Or is this unforgivable?

[AbominablePloughMan]

I’ve been married a year. Knew my husband for 3 years before we married.

Shortly after we married I found out that when we had met, he was still in a relationship. He had checked out of the relationship with the ex, but had kept her on the hook for almost 2 years while looking for something better. 6 months before we met, he had cancelled her visa (it was a partner visa linked to him) and she had been forced to move back to her home country. He told me they were broken up, but in reality they were still speaking every day and she was very much under the impression that he was looking for a job in her country. He continued this relationship for a year after we met until she got fed up and met someone else.

This came so soon after the wedding that I was knocked for 6. My husband convinced me that he had no feelings for her and was only continuing the relationship because she was mentally fragile and suicidal. It was only on the phone and it meant nothing. I agreed to try to get over it. I’m from a conservative culture and had to face a lot of opposition for marrying a white man. I was ashamed of losing face with my community. I’ve posted about this bit before. Now there’s more.

I have now found out that he had been visiting this ex in her home country and been sleeping with her, and attended weddings with her as a couple. I’ve seen messages sexting and wishing each other happy anniversaries months and months after he started dating me. This was all during covid, I wasn’t really keeping track of his movements, he told me he was attending the weddings alone.

In addition, I have also found out that a year before he met me he rekindled a relationship with a previous ex, also while still with the more recent ex. The ex ex agreed to move her work location and come to the UK. She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure). He says he broke up with her before she arrived, but had to let her live in his spare room as she had moved for him and had nowhere else to go (not true, her job would have provided her paid accommodation). Even if it’s true they were broken up while living together, he had cheated on his more recent ex for 2 years with two different girls while stringing her along. He was also in two serious relationships when he met me, and started another relationship with me. He cheated on me for at least one year with at least one girl after we met.

Please be gentle. My head is all over the place and I don’t know what’s real and fake any more. My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative. He can be kind but is also very conflict avoidant and a people pleaser, and can be quite selfish in his decisions, as this clearly shows. Ever since I found out about the more recent ex, he seems to have checked out of our marriage, but says he wants to work on things.

We’ve been married for a year. No kids no joint assets. AIBU in thinking that this is very very wrong? Or have I lost all perspective and it was early in the relationship so I should let it go? What on earth could possibly justify what he did? What could he have been thinking?

Due to family and cultural stuff, I need to think about what I do very carefully. I’m not saying that I agree with the cultural bullshit, just that my family will make life hell for me if I leave, but I may well be in a hellish marriage, so I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place.

I wonder how much your parents have affected your ability to recognise good and healthy relationships? You may have missed numerous red flags with this man because you didn't have family support. Don't expect him to change - his response to your discoveries has been to lie, minimise and distance himself when he should be showing he is sorry and committed to your marriage. Good people don't behave like him, you wouldn't behave like him. He wouldn't accept you dating a couple of other men while you work out if he is the best option for you.

Like most of us, you deserve better. And you can find better if you want to.

No not my life. Just a lot of ‘I told you sos’ and ‘you’ve made your beds’ etc. but in a quite nasty, dehumanising way.

I'd imagine no one would go into this type of relationship knowing the full facts, let alone get married so hard as it may be just ignore the "I told you so's".

As for making your bed, yes you did make your bed but have now realised that the bed you made wasn't exactly how/what you'd thought you'd made so as of now you'll be unmaking it and getting rid of the old 'bedding'.

You married a professional liar and cheat
You did not know this BECAUSE he is a professional liar and cheat.
(how can you tell when he is lying to you? - he has his mouth open)
He was not keeping things going because he couldn't hurt them. He was keeping things going because he thinks he's a dog with two dicks and is ultimately selfish. He is LYING that he did not want to hurt them. Stringing people along and cheating on them hurts them.

This is all so shocking for you. Sorry you are going through this.

I'd suggest you rip the sticking plaster off
Get rid of him, and tell your folks right now.
You are reeling at what he's done, so anything your parents do will not be so intense - it's a good day to hide bad news, as the saying goes.
Speaking from experience, you can only absorb so much stress/pain at one time, so telling your folks now will mean you cannot absorb anything they throw at you, it will just float over your head. And if it's that bad you can reduce contact.

You're in the bad bit right now. Get all of the bad bit over in one go.

Keep going to therapy. Put yourself at the centre of your life, fill it with self love. Spend time with people who build you up and flounce in and out of the lives of people who tear you down. You are enough, you deserve a lovely life.

If there is time and space for children, that will happen but you should not sacrifce your self respect, self esteem and contentment for children who don't yet exist.

I think you need to forget about “family and cultural stuff” , hard though this is, and remember that this is your life, for maybe the next half a century. You deserve to be loved and to love someone honest , who cares more about you and your happiness than how many women he can fool into getting into his bed.

People who love you will understand your pain and support you as you take the next steps to separate yourself from this revolting man who doesn’t understand what love is and only thinks about himself and what is between his legs. And unfortunately the first step is to get yourself tested for STD, unpleasant though the thought is he could be actively infecting you and his other women. Once you are sure you are clear then it is time to move on.

The men worth being with absolutely do not behave like this. Your standards are too low.

This guy will not change so don't have his kids. Run for the hills, and don't look back.

OP, I don’t think there is any way back from this. You will likely make yourself ill trying to forgive him and live like this. I understand that it may be culturally difficult to divorce him, but your family will likely come round and even if they don’t, it really won’t be worth staying with him for. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

End it with this dirty dog of a man.
Be honest with everyone in your life that you made a mistake with this one man.
smile when they tell u they knew u made a mistake.

Be kind to family & move on. Pride is garbage emotion in this situation.

