Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

[endlessnonsense]

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

Do you actually like her at all? You don’t seem to.

It all sounds very performative and annoying, I'd not go on holiday with her again - she sounds like an embarrassing bore.

Holidays are truly the time we find out if we are compatible with partners and friends!
I'd go back to the 'couple of times a year' meetings if you want to maintain the friendship, otherwise, just quietly thank her for coming this time and let things drift

I thought I liked her. I am not so sure now.

Not sure if you are being unreasonable but you are not her friend.

I feel sorry for her.

She sounds annoying but also somewhat anxious

do you think she thought it would be just you and not all these other local friends?

Maybe she caught on that you were spending the whole time in a state of suppressed anger at her and it made her feel uncomfortable such that she was trying to not get in the way?

I agree this is all really annoying.

Not the sweetness thing but went travelling with a “I don’t minder”. SO annoying. I had to make every single decision about where we went/ what we did / ate as she always just said “I don’t mind”. I felt like the bloody travel agent by the end of the trip.

If she's like that all the time, then it's not likely she's putting on an act for you. Maybe she genuinely doesn't mind, maybe she feels so grateful to join you in holiday so she thinks you should take priority all the time.

Well we were never close friends, but I liked her and enjoyed dinners and conversations with her (we have careers in adjacent fields and other things in common), although I guess, deep down, to be honest, I always considered her a bit of a wet blanket compared to my other friends. She has been going through a breakup from her XH and we thought she could use a fun holiday , that's why we invited her. When she left she said she'll be back next year!

My DH is not really concerned about all this, so he is clearly the nicer person!

She's different to you. I doubt she actually did any of these things to piss you off. Certainly seems like there are some anxious traits from the behaviour you describe. You don't seem to like her at all.

It’s not ‘supersweet’ at all, though, and nothing you say suggests any kind of passive-aggressive intent. She’s just, for whatever reason, defaulting to a terribly self-sacrificing persona, under the impression it is likeable rather than irritating as fuck, which it is.

My mother does this. She’s genuinely under the impression that it’s a ‘nice, polite’ way to behave and will make people like her, and she brought up her daughters to think that people would like them if they said ‘I don’t mind’ every time they were asked if they’d prefer A or B, or putting themselves down, or volunteering to stay behind even if there was no need. She is horrified at how we’ve turned out, because she thinks confident women who consult their own preferences are the worst thing in the world.

I wouldn’t give it too much headspace, just don’t invite her on holidays again. If you must, see her briefly in situations where her persona is less grating.

My mum does this all the time. It’s a self esteem thing I think. It does bug me but it’s not performative or manipulative (although it does feel that way sometimes) she is just very anxious and feels everyone else deserves better than her.

You are clearly not compatible. She sounds like she was coming from a place of kindness or anxiety. You just found her annoying. Don't travel with her again..

Yip have someone at work like this it's soo bloody annoying, tries to be miss perfect in all areas of her life, she bugs the crap out of all of us, even to the point of having a laid back laugh with friends an co workers about sex and not in the mood and she's was like ooh I'd never refuse my husband sex could dream of it. I'm just like oh gtf. Tho ls she is something else.

You don't really know someone until you have to live in close proximity with them. Even if it's just for a short time, as in this holiday situation, having to be in someone's company almost continuously, reveals parts of them you weren't aware of.

In mitigation of her annoying behaviour: she may have felt a bit out of her depths as she wasn't familiar with the place/ the other people and everyone else was. Also if she was a singleton and if everyone else were in couples or family groups she may have felt a bit wrong footed.

I think keeping things on friendly terms but only having contact on an infrequent basis is the way to go for the future.

“Too sweet to be wholesome,” I’ve heard it called.

Gets on my tits.

I think you're majorly overeacting.

1. she probably forgot your child doesn't like ice cream as 99% of children love it.

2. Did you ask her if you could invite other people to the trip? You might call it social fun, as they're your friends, but many people don't like meeting big crowds they don't know, unexpectedly. I had a friend who did this a few times and I ended up withdrawing from the friendship; it's rude to just assume everyone's ok with random people coming on days out.

3. she was naive. Does she have kids? Of course kids don't usually like salad but mine love cucumber and if they were hungry would accept it if someone asked. Obviously she didn't have to and was being overly anxious but your response, to physically stop her, was also patronising. Do you see yourself as a better person?

You sound controlling. You're just different people.

From the title I thought I was going to like her and, having read your post, I definitely don’t.

She may have been going through some sort of MH / anxiety / self esteem episode but you don’t take that with you to join someone else’s holiday unless it’s someone very close and they’ve explicitly said they don’t mind.

I’d put that friendship in the “well I never knew she was like that” box and bin it

YANBU, these types of people make themselves SUCH hard work through their pass-agg attempts to be ‘not’ hard work. Hard to believe they don’t have some sort of twisted agenda.

That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

How did you handle that? I’d have said ‘what?? Oh don’t be silly, we’re only going because you want to go! 🙄😅’ said with a smile and cheery tone. But my God. Things need saying sometimes!!

This behaviour has annoyed people
through the ages. See Uriah Heep in Charles Dickens book

Well, that suggests her elaborate performances of ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘I shouldn’t get my food first’ and ‘I’ll stay behind’ probably come from a place of sadness/anxiety, and it’s also possible she was picking up on your suppressed annoyance and thinking ‘How do I make X like me again? I know, I’ll keep saying I don’t mind and offering ice creams and to stay behind, then she’ll like me!’

Unfortunately, this kind of person is so busy thinking about how they’re coming across that they don’t really tune in to other people — hence her not grasping that there were other things she could have bought your child, or that her volunteering to stay at home from the visit organised for her was a bit self-defeating. However, did you ever say ‘As you know, he hates icecream, but he’d love a bar of chocolate, thanks’ or ‘X, we organised this trip specifically so you could see place Y, so you staying at home would defeat the purpose, plus there’s plenty of room!’ Directness helps with my mother, sometimes.

Is it really "kindness" though, to repeatedly infer that I was preventing my son from having an ice cream because I didnt want to pay for it, or to try and give her salad to a child she had just met, in front of a dozen people, presumablyso she would appear self-sacrificing? I didn't get that from it. (I know this is petty, BTW, and I wouldn't admit it IRL!). I did try to ensure she didn't see I was annoyed, but it wasn't just the examples above, it was pretty relentless. I did say a few times, no, he doesn't like ice cream, and by the end No, as I have told you, he doesn't like ice cream. She might have picked up on that.

Yes, to this ^
Due to break up she’s probably lost even more confidence in herself. Maybe she’s concerned that as a couple you won’t socialise with single her anymore. But I do get why you’re annoyed especially with an ice cream thing. I would meet up with her 1:1 occasionally but won’t go on a holiday together.

Oh god she sounds like my mother. She came on holiday with us last year for the first time (my poor dad unable to travel)and I love her and she really deserved a nice holiday but I wanted to throttle her for many of the reasons you mentioned.