Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

Indeed I am. But her friend who knows her husband and DSD said OP should trust her gut feeling. Her friend knows the people involved and has not dismissed the OPs feeling that this is inappropriate behaviour.

https://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/jul/13/daughter-too-old-to-sit-on-dads-lap/

The advice is it is too old and inappropriate.

The next time she mentions that she needs a alone time with her dad say you understand as you need alone time with your partner.

@Abigail47
You may be academically intelligent but your emotional intelligence needs some working on.

#Thingsthatneverhappened

@Abigail47 Goodness me, you have added nothing useful to this thread at all. OP wouldn't be asking for advice and taking different perspectives on board if she didn't care. You clearly have had a bad experience which has blinkered you.

I was like this with my Opa until he died when I was 21.

I had been sexually abused by my father and brother. My opa was my one safe man.

I've never actually admitted that before.

Did you sit on your dad’s lap at 19 too?! 🙄

What would concern me is where you say that when her Dad is NOT available for her to cling to/ring multiple times a day, she appears more mature, more able to make decisions and act her age etc..

So, if you genuinely think that, by him allowing this (and he is the adult and the parent and should be leading things...) and perhaps treating her as younger than she really is, he is preventing her from maturing and becoming a capable adult... then I would say something.

Or ideally, I'd try to find someone else to point it out 'hey, you know that is a bit weird, your daughter is not 8 anymore...yet...' as it's likely to be better coming from someone else - or at least, better not coming from you anyway.

It is likely he is feeling a bit awkward about it but doesn't know how to change things without upsetting her (I mean, how would you do that, ugh!) and so he's sticking his head in the sand a bit (a lot).

I agree with the PP that 19 is when you're taking that scary leap into being a proper adult... and will want to cling to the last remnants of being a child, someone who is very obviously cared for and physically protected by a parent...

But I suspect also he may be struggling with accepting that she is now an adult not actually 'his little girl' any more. If he keeps the cuddles and the calls and the hand holding going... then she's not all grown up, it's all OK.

Maybe there are other things at play.

Op clearly feels uncomfortable with their closeness, analysing ones feelings is difficult if you feel there could be negative feelings involved such as jealousy and insecurity.
Op has been with her father for five years now and within that five years the SD has become a woman, maybe op's relationship is also entering a different stage, one of feeling a little more neglected by her partner and that could trigger feelings of jealousy with a daughter who has unconditional love from her father.

Also the financial aspect does come into play, it cannot be ignored.

Mix in with that the dynamics of a blended family, there will always be a feeling of sides, you and the boys against him and his daughter, it's unavoidable.

What is your relationship like, is he still attentitive of you, or could there be a possiblity of triangulating going on, your partner playing both of you off. Maybe hearing more opposing views is going to help op rather than being on a step parenting board that is like an echo chamber of support.

It must be so difficult with step families on both sides, the children, the adults to be truly fair, I've never been on the step parenting board but is there a step children board which equals out these questions ?
I suppose your daughter is clinging to the safety of her father, completely understandable in the circumstances and I think if it wasn't for your judgement about her effervesence with her father most people on here would feel truly sorry for her.

This response is very odd. Surely you must think he has alot of dad guilt for the family break up and he's not going to push her away now. As you've stated she's emotionally immature- he obviously still sees her as his baby girl.

Some people have very close relationships (I'm not one of those and could barely hug my parents though I loved them) but especially with more upper class people, you see that some are very close- calling them mummy / daddy, sitting on laps, kissing lips etc.

Look at david beckham and harper - people moan all the time about their closeness- it's nothing odd. They purely just have the same boundaries as many years ago and very much an innocence .

Exactly the same situation with my daughter.

This is rubbish.

My parents split and I wasn’t inappropriately touchy feely with my dad, nor territorial over his time with new partners.

Same with me too - my 18 year old daughter also with adhd is as described and would also love a cuddle on my lap but I push her off as too heavy. Children can have spikey brain profile ie part of brain not fully developed and can be a bit emotionally immature. If it was mostly just the two of them before you came along have an intense relationship

14 is a very informative age for a child - smack in the middle of puberty - so it’s not surprising the your DSD has clung to her father all these years. Some of her most informative years were riddled with divorce and new partners for her father and mother - her father was her constant during that time. And now, UG years are very challenging - lots of children suffer and cling more to their parents. It’s really not unusual. So she’s, again, looking for comfort and security from her father.

I think the question to ask yourself is; if it was her mum she behaved like this with, would you have an issue? Because if the answer is no, then I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

But even if you DID have an issue if it was with her mum, it doesn’t give you the right to judge - which is slightly how you’ve come across here.

Is everyone on this thread drunk? 🥴

I agree ... but weird tbh from the post that was said it seems odd how close they are no wounder you think it's weird because you're right . Like this post says go with your gut xx

@Josette77 - I noticed that nobody has commented on your post yet. This sounds very hard for you. I am so pleased that you had safety in your relationship with your Opa and hope that life has turned out well for you.

I wonder if she sits on his lap and holds hands in public when you're not present? Maybe this cuddling and lap sitting is just part of behaviour like:

She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad'