Unsure if I am overreacting or if this is irresponsible?

[Nerrr78]

My DD 13 stayed at her friends house the other day. Friends mother allowed them to go down to local beach (10 minutes walk) in their short pjs to watch sunrise at 4.30am on their own. DD told me the next day and I was upset that this had happened and I knew nothing about it. What if something had happened to them, I was asleep, thinking my DD was asleep, safe at her friends home.

DD said friends mother had said they could go the night before as long as they didn't wake her up.

How do I approach this without causing too much conflict?

If it had been a group of 4 or over maybe, but no I would not be happy about it at all if it was just two 13 year olds. Not so much the pj’s but the time.

Don’t think I would say anything to the mum though, but just let daughter know to phone and ask me if this sort of scenario arises in the future.

I don't know the area/location but my initial reaction is that I would not be happy with this and I am surprised by the number of 'chilled' responses on here. I would have a conversation with the mum about this and expectations going forward - doesn't have to cause conflict. In our friendship group alcohol was the issue that almost cased a big fall out after 12 year olds were given free access to alcohopops at a birthday sleep over. Not ok for some of us, but absolutely fine for others. Did lead to a better understanding about things we should check out with one another in advance.

If you worried about "something" happening, you'd never do anything. They were 13, not 6. Sounds like a magical experience to me.

Not ok..

I personally wouldn’t really have a problem with this. Would have been nice if the daughter could have told you about the plans just so you’re in the loop but I don’t think the plans themselves are such a cause for concern

For me it wouldn’t be the big issue that some posters are making it out to be.

Your DD is 13 so old enough for you to be setting down ground rules of what you expect from her if she is not in the house.

If plans are changed (eg getting up and out the house without an adult) then she phones and talks to you about it. I would expect that more than the parent wanting my permission

No going out without proper clothes on

Text to say when they are back

I'm not really sure what the problem is with two teenagers going for a ten-minute walk at dawn, to be honest.

What do you hope to achieve by contacting the parent? She can't go back in time. She can apologise. How much is that apology worth to you? Is it worth impacting your daughter's relationship with her peers and her losing trust in you?

In your position I would be focussing on my teenager and talking to them about making good decisions, about personal safety, about her communication with me. I personally think going to the beach to watch the sunrise with your best friend at 13 sounds like an amazing, magical memory and I would have let my child go. I would have wanted to know about it just so I can be ready to head out if I get a call to say they're in trouble, and I'd probably have asked her to ping me a photo on WhatsApp. But at 13, it was up to your teenager to talk to you about her plans and get your approval. If you want her to do this in the future, I think contacting the other parent would be a mistake.

I vividly remember the Josie Lawrence case

Not vividly enough to remember the names of the victims correctly, it would appear

I've googled but can't find anything about a josie Lawrence, have you got any info I'm intrigued?

I wouldn't be happy and she wouldn't be stopping over again.

Poor parenting imo.

I wouldn’t have a big issue with this as I imagine it’s in an area quite like where I live which is quiet and nearby the house by the sounds of it. what I would take issue with that wasn’t run by me first

😂

I remember discovering that my kids of around 13 were going on sleepovers where the latest trend was to play 'chicken'. This involved lying in the middle of the road and daring each other not to jump up until a car was close. OK this was probably around 4 am when there were few cars but none of the parents knew until one kid let the story out.

It was possibly about this time that I discovered from another parent that sleep overs were involving climbing out of a velux window onto a flat and then sloping roof. She had happened to pass by and seen her child sitting on the pitched roof apex!

You don't know what they get up to, eg., anyone suggest a swim for a dare and then one kid gets into trouble/can't swim but daren't say? Early morning joggers or fishermen start chatting them up, etc. Knowing what I now know, I'd say no way.

I think it’s borderline; some families would be very comfortable with it, others not. The girl’s family presumably are comfortable with the risk and probably know the environment well. I would have been OK with it personally and I think a degree of risk taking is pretty important for children to develop skills and self awareness and this seems a manageable risk for a lovely experience to me.

On the other hand I think it would have been a courtesy to check.

It's the sea that would most worry me. Two 13 year olds randomly decide they want to paddle, go in for a dip and then get into trouble when no one is around. I wouldnt be happy with it and I think the other parent is irresponsible because even if they think their DD is ok to not go in the water she would have no real idea how impulsive your DD might be in that situation.

I don't have a problem with this. If you had said they were going for a sunrise swim then, yes, I would expect them to be accompanied, but to simply watch the sunrise, fine.

You are quite right.
It's Josie Russell. Sorry for the mistake.

No worries I am familiar with the lin Russell case so now It makes sense.

Absolutely not would I let my 13 yr old daughter out at 4.30am. no way.

Blimey, you should hear about some of the stuff I got up to at that age!

I think people are forgetting how young 13 is, or can be anyway. 2 years later at 15 they are like entirely different people.

I think that is an unnecessary nasty comment. I remember the case. I remember the conviction. I remember the name Josie. I put the wrong surname and I've held my hands up to it.
What is the point of your post apart from being unpleasant?

I would be ok with this (unless there is info missing, like some extra risk that OP has not disclosed). Presumably the kids were told no swimming, and off they went.

The Russell case was horrific - it doesn't mean we keep all under 18's locked up just in case. When do they get a chance to learn to navigate the world around them?