Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

[endlessnonsense]

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

My MIL is like this. Always offering to help or do things that quite clearly are unhelpful or wrong in some ways, never helping in ways that would actually help. Especially when asked, then she finds a way to not do it. So weird. I agree it's passive aggressive. 'I'm so helpful but you never let me help!' My DH does it a little too, but can recognise it at least.

You need to nip in the bud the notion of coming next year as if that happens she will be expecting to join you every year

I can’t bear performatively “nice” and “sweet” people who don’t have any opinions or personality of their own and expect to constantly trail along in other people’s wakes. It’s actually often highly passive aggressive: it’s a way to force people to tolerate you because they never give you anything to identify with, either positive or negative. I often find with these people that when you peel back tge onion layers of “niceness” they are usually manipulative and feel “entitled” to friendship because they are “nice”.

A lot of women unfortunately do this because they have been brought up to believe that being “nice” means never getting in anyone’s way or having any of your own thoughts.

I know a lot of people can’t really help it but it makes me want to shake them. If you never have a genuine thought of your own you don’t really earn your place in a society. Woman up FFS.

She is not meek in her normal life, she is a very senior professional in a very high-powered international role in a male-dominated field. But the PP who mentioned the possible effect of her relationship with her XH may be right, I think. I actually know him quite a bit better than I know her and we have spent much more time with him thhan her over the years, because of her career.He is lovely in many ways but quite an overpowering personality, and fairly arrogant.

The salad thing is super annoying, I agree. And also quite a weird thing to do, especially in front of people she doesn’t know. It doesn’t sound like something that comes from a place of anxiety. It sounds more performative.

I feel sorry for her.

If she wants to be a martyr let her; "oh I'll just have tap water", you reply "ok".

She says "oh I won't come then", you reply "ok, see you later".

Stop letting her yank your chain!

I feel sorry for her. She's going through a breakup from someone who you said has an overpowering personality and probably felt super grateful to be invited on holiday and was trying not to be overpowering but just going with the flow.
You sound quite mean towards her to be honest.

You like your friend enough to speak with, see for a few hours and write to each other..
You are not compatible enough to live with each other nor to holiday together.

So, you learned something useful about each other.

How did you handle that? I’d have said ‘what?? Oh don’t be silly, we’re only going because you want to go! 🙄😅’ said with a smile and cheery tone. But my God. Things need saying sometimes!!

That was one of the times I was a bit snippy. I just was so taken aback. I said, "why on earth would you say that, we are going to XX because you haven't been there. Thats the whole point. We all have been many times!". She was just quiet after that and I felt bad.

It’s not an unpleasant thread, it’s a really useful thread for the vast numbers of people-pleasers on Mn, who post about how lonely they are and how it’s unfair because they put themselves out all the time for others, going the extra mile, offering help, being all smiley and flexible and fitting in with other people’s preferences. This is how it feels being on the receiving end of this kind of inauthentic behaviour, which, yes, often comes from poor self-esteem and a desire to ‘be no bother’, but is done in an (often unconscious) effort to manipulate other people into liking you. When mostly it causes the reverse.

If the OP’s friend was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea of going to see a place with a large group of people she didn’t know, in the middle of a divorce, she should have just said so, directly, and not pretended she was being helpful by offering not to go on to invented pretext that she was ‘helping’ because there wasn’t enough room. The OP would probably have sympathised and reassured her, or cut down the numbers, rather than being irritated that the friend didn’t appear to grasp the expedition was entirely for her benefit.

I agree that I seem mean, that's why I started the thread. If I had no qualms about my attitude I would have just continued on my merry way.

@endlessnonsense
Although I guess, deep down, to be honest, I always considered her a bit of a wet blanket compared to my other friends

Yeah, you're not her friend. Sounds like anything she'd have done would have got on your tits, maybe she picked up on that and felt you were getting irritated by her presence or something.

I have a relative like this and I agree it’s very annoying. She couldn’t choose between X or Y if her life depended on it, she would just keep saying “I don’t mind” forever. I’ve stopped asking her opinion now as it was just too painful all round. In the case of my relative it’s definitely a low self-esteem / anxiety thing.

I would feel the same as you, she sounds incredibly annoying and I would get angry.

I don't understand her behaviour at all but maybe as others have suggested it's down to anxiety or something. Fair enough but I would go back to seeing her a couple of times a year!

I had a friend for a few years who was like this, she would agree with bloody everything and was a sort of Stepford style friend. The friendship ended eventually, she got annoyed with me and I got annoyed with her over an issue that was nothing to do with the actual friendship. I actually think suppressing what she really thought for so long messed her head up.

Sorry OP but I think you are coming across as quite mean. Just distance yourself from her if you don’t like her (it’s clear from this thread) - it sounds like it’s got the point where she could sneeze and you would have found an issue with it. The friendship has run its course.

I’m with you OP, I can’t abide people like this who play the martyr for no reason. It’s like a drama creating habit, it really gets on my nerves. I’ve known a few people like this and I’ve purposefully drifted away from them because their “kindness” is actually hidden attention seeking.

The thing is, her performative niceness is putting other people down isn't it?

I'll give the toddler my food because all the other adults aren't being thoughtful enough.

I won't go on the trip became you've potentially been inconsiderate enough not to leave space.

I'll buy the ice cream because you are too mean.

It makes you feel bad, and you haven't done anything wrong, and therefore resentful at being made to feel bad.

I get it. I think most people (but not all) have an instinct to know when someone is being authentic or not. I can usually feel it if I think someone is putting on an act which for some (gut feeling) does not ring true. It feels like a performance and it really grates. It could be an insecurity that leads to this - or I have found it sometimes masks a more unpleasant reality. I would struggle with this massively in a holiday situation.

Problem is a lot of people just don't see it at all - and then you look like the arsehole if you raise it.

Is it really about the 'supersweetness' or is it because she is a single woman now?

Sounds like my MIL on holiday…. She says ‘don’t mind’ to everything and it’s so draining to make choices for someone else all day long when they are tagging along 24/7, just tell me what you’d like to do, if you’d rather tea or coffee (I DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT I MAKE FOR YOU LOVE, JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT 🤬) and what you fancy for dinner. Just some direction would be nice! I’ve got three young children to think of already and it’s honestly like taking a 4th out with us.

She’s the martyr type too, with all her ‘don’t worry about me’ and it’s irritating because I know she actually does care she just wants to be ‘little old me’ when she’s not even that old. Never ever going away with them again 😂

Are you concerned that she might have some mental health issues, or anxiety being around other people?

I'm a people pleaser and a don't minder, but that's because I'm always concerned about what people think of me. I have depression and anxiety and the struggle is real.

She sounds nice. You don't. You think she's deliberately trying to annoy you, instead of feeling sorry for a woman that clearly has issues. She's not your friend and would probably be horrified at what you think of her.

I'm with you OP. My Mil does this. She thinks she's showing how considerate and thoughtful and lovely she is, where as I see it as a victim mentality and it drives me INSANE. She actively looks for situations to demonstrate her thoughtfulness, in ways that it is definitely not needed or appropriate.