Partner too close to teen daughter?

[VivienneBMama]

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

Not rich but pretty comfortable

You don't think that the

"Stepmother being jealous of her teen stepdaughter"

Is a more likely scenario than

"The dad actually having an affair with his own daughter".

I know which one I've heard happen much more often.

OP you haven't answered that point. Have you ever been jealous of the attention that he gives her?

This is interesting, I’ve actually thought before she might have additional needs which might explain her emotional intelligence.
Have you found that quite hard to manage?

I have seen it.

A woman I know. Her dad is now 80, she is 60 and calls him “faded” in a slight baby accent and tone. Really insetting.

All her young adult and full adult life people have remarked on it, her mother, her brother, the father’s second wife, her ex husband.

It is a morbid thing.

She seems to have a really healthy relationship with 15yo he’s been to uni to visit her, they chat online and it seems like siblings we all adore her she is amazing with 12 y/o

i agree about therapist actually it feels like a big responsibility to bring it up and I really have to get it right.

I am on the fence with this given the history and your family dynamic as you describe. I was very close to my dad and wanted to be near him. We had a real "them and us" relationship for no real reason whatsoever. However, when I was about 18, I sat on his lap uninvited, at a family do where seating was at a premium. I genuinely didn't think anything of it but he said "you're too old for that now" and I was horrified and jumped up. Admittedly that incident kind of broke the bond in a way. Is it possible that they just haven't yet emerged from that kind of closeness? I agree it's inappropriate at her age and you need to talk to him. However, she may genuinely feel it's perfectly ok. It's bugging you and you must trust your gut so do speak out

Have you posted about this before op

Abi honey, you need to read the original post. All the information is there.

We get it, you think that older women are jealous of their stepdaughter, you don't need to keep posting saying the same thing. It's like that pesky fly that came in the window and buzzes past your ear.

He is absolutely not having an affair with her!

Being honest the behaviour has made me feel odd but I don’t know if jealous is the right word . Perhaps it is and I do need to be really careful. It’s actually made me feel quite anxious before but I can’t explain why .

Speaking as someone who had an inappropriate relationship with my father, and was groomed by him in my late teens, there was never anything as public as you describe - the hand-holding, knee-sitting stuff. It means nothing, really, but just not my experience of inappropriate daddy behaviour.

No never, is there a similar thread?

Look at it from her perspective.. she's clingy for a reason. Probably feels very insecure and wouldn't you? Her mum has a new family.. so does her dad. She's also very young barely an adult and that is a hard time.. leaving home for the first time etc
The relationship with her dad is probably very important to her right now so she is wanting a lot from him
You are wrong to make something creepy out of her being physically affectionate with him
Would you honestly think thar if she were your biological daughter.

I have a sad memory of trying to link arms with my dad once as a teen and being told it was inappropriate. That was a difficult time in my life and I guess I needed affection but then I felt so ashamed and like I was a total weirdo when I was told it was 'odd'. I feel so sad about it now as I have two daughters and I would NEVER in a month of Sundays, try and make something creepy out of or try and suggest that them showing physical affection to their father was wrong. At any age.

*calls him “dadee “ with a slight babyish accent and tone.

PS - I see it largely drive. By her, not the dad. She is possessive of him and asserts her authority over others by being his number one.

It is uncomfortable.

Yes there have been many threads posted by stepmothers on here before, about this exact same issue

Could you raise it with him from the angle of her needing to develop the confidence to make decisions herself without needing to run everything past him (via multiple calls a day!). At 19 she needs to be starting to have confidence in her judgement- or at least to try - and the code pendency is stifling that. I'd probably start with that before mentioning the physical stuff - perhaps if he's receptive to that and works on boundaries, this may taper off?

Wow this is madness.

if I was at all jealous of her it would be due to the attention and that’s me being really honest. Nothing whatsoever to do with how pretty she is or not, or if she looks like her mother who pretty much abandoned her . My family and I adore this child If I didn’t I would be long gone and not bothering to post about it all here for advice.

