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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner too close to teen daughter?

343 replies

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 22:19

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
Neverneverneveragain · 15/08/2024 00:11

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:42

This is interesting, I’ve actually thought before she might have additional needs which might explain her emotional intelligence.
Have you found that quite hard to manage?

Show quote history

No I did not realise until recently but I feel like her PA, her executive function and I help her to regulate emotionally. We had many years on our own just me and her sisters and her when we had a lot of fun and freedom and really bonded. Now we live with my partner as well but the bond with him is difficult. Not sure how much my situation compares to yours but my thinking is that your partner is responding to her needs. I don’t do these things with my other children that need me in different ways.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:12

Cardinalita90 · 14/08/2024 23:53

Could you raise it with him from the angle of her needing to develop the confidence to make decisions herself without needing to run everything past him (via multiple calls a day!). At 19 she needs to be starting to have confidence in her judgement- or at least to try - and the code pendency is stifling that. I'd probably start with that before mentioning the physical stuff - perhaps if he's receptive to that and works on boundaries, this may taper off?

i really like this idea because to be honest I don’t think he always does give her enough credit - she is bright and very funny and kind and she can make her own decisions - even if it does go wrong at least she would have tried for herself. This is a good place to start and not overstepping or making anyone feel awkward.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 15/08/2024 00:16

Poor young lady. Her parents split, her mums busy and has a new baby, her dad's moved in with someone else's children and now the step mum is talking about her on a internet forum .
Perhaps it would be easier op if you found a man that didn't have children, or never saw them.🙄

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:16

Fifteentreefrogs · 14/08/2024 23:50

Look at it from her perspective.. she's clingy for a reason. Probably feels very insecure and wouldn't you? Her mum has a new family.. so does her dad. She's also very young barely an adult and that is a hard time.. leaving home for the first time etc
The relationship with her dad is probably very important to her right now so she is wanting a lot from him
You are wrong to make something creepy out of her being physically affectionate with him
Would you honestly think thar if she were your biological daughter.

I have a sad memory of trying to link arms with my dad once as a teen and being told it was inappropriate. That was a difficult time in my life and I guess I needed affection but then I felt so ashamed and like I was a total weirdo when I was told it was 'odd'. I feel so sad about it now as I have two daughters and I would NEVER in a month of Sundays, try and make something creepy out of or try and suggest that them showing physical affection to their father was wrong. At any age.

I truly do see this. This is what I tell myself all the time, and why I haven’t said anything .
I can’t shake this feeling as times goes on that it isn’t actually very healthy for her as she’s getting older. Another poster has suggested speaking about helping her to be less dependent on him for the decision making which I think is a good place to start.

OP posts:
Babyshambles90 · 15/08/2024 00:16

I think talking to someone like a therapist who can give a more independent perspective is a sound plan. For what it’s worth it comes across that you really care about them both so I’m sure you’ll find a sensitive way to help them disentangle a bit without losing their bond. Out of curiosity, does your discomfort come more from what other people will think if they see this behaviour, or is it more that you intrinsically think the dynamic between them is unhealthy? That might help shape your approach.

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:17

I think this might be a "you" problem OP.

ilconformista · 15/08/2024 00:18

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:17

I think this might be a "you" problem OP.

I disagree.

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:18

Female jealousy can be very intense.

Some women don't like any other woman, including his own daughter, around their man

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:19

PassingStranger · 15/08/2024 00:16

Poor young lady. Her parents split, her mums busy and has a new baby, her dad's moved in with someone else's children and now the step mum is talking about her on a internet forum .
Perhaps it would be easier op if you found a man that didn't have children, or never saw them.🙄

This is really so unhelpful . So if I left her and she had to move out of my house , leave my children , my family who all adore her that is better for her?
I’m asking for advice not judgement.
I might not speak to him about it but abandoning her at this stage of her life is the last thing she needs thanks though!

OP posts:
mm81736 · 15/08/2024 00:19

I suspect your dsd does not feel half as happy and secure in your wonderful blended family as you like to portray.
She's laying claim to her dad!

Incakewetrust · 15/08/2024 00:20

@Abigail47 neither 🙂 I've never been married before and neither DH or I have any children from previous relationships.
Also, I don't sit on my dad's knee or walk around holding his hand because A. I'm not 5 years old and B. I don't have daddy issues ✌️
Your turn.

