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Original poster

Partner too close to teen daughter?

343 replies

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 22:19

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
XChrome · 15/08/2024 01:01

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:52

No it's not.

You completely show your own ignorance.

Incel means "someone who is involuntarily celibate".

That is exactly where that word came from . It's to do with sex. You should know it before you use it.

And how can I be misogynistic when I'm a woman. Fuck sake. There are the most idiotic posts on here

Edited
Show quote history

Do I really have to resort to this?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel

www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-44053828

Boom. You're wrong, as usual.

Google "internalized misogyny." Educate yourself FFS.

Incel - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:01

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I'll go and sit under my bridge , if you go and educate yourself with what the word incel actually means and where it came from, before you use it incorrectly again

mrsdineen2 · 15/08/2024 01:03

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Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 01:04

MoosakaWithFries · 15/08/2024 00:57

@VivienneBMama The advice you'll get over there will be more helpful and constructive I'm sure.

Blended families are extremely difficult and and at times you feel really isolated when experiencing issues. There's nothing more frustrating than posters passing comments and blame when they haven't experienced the trauma of family breakdown.

You'll get posters with lived experience - I've found it helpful in the past.

Thank you . I will . I genuinely want to get it right so thank you .

OP posts:
Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 01:05

Thedogscollar · 15/08/2024 00:57

@VivienneBMama You sound lovely. Ignore the small bunch of posters on here projecting their own issues on this thread..
You have had some good advice on here which you can use.
I completely see where you are coming from.

@Thedogscollar thank you. I definitely will and it’s been good food for thought if I scramble through the chaos! x

OP posts:
Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:06

XChrome · 15/08/2024 01:02

Show quote history

You're bizarre. Youre so wrong.

And The article that you just posted proved what I said!

Did you even read the article that you posted there?

Here is a phrase from the article that you posted

"The incel – or “involuntarily celibate” – movement is an online subculture in which a misogynistic worldview is promoted by individuals who blame women for their lack of sexual activity."

I'll say to you YET AGAIN

The word incel means involuntary celibate. And it is a term for men who blame women for their lack of sexual activity.

You're utterly bizarre. You've no idea even what the phrase means.

mumedu · 15/08/2024 01:06

The lap thing is just not on. It's weird.

mrsdineen2 · 15/08/2024 01:08

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Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:09

XChrome · 15/08/2024 01:02

Show quote history

I can't believe you wrote "snicker" on that , when the article you posted shows exactly word for word,what I said.

The article says " incel "means involuntarily celibate. And he term refers to men who blame women for their lack of sexual activity.

So the term incel refers to a man who has not had sex.

You can't say the insult "Incel" to me (im a woman who has had sex)

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:10

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Yes

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 01:10

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:37

This is so interesting and useful thank you. I’m glad to know that even birth mothers can feel this. Her mother has actually commented before they she feels left out of their relationship (not to me but to DSD) so it’s definitely a thing.

Show quote history

The mother feeling left out simply reinforces that their relationship is inappropriate.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 01:11

WaspyWoman · 15/08/2024 01:00

Sounds like she’s been suffering from the emotional and physical abandonment, and therefore the perceived rejection by her mother as you mention she works mad hours (was she around much when DSD was little or did Dad do most of the parenting?) and is not around now and has a new family. She is clinging to her Dad for reassurance, probably a bit of arrested development there from the emotional trauma if her Mum was distant and not emotionally engaged. Reverts to child like mode with him and hasn’t developed the distance that most DC do from their parents from about age 10 onwards.

She sees him as her safe space which you’ve encroached on (obviously no fault on your part!), and she’s seeking reassurance through physical displays that her Dad’s still ‘hers’. The time away at Uni may be intensifying that as you said they were living together, just the two of them before he moved in with you and his new family (your DC) which will have had a big impact on her feelings of security in their relationship after possibly not feeling her Mum was there for her.

