Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

She needs a boyfriend… all that would drive me nuts
you must be very patient

Thank you , this is really useful and exactly why I came on here but not all posts are very helpful . This is real family love and dynamics and I want to do the right thing for all five of us. I will give it more time and if anything subtly try and suggest her being more confident in her decision making as she’s super bright and capable.

Incels of course famously post online to defend the right of young woman to have a loving relationship with her parents, isn't that right?

@Abigail47 you are 40 and still behave this way? 😬

This is definitely odd behaviour and a lack of boundaries. I'd struggle to watch this behaviour.

Head over to the step parenting board OP where you will find a more understanding crowd providing you with support and realistic perspectives.

Good luck OP.

Thank you. I hadn’t realised there was such a thing, I will do . The post has descended into chaos which is a shame as there’s some useful stuff too. Its so hard , this is my family and I love them all and want to protect everyone .

Oh that's what you think that poster was doing? Smh.

No it's not.

You completely show your own ignorance.

Incel means "someone who is involuntarily celibate".

That is exactly where that word came from . It's to do with sex. You should know it before you use it.

And how can I be misogynistic when I'm a woman. Fuck sake. There are the most idiotic posts on here

What did your dh say when someone mistook his dd for his gf

She definitely makes more sense than you do. That's for sure

You are just trolling though. You say I’m spiteful how?

Actually don’t bother answering , some of the posters have thought I am wrong but have been helpful and offered advice .

Sorry you clearly have lots of trauma but taking it out on someone asking for advice is just mean.

He seemed really embarrassed but we all kind of laughed it off , felt mortified but I can’t really place why . I didn’t want DSD to feel weird when someone said it. My brother heard and thought it was all really weird.

@VivienneBMama You sound lovely. Ignore the small bunch of posters on here projecting their own issues on this thread..
You have had some good advice on here which you can use.
I completely see where you are coming from.

@VivienneBMama The advice you'll get over there will be more helpful and constructive I'm sure.

Blended families are extremely difficult and and at times you feel really isolated when experiencing issues. There's nothing more frustrating than posters passing comments and blame when they haven't experienced the trauma of family breakdown.

You'll get posters with lived experience - I've found it helpful in the past.

Do you want me to "get some help" right now?

Because I'm sitting on my bed.

I'm a bit too tired to walk to a therapists office

Sounds like she’s been suffering from the emotional and physical abandonment, and therefore the perceived rejection by her mother as you mention she works mad hours (was she around much when DSD was little or did Dad do most of the parenting?) and is not around now and has a new family. She is clinging to her Dad for reassurance, probably a bit of arrested development there from the emotional trauma if her Mum was distant and not emotionally engaged. Reverts to child like mode with him and hasn’t developed the distance that most DC do from their parents from about age 10 onwards.

She sees him as her safe space which you’ve encroached on (obviously no fault on your part!), and she’s seeking reassurance through physical displays that her Dad’s still ‘hers’. The time away at Uni may be intensifying that as you said they were living together, just the two of them before he moved in with you and his new family (your DC) which will have had a big impact on her feelings of security in their relationship after possibly not feeling her Mum was there for her.

TBH I don’t really think it’s your place to dictate how their relationship is conducted and whether it meets your definition of normal. The phone calls are not that abnormal as she probably needs extra support while away from home and things may just occur to her. My DD often calls me that many times a day and she’s mid 20’s and only lives 5 minutes away.

I would probably have brought up the sitting in the lap and holding hands privately shortly after it occurred just questioning the appropriateness of it, and saying it makes you feel uncomfortable and seeing what he said. Hopefully he won’t want to push her away and has probably avoided doing that and doesn’t see it as a problem. It’s difficult though as she obviously feels comfortable doing it and doesn’t see it as a problem either.

I think you’re focussing on the ‘healthiness’ of it from a sexualised and incestuous angle, which it doesn’t sound like it is and it’s healthy to them. I doubt she’ll be sitting on his lap in her 30s.