Unsure if I am overreacting or if this is irresponsible?

[Nerrr78]

My DD 13 stayed at her friends house the other day. Friends mother allowed them to go down to local beach (10 minutes walk) in their short pjs to watch sunrise at 4.30am on their own. DD told me the next day and I was upset that this had happened and I knew nothing about it. What if something had happened to them, I was asleep, thinking my DD was asleep, safe at her friends home.

DD said friends mother had said they could go the night before as long as they didn't wake her up.

How do I approach this without causing too much conflict?

I absolutely would not be fine with this at all

I agree with this.

Not a chance. I'd also be side eyeing the other mum's request to not wake her - if something had happened, how would she know when they left, how they were dressed etc.

I don't think the other mum matches your parenting style. At the very least she should have checked with you first and my first question would be - how far is the walk and is it high tide or low tide? Far too many things to go wrong and you can't expect a 13 year old to know how to react.

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all . My DC wouldn’t be staying there again until much older but I don’t think I’d raise it with the mum either - different approach to parenting and unlikely to end agreeably

It would depend on what the beach is like I guess. I live in a seaside place, and at about 5am you can see local joggers, a couple of fitness boot camps out, dog walkers and in the lighter months some of the local teams footballers running along the beach itself. It's really peaceful but not totally secluded. Is it similar or is it more of a cove, or right next to a busy centre with bars still open?

The sort of people 'about' at 4.30 are the ones you need to worry about. Also the fact that there are few if any people to help if the worst came to the worst. I think some of the YABU types on this thread sound as if they're living in some Blyton-like fantasyland, not the UK in 2024.

Could it be that the girls asked the other mum if they could go to the beach 'in the morning' and then they decided to go and see the sunrise? Ie, it may not be the mum's fault. Mostly though, I'm on the magical experience side of the fence. I'd probably have a gentle chat tbh if the sunrise bit was their own idea. Did they leave the other mum a note? Could they recognise that in a different situation it might not be such a good idea. And then did they enjoy it and what was it like?

I recall letting my kids do this kind of early morning adventure at that age BUT I was completely awake at the time and a coiled spring for anything that might go awry and check ins required.

I didn't go so far as to follow them at a distance but I thought about it!!

At what point would have "don't wake me" mum realised something was up? That's the bit that feels "off" to me.

What would you have said if she'd rung to check it was ok with you the night before?

Hi All,

Thank you for all taking time to reply to my post. I appreciate most not all of the comments (some have been a little unhelpful). You all sound like the thoughts that have been going back and forth in my head for two days haha.

I have spoken to my daughter and told her she shouldn't have gone without letting me know first. She understands, we get on really well and she is sorry she didn't tell me.

I'm not going to speak to the girls mother about it because I don't want to cause any upset but maybe mention it of DD is asked to stay again. Just in a head up for any beach trips sort of way.

The beach near our houses is probably quiet at that time in the morning however well known in the summer months for anti social behaviour and close to small town with pubs, clubs etc. So not completely safe all the time.

Yes its a lovely experience but 13 is still quite young after all and 4.30 isn't really a safe time for them to be out alone.

Thanks again!!!!

The main issue for me is that the other parent is asleep and has no idea when they went out, how long they've been out for.

It's different to letting them go down there on their own during the day. Plus, fewer people around means that if something goes wrong, there's less likely to be help available.

Were they to run into a lunatic rapist, how would wearing underwear protect them?

When I'm in charge of kids that age and want to do something potentially controversial I tell them to message their mum (or other adult) and check it's OK. So if you feel you do need to say something to the other mum, maybe ask her to remind your DD to check with you before doing stuff like that? But to be honest, your DD is old enough to be responsible for herself. She knows the kind of stuff she is and isn't allowed to do at home, she has a phone, she has no excuse for not checking with you.

Well, I'd personally be ok with this, but I guess it does depend on the area. My 13yo certainly goes out alone with friends, that seems normal to me and I wouldn't think to check with the friend's parents each time. If your dd isn't allowed out, or isn't allowed out at certain times of day then I'd expect them to say something when it was suggested.

But underwear doesn't prevent murder and you can still be raped even if you're wearing knickers.

Personally, I'd be most worried about them jumping in the sea without understanding the risk of tides and currents but let's all fixate on whether or not their vaginas are suitably covered with the correct number of layers.

OP - I agree with PP that it does sound lovely but personally I would have gone with them. Sat separately if I must but still supervised albeit from afar and I don't think I'm much of a helicopter parent but I do believe that being able to make sensible decisions is still a developing art at 13. I don't think you're wrong to feel annoyed.

It sounds like a lovely thing to do. I hope it was a glorious sunrise that they will remember for a long time.

At 13 I expect they go to the beach in the day wearing similar clothes, they probably catch buses and go to shopping malls, go to the cinema, go to local parks, have coffee in coffee shops. All of which are safe and important steps to becoming independent and confident young women.

What part do you feel uncomfortable about? Is it a very dangerous area?

Unless it's a Friday/Saturday night and you're near a nightclub which has just closed, the only people you'll find wandering around at 4:30am are elderly dog walkers, people with very long commutes and shift workers.

Lovely idea but at 13 they shouldn't have been alone at 4.30 in the morning. In the day when there are plenty of people about is a different matter. The other mother was very irresponsible. What if your dd had decided to go for a swim and got into trouble? What if an paedophile was out walking a dog and saw an opportunity. The mother wouldn't even be aware if they'd taken too long to raise the alarm as she was still asleep.

There's not a lot you can do other than next time dd goes there specify that you felt the 4.30 unaccompanied trip wasn't safe and please check with you next time.

I cannot believe the reactions saying this is fine.

I would ring the mum and ask her if this actually happened as some kids fib and if she confirms it, I'd tell her that you're shocked because something could have happened to them and they are too young for this.

I don't agree. If they were properly dressed a chancer might think they were cared for and not approach them. Similarly I think a cruising police car would think more positively of two fully dressed 13 year olds than girls in their jim jams.

I was brought up at the seaside and I would venture that young people who know the coast and local beaches are pretty aware of tides and currents and what is safe and what is unsafe. I know I always was, but that was 50/60 years ago.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. The idea of it is lovely but as a parent I would have gone with them there's no way they'd have headed off unsupervised at that hour of the morning (in shorty PJs too, I'm thinking of all the worst-case scenarios)

This other mum has different rules etc to you so I'd say nothing but not allow any more sleepovers for now.

Mmmm, looking at this from another direction, if I was coming home at sparrow fart and saw two young girls in their pj's wandering down to the beach with no adults around, I would be concerned. And if I am honest, its not whether they are sensible but what other people may do !!!

If they were staying with me, the idea is nice, but I would have insisted on going with them, maybe sitting at a distance (or in the car where I could see them) , they would be appropriately dressed and I would have cleared it with you first.

Everyone has their own life experiences that inform what they do and what is acceptable to me. Find your daughter a friend with a like minded mum!

Personally with other people's kids I would err on the side of caution and either check it's ok or go with them.
I wouldn't necessarily say anything to the mother but have a chat with DD as to what you think is acceptable and what isn't, have rules in place (for example that she runs it past you if there are any further unplanned, unsupervised trips so that you can say yay or nay) and possibly rethink sleepovers there.
I wouldn't be happy with my DD being out at 4.30am without a supervising adult.

Any of whom could be paedophiles, sadly.

Also as others have said, what if they decided to get in for a swim and got into difficulty and nobody around to help? Or had an accident en route and were left alone? At 13 my DD was responsible but at the end of the day they are still young and don't see risks. It's just not worth it in my opinion.