Unsure if I am overreacting or if this is irresponsible?

TheCompactPussycat · 13/08/2024 10:22

I don't really see anything too much wrong with this but I can understand why you feel uncomfortable.

Other parents will always parent differently to you. I presume your DD has a phone so I think the conversation you need to have is with her. Whatever the other mother said, your DD should have checked with you or, at least, sent a message so you knew what she was doing. That would be what I would have expected from my children.

Disillusionedwithlife · 13/08/2024 10:24

Yes I'd be worried about this OP.

Personally I don't think I'd say anything at present but if your DD is invited to stay again I would be saying no, I don't feel comfortable about her going and I would be explaining why to the other mother at that point.

Comedycook · 13/08/2024 10:25

I would be very unhappy about this. However, it's done now. I wouldn't allow my DD to stay over again though

Hectorscalling · 13/08/2024 10:27

I think you need to discuss this with your dd. Not the other parent.

Your dd is old enough to judge wether something would be ok with you or not.

The other parent, clearly, parents differently. If this is something they allow their child to do and they think it’s perfectly fine, it might not enter their head you may not.

Another parent will always do things differently to you.

Your dd is old enough to know wether you would allow this or not.

OlympicsFanGirl · 13/08/2024 10:28

I don't see what's wrong with that. It sounds like a lovely thing to do.

I don't think there's any way to raise this that doesn't make you come across as a crazy helicopter parent.

peebles32 · 13/08/2024 10:29

I think the other girls mother should have checked with you first. I would always check with the parent on any outing they were doing by themselves.

Catza · 13/08/2024 10:30

The mother probably didn't specify that they can go at 4.30am and wearing their PJs. I would imagine, the girls made the decision re timing and what they were wearing themselves after being told they can go to the beach. In which case, the onus is really on you and your daughter and you should have a conversation with her about the risks and what is appropriate to wear in these circumstances. And ask her to check with you if something similar is being offered in the future.
It sounds as though the other parent has different ideas about parenting and risks. A simple conversation about your parental boundaries is all that is needed.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/08/2024 10:35

I'm guessing it's something your daughter's friend had done many times before.
But of course the mum or your daughter should really have checked with you first.
I wouldn't read the riot act over it. But if it's something you won't allow just tell your daughter she's not to go again, and mention it to the mum and friend too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2024 10:36

peebles32 · Today 10:29
I think the other girls mother should have checked with you first. I would always check with the parent on any outing they were doing by themselves”

Yes, this.

DragonGypsyDoris · 13/08/2024 10:39

Nerrr78 · 13/08/2024 10:18

My DD 13 stayed at her friends house the other day. Friends mother allowed them to go down to local beach (10 minutes walk) in their short pjs to watch sunrise at 4.30am on their own. DD told me the next day and I was upset that this had happened and I knew nothing about it. What if something had happened to them, I was asleep, thinking my DD was asleep, safe at her friends home.

DD said friends mother had said they could go the night before as long as they didn't wake her up.

How do I approach this without causing too much conflict?

Not a huge issue for me. What about context? Is it a beach area where people are still hanging around after the nightclubs chuck out at 0300, or is it a deserted idyll?

Shawdee · 13/08/2024 10:47

Absolutely not a chance in any lifetime. However, I gather the people saying they wouldn't have a problem with it must live in nicer areas than me.

Edingril · 13/08/2024 10:49

I did stuff like this at my friend's house as a child, yes I would have been OK with it

BibbleandSqwauk · 13/08/2024 10:51

short pjs are exactly the same as shorts / t shirt they'd be wearing during the day. There'll be no-one about at 4.30 most likely so probably safer than at 9am. They're 13, not 10. I really think this is fine.

Frasers · 13/08/2024 10:52

At 4.30 it’s getting light, obvs as they are going to watch sunrise. I’d be fine with them walking 10 mins to the beach at this time, and I assume as much as they are short pjs they are basically just shorts and not indecent.

Hoppinggreen · 13/08/2024 10:57

It sounds like a lovely idea but at 13 I would either go with them or say no.
Also, when you have other peoples kids staying you do need to check, I have asked Parents of the DCs friends if they were ok with things I would allow as everyone parents differently

Saz12 · 13/08/2024 10:57

In this type of scenario, I'd have phoned you if I was sleepover parent.
If its a borderline thing for you, then speak to DD and tell her next time she needs to remember you expect her ttophobe you if shes not sure if you'd allow sonething or not. Mine wouldnt get it right all the time, particularly if it was presented as a normal thing to do. And she mightnt want to be told "no"... so if you feel its way into the "absolutely not!" side then maybe soeak to orher parent.

Comedycook · 13/08/2024 11:00

BibbleandSqwauk · 13/08/2024 10:51

short pjs are exactly the same as shorts / t shirt they'd be wearing during the day. There'll be no-one about at 4.30 most likely so probably safer than at 9am. They're 13, not 10. I really think this is fine.

No one about....this can also make it more dangerous....

AgileGreenSeal · 13/08/2024 11:03

Comedycook · 13/08/2024 10:25

I would be very unhappy about this. However, it's done now. I wouldn't allow my DD to stay over again though

This.
Not all parents will have the same attitude regarding what’s appropriate. I wouldn’t let her go again. For your own peace of mind as well as for her safety. Not a fan of sleepovers anyway, tbh.

circular1985 · 13/08/2024 11:05

I've a dd13 and I would not be happy with this.

Spinet · 13/08/2024 11:05

I would not feel comfortable with other people's kids leaving the house in the night while I was asleep, no. Not at 13 or even until 16 really. My own kids would depend on the kid. However I can see myself saying yeah sure and really not expecting them to get up/stay up in time to do it!

RosesAndHellebores · 13/08/2024 11:10

Hmm my mother lives five minutes from a glorious beach in a very safe area. Last year there was a murder there.

I'm more concerned about going out in their jim jams, presumably without underwear than watching the sun rise very early morning.

catscalledbeanz · 13/08/2024 11:10

I think it's a lovely and pretty safe thing to do. The only real risk I guess is the sea- but at 13 if they live near a beach I'm assuming they are well versed in safety in that regard. If it were my daughter she'd have her phone with her too, and when she is away I turn my do not disturb off so she could call me at any time.

Womanofcustard · 13/08/2024 11:13

Gobsmacked at most of the reactions here.
i think a lovely experience that your daughter will always remember.
But - they should be dressed, not in pjs.

Comedycook · 13/08/2024 11:14

Womanofcustard · 13/08/2024 11:13

Gobsmacked at most of the reactions here.
i think a lovely experience that your daughter will always remember.
But - they should be dressed, not in pjs.

It may well be a nice experience but the other mum should have accompanied them or checked with the op that she would be happy for her DD to be out at that time without an adult

Disillusionedwithlife · 13/08/2024 11:16

DragonGypsyDoris · 13/08/2024 10:39

Not a huge issue for me. What about context? Is it a beach area where people are still hanging around after the nightclubs chuck out at 0300, or is it a deserted idyll?

Show quote history

Well I hate to exagerate and make young people frightened to anything but I don't believe a deserted idyll is guaranteed safe. I vividly remember the Josie Lawrence case where the family were merely walking in broad daylight in a lovely countryside setting. And there have been plenty of other such awful events.

I think, as another pp said, the fact it's deserted can make it even more dangerous.

It's all a matter of judgement and it wasn't the other mother's call to make a judgement about OP's daughters safety.