I’ve never ever made her aware of how strange I find it all, or even him for that matter. I’m trying to be cautious. I think this is incredibly black and white.

I don’t think it’s typical behaviour at all, but wanted to say that I know two women who are like this with their Dad. It’s a very strange power play and I can completely understand why it feels off. Not trying to normalise it at all, but also don’t want you feeling like this is totally unique as it’s definitely not.

Thank you for the insight and I’m sorry to hear that x

You know as I write all of this and read on I think I’m more puzzled with him. He’s the adult and it does feel off . She’s just a child / young woman who has issues with her mum but it’s his job ( and mine) to make her feel secure and wanted but without the boundaries crossing .

This is exactly why I’m mindful to say anything . If I say something to him and he changes how he is with her, how damaging could that be? What if it all naturally stops which is why I haven’t said anything before. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting then/ her especially but I also feel like I owe it to them for some reason too. It’s so hard and confusing . Thanks for the insight btw x

In a way, what's happening with your DH and DSD feels more 'innocent' because it's so openly displayed, they aren't hiding anything. It's still weird, but in a better way than if things were happening secretly behind the scenes.

@Abigail47 my guess is you're either the scorned ex wife, jealous of the new wife OR you were the step daughter with the 'evil stepmother' and you are also inappropriately physical with your own dad.
Which one is it?

I'm on the fence. Hope you will allow me some scope to explain.

the sitting on the lap thing - I've done it, I've seen friends do it and my sister-in-law does it with her Dad (my FIL) but context is everything.

Trying to think of an example to give the context, so on holiday - we were once taking the piss out of my FIL. All good fun and some banter. It was his birthday. There'd been some alcohol. There'd been some attempts at doing a tik tok dance. It was a good night. My SIL sat on her Dad's knee and did a 'oh Daddy we do love you really' with her arms round him. I have a photograph of it. She was 30yrs!

So that's the sort of time and place where I've seen it/done it.

If my FIL had a new wife at that dinner/evening - I could imagine her being a bit put out by it. Of course, her own Mum just laughed and said - 'oh here we go, fluttering your eyelashes, what are you creeping for? What you after?' Said as a joke, like going back to a time when the 6yr old version of her would do this.

The other point is it could be that the daughter feels highly insecure of you.

I had a friend at uni who was in a similar situation and this might be quite relevant to you. Her Dad remarried a few years before she started uni and everytime he came to visit - she threw herself at him and was so over the top with the 'oh Daddy, haha. Daddy you're so this, that and the other' Cuddling him constantly. It was weird.

She got really drunk one night, wound up breaking down about how no one loved her. She also didn't have a Mum in the picture (think she moved abroad). Basically her lifestory was that after their divorce - everyone had moved on with new lives and new families and she just didn't know where she belonged. She was desperate to be someone's number one priority. She was howling, took 5 of us to try and calm her down. It was all no one loved her. No one cared about her. It would be easier for everyone if she was dead - that sort of drunk emotional breakdown. She didn't have any biological siblings either, although all her step-siblings did.

Away from her family dynamics (and alcohol) she was smart, confident and self sufficient. Although it was clear there was something off with her - she was running a bit of a personality disorder that would be too long winded to explain here. But something definitely not right.

She graduated uni and I heard some years later she had a complete and utter break down - she had to go to a sort of priory type place - as in - she wasn't sectioned but she was hospitalised for it.

So perhaps she's deeply insecure about you. Her own mother clearly doesn't give a stuff. You have your own kids, plus you have her Dad.

Your gut might be right - something is off - but possibly you're a bit off the track about why.

Maybe read up on attachment issues - that might help.

She sounds infantile and everything else is stemming from that.

If you speak to him, use this angle. A way of getting her to mature and have some resilience. At the moment he is enabling her to remain childlike and it is not a healthy dynamic.

And which one are you?

Why don't you introduce yourself first