Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

[endlessnonsense]

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

She isn't a "random neighbour". We have known her and her XH for 20 years, when we lived in the same city we socialised frequently, and they became friends with a number of our other friends. After we moved away a few years ago both she and her XH have travelled (separately) to visit us (at our home in another country). She has been on holiday here before with us, but with her XH, and they didn't stay with us. He has been here with us by himself several times. (I know her XH much better than her though, as she has always been away a lot for work and he was a SAH parent, so we saw much more of him).

It could also be a result of a controlled and restricted childhood. I have to practice every day not to be like that, and only learnt in adulthood. But it’s a result of being conditioned during childhood that my needs weren’t important, that I shouldn’t express my feelings but be pleasant at all times, that anything beyond provision of basic food or clothes was a massive favour to me and highly indulgent, that asking for things I wanted or places I wanted to go made me a huge burden, that acknowledging I was ill or felt sad was a downer on everyone around me.

To this day I find it really hard to accept people buying me things or paying for meal - and feel like it’s too much and I “owe” them which sends the behaviour you described your friend doing into overdrive for me. As I feel I have to earn the favour back.

It sounds like you are looking for her to have malicious intentions, perhaps because if you think she’s actually being passive aggressive, you won’t feel guilty about finding her annoying.

Honestly, she just sounds anxious and keen for people to like her, perhaps because she’s struggling with the breakdown of her marriage and worried about having friends. Likely she has low self esteem. Obviously you don’t have to be friends with her if she’s not your kind of person, but I do feel sorry for her.

Some people are nice and easy-going, OP. You should probably leave her to find other friends who like her.

@DysonSphere, as I said up the thread, I was absolutely raised that way. My mother raised us to say ‘I don’t mind’ any time we were asked to make a choice, put ourselves last, never say no to a request, no matter how awkward for us, never accept if someone offered us a cup of tea, performatively put ourselves down in any situation. But as adults, we’re responsible for unpicking that kind of nonsense.

It sounds like she was trying really hard not to step on toes and be polite, but clearly that's rubbed you up the wrong way. She was probably super anxious too.

OP some people actually find decisions quite stressful and genuinely are happy with either option?
It sounds like she honestly felt really grateful to have been included so wanted you to feel free to do as you liked?
You sound a bit unfair really. I suspect she was keen to treat your son as doesn't want to be seen as a freeloader who's not even offered to pay for anything.

what ?
people who are still walking around at 11 pm at night because they can’t decide a restaurant between them

Your DH isn’t concerned so maybe that’s the clue.

I knew a woman who played sweet in order to undermine the other women in the group. It was a game to her.

I also have a relative also just like this - drives women bonkers but men think she’s lovely!!!

There are men who like women like this - subservient, obsequious types. It’s quite sickening but look at the men who look abroad for wives who are more ‘agreeable.’

Of course she could be genuinely sweet and perhaps over grateful for still being included when she’s divorced from a mutual friend.

Your instinct will guide you.

She sounds like my dad...he just doesn't get it though his thick skull sometimes. He thinks he's being nice and polite when in reality he can be quite rude, he doesn't mean to be but he is and it is hard work.

She was, but anxiety or poor self-esteem is no excuse for not recognising that this kind of behaviour is monumentally irritating to 95% of people because it involves so much work from the person being performed at, and because it’s so obviously designed to elicit a specific type of response.

I would never have seen her as a freeloader. She offered to get her own accomodation, we asked her to stay with us because we had a room available. And she paid for her share of meals and groceries, in a completely normal way ( not too little, not too much).

I think she appreciated being there and was trying too hard not to be a bother.

You sound so vociferous? Some people are just quite laid back and don't mind going with the flow?
Can't believe how nasty some people on this thread are being about people who just happen to be, quite nice! Bet you'd be just as nasty if they were always wanting their own way - i think some people are determined to find fault!!

It’s difficult, because on paper she hasn’t really done anything wrong. But I would also be annoyed by this, “Awwh, let him have an ice cream” and trying to give her food to a child. It’s about showing how helpful and kind she is rather than actually being helpful and kind.

My dad can be like this. A couple of Christmases ago, he bought this (very nice) fizzy cranberry mixer. He thought I’d like it, and I did. But a few days in he’d asked if I wanted a drink and I said I’d have a Baileys. He looked taken aback and said, “Baileys? Don’t you want your nice cranberry drink?” I said I just fancied a Baileys. Then it was “Don’t you like your cranberry drink?” I got annoyed in the end and ended up being blamed for being ungrateful; he’d only tried to get me something I’d like, why was I being stroppy etc.. I just wanted what I wanted!

I think you need to ask yourself why you see nice and accommodating behaviour as a 'performance' and something designed to 'elicit a response'. Some people are just easier going than others?
Eg some people are quite selective eaters so will have a strong preference over the evening meal. Others are happy to eat anything so won't mind - do you lot all think that those people are being 'performatively nice'?!

The two instances involving children and food would have got my back up the most. Her actions are clearly implying that the parents aren't as concerned and thoughtful as she is.

That would colour everything else for me, even if the other behaviours weren't as irritating as they obviously are.

Is she religious or was she raised in a religious household? This type of behaviour can be ingrained - summarised as you are less worthy than others. My experience is with a branch of christianity but i know people from other religious backgrounds who have experienced similar. My MIL is exactly like this but it's not manipulative it's just she genuinely thinks she must never express an opinion in case she upsets someone. She doesn't even realise she's doing it. And when it's pointed out she can't understand how deferring to everyone else's needs would be infuriating. It by turns drives me mad and makes me sad that she's never felt empowered to say "no this is what i want to do". She can never state she's enjoyed something until it's all over and done with and she then knows no one was upset and nothing went wrong. This can cover across as her being bored and disengaged with everything.

Trust your instincts. Covert narcs are a nightmare to deal with.

She picked up on your
" suppressed anger" & forgot your child doesn't eat ice-cream?
Also children don't eat salad..they do if it's given to them🤔🙄

I agree with others about how disconcerting the performance of people pleasing is. Some of the anger you felt will have been because you picked up on the dissonance between what she said and how she acted. It's a subtle performance of superiority.

I'd also wonder if you feeling angry was an unconscious but deliberately manipulated outcome because it allows her to bed down in the position of victim - poor me I'm just trying to be helpful and @endlessnonsense is so mean to me.

I know that seems unsympathetic and I do agree with others that this will come from a place of insecurity / anxiety, but it reinforces an identity for her and as such I think it's a really manipulative thing to do because it's using other people without their consent.

The older I get the less patience I have with this kind of behaviour in other adults. Don't encourage another trip unless she seems to grow some self awareness in the meantime!

She grew up in a very Catholic eastern European country, I know little about her childhood as she never talks about it. Maybe that says something.

I know someone like this and it’s utterly draining. So performative and attention seeking but dressed up as kindness. I would advise taking a big step back.

Performative niceness, we have a couple in DH family like this.
They have to be the hero in every situation but God help you if you challenge their view of themselves, then you see the real person.
People might call you mean OP but I think its just that you see through this person

Well said, @Anothernamechane

Sounds as though she and the OP are fundamentally incompatible. I hope she has other friends.