Unsure if I am overreacting or if this is irresponsible?

[Nerrr78]

My DD 13 stayed at her friends house the other day. Friends mother allowed them to go down to local beach (10 minutes walk) in their short pjs to watch sunrise at 4.30am on their own. DD told me the next day and I was upset that this had happened and I knew nothing about it. What if something had happened to them, I was asleep, thinking my DD was asleep, safe at her friends home.

DD said friends mother had said they could go the night before as long as they didn't wake her up.

How do I approach this without causing too much conflict?

And what would that achieve? It might momentarily make you feel good that you have given a grown woman into trouble but ultimately the trip to the beach still happened and in the absence of a time machine that won't change. All this phone calls will do is cause conflict which will have a detrimental impact on everyone involved. The OP can't control the behaviour of the other parent. But she can impose boundaries with her own child.

I think it hugely depends on the area. I’d not allow it in my house but if dd went to a friend’s and did this I’d be okay with it. I’d expect her to have her phone and when she’s at a sleepover I always have my phone by the bed. Sounds really lovely.

at 14 I was camping on friend’s farms and drinking oozo and vodka 😬

Find your daughter a friend with a like minded mum

I can only imagine the future conversations with her therapist.

I agree with you.
Sadly there are so many weirdos out there I would much prefer if an adult had accompanied them or there were more girls going to the beach.
Luckily they came to no harm.

But as we have learned recently weirdos don't care what time of day it is. In fact I wonder statistically when the safest time of day is. Unless you want to keep your teenagers in a big tupperware box the best thing to do for their safety is help them to assess dangerous situations and how to navigate them.

I think at 13 it’s up to the child to communicate plans with you, not the parents if that makes sense.
I have a teenager and unless it would be a trip away anything that they plan between them I would assume that the friends parents have been told by the friend.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this for what it’s worth, I think it’s a lovely thing to do x

You do realise that's the most common time of day to get raped, and rapists unknown to the victims target quiet places like beaches and parks? Did you not see that woman got killed on a beach just a few months ago, and that was later in the morning?

Yeah, why not round up some paedos and schizophrenics and have them chase them for practice.

Statistically though, I would say those girls have more chance of being hit by a car crossing a road in the middle of the day?

Just ask their parents if they can check with you first next time

Are you ok?

Gobsmacked? That people think that two 13 year olds being out in the middle of the night is not ok? You surely can't possibly be gobmacked at that.

I have to confess that I am torn here.

On one hand I totally appreciate that it would be a wonderful experience for them.. and if everything works out ok as it did, then its brilliant.

But I am a worrier and I know that kids can do really daft things without thinking and 13 is young. I know that makes me a bit of a killjoy, and I've been called a "health and safety officer" but then I think back to the times where I've nipped potentially dangerous situations in the bud.

I also didn't like the "Dont wake me up." idea. So on balance I agree with the above. I know I wouldn't have let them myself or I would have gone with them at a distance.

I agree with OP's update that's what is done is done, and no point mentioning it, unless tactfully if there's a future visit.

Im not a crazy parent, in fact I get accused of being to lax on many parenting things but no obviously a 13 year old shouldn't be wandering the streets at 4AM in PJs (it not acceptable above the age of toddler in general to be wander round in PJs in public anyway outside of an emergency situation like fire, earthquake, hospital stay etc... never mind the shorts and vest one).

Its absoloutly not helicopter parenting to not want your barely teen wandering around public areas half naked in the middle of the night.

They should
A) have been dressed appropriately
B) been at a suitable hour (4AM is not an appropriate time to wander the streets and I say that as some one was homeless in the past)
C) should be supervised or out at a time with people around

There was a video that went viral not long ago of three blokes creating a human chain and pulling a young teen out of the sea when she fell of the boat slip she was sitting on with her friend while her friend was freaking out and panicking. She could easily have died quickly, she was getting tumbled and churned and slammed against the concrete by the waves with no way to get out... imagine if it had been at 4AM with no one around but her 13 year old friend.