Katbum · 15/08/2024 00:20

He is your husband - you have every right to tell him how he is behaving with his daughter is making you feel uncomfortable and is inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage. I had to have a similar chat with my DH when his daughter started puberty and he was still sleeping in bed with her (she sleeps naked) cos she is scared of the dark! My DH immediately understood what I meant, just literally hadn’t considered it because in his eyes she’s still his baby. Your DH needs to enforce boundaries that demonstrate to his DD that your intimate relationship is his priority. He is her parent. She is now at an age she needs to detach from him and experiment with forming primary bonds with other people. Of course, they can be close - but you are his wife and if it were me I’d be very clear to him that treating you as such is non-negotiable.

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:22

I can think of another example.

My uncles wife was jealous of me.

Not in a "she thought my uncle was attracted to me".

But she would get extremely jealous if he gave a compliment to me in any way.

For example he complimented my haircut once. His wife turned and glared at him. And he then said to his wife "oh but your hair is lovely too kate".

I remember another time he said to me something really inoffensive. You know , something you couldn't possible get jealous of. And she still got jealous of it.

I was playing with their dog. And my uncle said to me "the dog really likes you abigail."

And my aunt glared at him and said immediately "but what about me, the dog also likes me".

She disliked me solely because I was young, female and getting some of my uncles attention

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:22

I disagree.

Fill your boots.

If this was a stepfather joining a family and complaining a teenage son was too close to a mother, though, it would be the stepfather who quite rightly was criticised for it.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:22

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

Thanks, I had no idea that was a board. I will look there and definitely get some advice. It’s really mixed here and although helpful really confusing and I want to get it right.

OP posts:
Bellsandthistle · 15/08/2024 00:23

@Abigail47 have you tried therapy?

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:24

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

Oh FFS. I thought the whole creepy "mini wife" shit was banned from this board years ago.

It's hard enough being a SM without all of this nonsense being pushed and given credibility.

Incakewetrust · 15/08/2024 00:24

Bellsandthistle · 15/08/2024 00:23

@Abigail47 have you tried therapy?

I second this. You're projecting your issues onto this thread and misreading the OP's situation almost deliberately.
Please speak to someone.

Katbum · 15/08/2024 00:25

PassingStranger · 15/08/2024 00:16

Poor young lady. Her parents split, her mums busy and has a new baby, her dad's moved in with someone else's children and now the step mum is talking about her on a internet forum .
Perhaps it would be easier op if you found a man that didn't have children, or never saw them.🙄

She is 19 years old. It’s high time she started ‘getting over it’. His job as a dad is to help her form secure attachments away from him; not to become her proxy husband at the detriment of his actual marriage. I mean if she was 6, the advice would be different, but this is setting a massively ‘off’ precedent, where OP is being set up as her DSD’s romantic
rival. No. It stops now. It’s a dealbreaker, and terrible parenting (not to mention terrible husband-ing) to let it continue.

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:25

VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:22

Thanks, I had no idea that was a board. I will look there and definitely get some advice. It’s really mixed here and although helpful really confusing and I want to get it right.

Show quote history

Definitely do check out the step parents board. As you're seeing, a lot of MN is very damning of stepmums, you just won't get what you need here for the most part.

You have my sympathies, blended families are so bloody tough. Best of luck to you!

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:27

Bellsandthistle · 15/08/2024 00:23

@Abigail47 have you tried therapy?

Have you?

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:27

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:24

Oh FFS. I thought the whole creepy "mini wife" shit was banned from this board years ago.

It's hard enough being a SM without all of this nonsense being pushed and given credibility.

Show quote history

Sorry I don't understand what you mean. I've never seen it 'banned' from here, and it's pretty accepted in every step parenting board I've ever been on. I'm living it right now, so it's not nonsense to me.

Agree with you that being a SM is very hard going.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:28

Babyshambles90 · 15/08/2024 00:16

I think talking to someone like a therapist who can give a more independent perspective is a sound plan. For what it’s worth it comes across that you really care about them both so I’m sure you’ll find a sensitive way to help them disentangle a bit without losing their bond. Out of curiosity, does your discomfort come more from what other people will think if they see this behaviour, or is it more that you intrinsically think the dynamic between them is unhealthy? That might help shape your approach.

I honestly do love them both very much and the whole thing is confusing and sad.
Detangling is a great way to put it as I don’t want to disrupt the bond at all but I also want it to be healthy for everyone’s sake and it doesn’t feel healthy at the moment.
Im not sure if others seeing it does bother me or not - I think I feel a bit defensive on their behalf as she’s been t through so much.

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:28

OP, a lot of young adults have a wobble in the UG years. If she's being clingy, it won't last.