TBH I don’t really think it’s your place to dictate how their relationship is conducted and whether it meets your definition of normal. The phone calls are not that abnormal as she probably needs extra support while away from home and things may just occur to her. My DD often calls me that many times a day and she’s mid 20’s and only lives 5 minutes away.

I would probably have brought up the sitting in the lap and holding hands privately shortly after it occurred just questioning the appropriateness of it, and saying it makes you feel uncomfortable and seeing what he said. Hopefully he won’t want to push her away and has probably avoided doing that and doesn’t see it as a problem. It’s difficult though as she obviously feels comfortable doing it and doesn’t see it as a problem either.

I think you’re focussing on the ‘healthiness’ of it from a sexualised and incestuous angle, which it doesn’t sound like it is and it’s healthy to them. I doubt she’ll be sitting on his lap in her 30s.

Thank you for the perspective and consideration of the post and our family.
I don’t want to speak out of turn and I am trying to check myself. Thank you for the advice .

OP posts:
FlyLice · 15/08/2024 01:11

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Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:14

Wait a minute. Something doesn't add up.

The OP said in one post that the teenage girl's birth mother feels left out.

Then the OP said in a different post that the teenage girl's birth mother pretty much abandoned her

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 01:14

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Ok that’s weird . Try to take it at face value. I have literally nothing to gain posting on here for advice and support for myself and for her.
I can’t prove to you my love for her nor can I be bothered but thanks though.

OP posts:
Nadeed · 15/08/2024 01:15

OP your gut feeling is correct. This is not appropriate. Just ask yourself how many 19 year olds have you ever seen sitting on their fathers knee or holding his hand in public? You don't.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 01:25

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:14

Wait a minute. Something doesn't add up.

The OP said in one post that the teenage girl's birth mother feels left out.

Then the OP said in a different post that the teenage girl's birth mother pretty much abandoned her

Abigail are you ok? Honestly . Why are you trying to insinuate weird things.

The mother has felt left out previously - most likely because she worked away a lot and was very absent from her daughter’s life- so yes abandoning her daughter very much practically and emotionally too. The two aren’t mutually exclusive - infant they are connected.

thanks again though for the comment

OP posts:
mrsdineen2 · 15/08/2024 01:27

"Honestly . Why are you trying to insinuate weird things."

Considering the topic of your post, this is funniest thing I've read on here in a few days.

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:32

mrsdineen2 · 15/08/2024 01:27

"Honestly . Why are you trying to insinuate weird things."

Considering the topic of your post, this is funniest thing I've read on here in a few days.

Exactly! You couldn't make it up

She said to me "why are you trying to insinuate weird things.

When she herself "insinuated weird things" between her partner and stepdaughter.

I think the father and daughter sound like they have a nice bond.

And it's just the stepmum who is "insinuating weird things"

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 01:32

OP some on this thread are trying to make you doubt your own gut feelings. Your friend who knows these people also said to trust your own gut feelings. This counts for way more than the opinions of strangers on the internet, some of whom have their own agenda.

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:33

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 01:32

OP some on this thread are trying to make you doubt your own gut feelings. Your friend who knows these people also said to trust your own gut feelings. This counts for way more than the opinions of strangers on the internet, some of whom have their own agenda.

But aren't you also "a stranger on the internet"

To the OP
?

Thedogscollar · 15/08/2024 01:34

@Abigail47 @FlyLice @mrsdineen2 Can you all just give it a rest. Your comments are neither helpful or remotely interesting.
You obviously have your own agendas.
The majority of us aren't interested.
Turn it in.

XChrome · 15/08/2024 01:36

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Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 01:38

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 01:32

Exactly! You couldn't make it up

She said to me "why are you trying to insinuate weird things.

When she herself "insinuated weird things" between her partner and stepdaughter.

I think the father and daughter sound like they have a nice bond.

And it's just the stepmum who is "insinuating weird things"

Show quote history

Ok my mistake not insulating weird things just insulating completely irrelevant things, ignoring any common sense or helpful answers .

I think you clearly have lots of trauma and I’m sorry but please don’t bring it to me when I’m asking for help. It’s mean.

OP posts: