. You just need to say the right things to appease them for your own sanity.
What's the alternative anyway? To stick with a man that's not right for you just so that they are a little less angry than what they otherwise would be? For what? Hoping that they will change their mind? They never will. In the meantime you are stuck between the rock and the hard place.

The ex is American, the ex ex is European, I’m British (but obviously ethnically not so). As far as I can tell, highly educated, high achieving women, but possibly with poor boundaries, as am I. The other two never found out about the cheating and stringing along.