At 14/15 me and my friend who lived at the beach (literally her house was on the cliff right above the beach) use to go exploring too, more that once we had to be helped after getting stuck on rocks etc... and that was during busy daytime with people around.

And what would you plan on doing in 2-3 years time when she's big enough and bold enough to say 'F U mum I'm going anyway' to sunrises, to boyfriends, to take drugs on the beach?

GIRLS FEARED ABDUCTED or DROWNED AFTER 4am TRIP TO BEACH

The two 13-year-old girls were reported missing at 10am on Monday morning after leaving the house in their pyjamas to go and watch the dawn on the beach at 4.30am. 'I thought they'd be fine', said Kate Murray, mother of Evie, who was looking after both girls. 'I mean, it's only 10 minutes from home and I assumed there'd be no one else around at that time of the morning. How was I to know they'd be abducted? They'd asked me to take them the night before but I wasn't going to get up at 4am, so I said they could go down the road in their shortie PJs so long as they didn't wake me up.'

Yeah, that looks like a really responsible parent, doesn't it?

3 years is huge in child development. It's not comparable in the slightest.

Wonder what would have happened if a police patrol car had clocked two thirteen year old girls traipsing down the street in their pjs at 4.30 am? Would they have ignored it? Asked the girls where they were going and waved them on their way? Or driven them home and given the mother a lecture? I'd imagine the latter. Sadly they're all too aware that 13 year old children out alone in the night time are vulnerable to all sorts of things. Your friend is lucky that she's not dealing with more than your annoyance.

As pp have said I really wouldn't be comfortable with this. My main concern would be an attacker. Many 13 year olds are still so tiny. They wouldn't stand a chance against a full grown male even 2 of them. And the early morning makes this far more of a risk. I'd also be concerned about impulsive swimming. Hopefully they understand water safety and tides if they live near the sea but you never know whether they might get carried away

Instead of getting cross with daughter or other mum I'd concentrate on empowering your dd to make good decisions and seek your help and advice if she needs it. Don't get cross, explain that you're concerned that this was an unsafe situation. Tell her that you realise it's not easy to go against friends but talk about ways to be assertive if she thinks something isn't safe. Tell her you'd rather she contacts you any time of the day and you won't be cross and will do what's needed to keep her safe. Encouraging open dialogue and telling her you love and support her unconditionally will be far more effective than chastising her imo

My daughter once did this. She had a sleepover and they got up early to watch the sunrise but didn't tell me! It's a tiktok bloody thing. I got an irate call from one of the girls mothers!! They were sleeping in the dining room as there is a pull out bed there and dint hear them. So don't assume the girls mum actually knew! In any case the directipn to your daughter is if she is going anywhere other than the place of permission she asks you

Yes this is the bit I thought stood out - the parent didn't know they'd gone, and therefore there was no agreed return time etc.

I think that's not ok with someone else's child.

And we all know that elderly men, men who work shifts, and men who have long commutes are never paedophiles or rapists. Facts.

YANBU OP, they are too young to be out at that time of the morning especially alone. I've no idea what the other mum was thinking! Makes you wonder what else she lets them do.

You cannot raise this with the other parent unless you want to ruin your child's friendship!

You absolutely can.

If parents feel there is a genuine issue child safety always takes priority.

In the last few months alone we've had a 9 year old shot while at restaurant, the Southport and now Leicester Square stabbings, the crossbow murders carried out in a private home and probably dozens of others. Inside, outside, in the presence of adults or not, anything can happen anywhere. It's appalling but true and I am very much of the mindset that you do far more harm than good leaving in fear and restricting experiences as a result. Obviously there are appropriate ages for certain things but fundamentally, two adults in shorts going to watch a sunrise are just as likely or unlikely to be attacked. Crowds seem to no longer be a deterrent so I actually disagree with those saying it being deserted makes it more dangerous. Very very few people are up at 4.30, the criminally minded included.