I can accept that people make mistakes - but there are an awful lot here that he hadn’t learned from.
He is clearly hardwired to be deceptive and I can’t imagine spending the next 70 years wondering whether I am being lied to. Ditch this waste of space, I am certain you deserve so much better.

Unforgivable.

Enhance your life and dump.

He hasn’t chosen you though has he ? He’s kept his options open throughout, and given the shitty behaviour you have no guarantee that at some point he won’t be keeping you on the hook in the same way, while he looks for another ‘something better’. I’d dump him so fast his feet wouldn’t touch.

Your family say “I told you so” you say, yes you were right.

Everything else they say, don’t bother arguing as you know it will get you nowhere. Just agree with them. After a while they’ll get fed up if they get no emotional reaction from you.

Once you’ve dealt with him, then carry on with the therapy to deal with them.

Dusty has it. This guy can’t be trusted, he’s also cruel and a liar. I’m really sorry op, but you need to get rid and move on - you will never be able to relax, trust and be happy with someone like this.

What a horrible, selfish man.

Your whole relationship is based on a lie. You married a lie. This is a man who thinks other people are just side characters in his life. He will always manipulate people and situations for his benefit. You won't ever be able to trust him because he doesn't believe other people's needs matter. You just know as soon as your use to him lessens, he will go find other people to please him. And he won't tell you because your right to the truth isn't important. I couldn't live like that. It's a relief that you don't have children with him. It makes leaving so much easier. Don't let your fear of "I told you so" keep you down.

It's sounds OP like you moved from a narcissist mother to a narcissist OH - pretending to be lovely and pretending to do things for other people's benefit, never to blame for anything, needing constant attention from as many sources as possible, lies as easily as breathing, gas lights you till you have no idea what's true and what's not - your OH is ticking a few boxes don't you think?

Unfortunately I don't think it's that unusual when you've had a narcissist for a parent. Of course you need leave, you need to put yourself first and not any of these people who will suck the life out of you.

Exactly this. I'd be out of there now, however.

OP, you said your mum may be a narcissist and father enabler. You were in a bad position in terms of seeing red flags, you trusted the wrong man just like you have trusted your mother before.

The truth about him is painful, but it will become less painful the moment you’re rid of him, and can breathe a sigh of relief, despite your parents’ abuse. Reduce contact with them while they’re hurting you.

I agree with what others have said . I don't think you should waste any more of your time with your H . You don't have kids so you need to get out now .

I don't think you should be swayed by the fact that he chose you and married you over the others - this must have suited him at the time .

This is not just one woman but multiple women he has cheated on you with but also acted despicably and cruelly towards them . This is not a decent man .

If he has cheated previously statistically he will likely do so . I think also it is very telling that he did not engage with the joint counselling for you .

I know it will be difficult with your family but at least you will have made the break with him and have a better future . If you stay with him he will only continue to cheat and treat you badly . As you will also have shown him that he can do so .

You can't change the past and any decisions that you made then . You did so with the right intentions as you were obviously in love with him and believed the version of himself that he presented to you. You now know that this was a facade .

You can and need to change your present and future to find a decent person to have a family with ( if that's what you want ) .

You can't change his character . This is not a "blip" but someone who is able to deceive and cheat continuously .
Take care .

He chose to marry you without your full informed consent. As he knew if you knew, you wouldn't have done it. That's an absolutely unforgiveable abuse, frankly.

He thought so little of you, he was happy to carry on with other woman behind your back, exposing you to diseases, so he could take his sweet time deciding which women he deigned as worthy of his commitment and fidelity.

He does not love or respect you, and staying will only fuel this. We teach others how to treat us. If now you know about this you choose to stay, he will absolutely 100% cheat again and again, knowing you have no self respect or backbone and knowing you believe your are worthy of such a despicable partner.

Family... well, family who love you will want what's best for you. If they use this as an excuse to lay into you with 'I told you so' then they aren't worth your time, and you should distance yourself. No decent loving person would respond to a loved one's trauma and heartache with 'I told you so!', don't fall into the silly trap of excusing this because of 'culture' without recognising the generational trauma, control, and bitterness that can be woven into one's culture.

If your family would rather you remain with a cheat, unhappy, for the rest of your life, potentially lumbering your kids with this man as a father? Then they're not family. They are related to you but certainly not people who love you and want the best for you.

It's easy and more palatable to pretend this was a mistake, because it ignores the fact that he made an active informed decision again and again and again to betray your trust and deny you knowledge you deserved to make decisions about your life.

This man is a monster and it may take some time to acknowledge that he isn't the sweet loving husband you thought you were getting, but the sooner you do the better off you'll be and the faster you can move on with your life.

"I know I will be blamed for this no matter what he has done"

Who has conditioned you this way OP?

Who has led you to believe that when someone else commits a wrongdoing, it is your fault? That you're to blame?

If someone else does try blame you, what does that matter when you know you didn't cause this, and couldn't have prevented it?

Are you willing to sit and listen to someone use this opportunity while you're hurt to stick the knife in and twist it, or do you have enough self-respect not to tolerate it?

Are you in an environment where no matter what goes wrong, it's always your fault? That's emotional abuse, and you don't deserve it.

You’re not being irrational. Those things are unacceptable.

I would say leave him, and tell your family factually and unemotionally, say that you will not be entering into any dialogue about your naivety or anything similar and if anyone tries, you will leave the room/ end the call etc. Then stick to that rigidly.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I hope the future is kinder.

If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, pick what YOU want, not everyone else

Do you really want a man you can never trust?

Option 1: Stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust, allow your confidence and mental health to erode, start a family and trap yourself to him forever.

Option 2: Free yourself from this man, preserve your mental health and give youself a chance at happiness with someone who deserves you

The family apsect shouldn't feature. They will be disappointed if you leave but they are disappointed with your choice on man anyway, so either way you can't win in their eyes.

There's clearly only one option