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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH won't do more to avoid COVID to ensure IVF goes smoothly

138 replies

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:00

Just about to start our second round of IVF after taking a break for the summer and I'm terrified that I'm hearing about more and more cases of COVID: sister in law, friend, husband's friend, colleague etc. There's research to say it impacts sperm for 3-6mo and I just can't face delaying IVF and having to wait longer.
Sadly DH loves his social life too much, says it's silly to shield and plans to go to a concert and a football match in the next couple of months.

OP posts:
Pacificisolated · 12/08/2024 22:08

YABU. You should speak to your fertility specialist and find out what their recommendation is. I doubt they expect you or your DH to shield.

Original poster
PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:10

Pacificisolated · 12/08/2024 22:08

YABU. You should speak to your fertility specialist and find out what their recommendation is. I doubt they expect you or your DH to shield.

Not even to the extent of avoiding events with crowds?
Ie go to the office, see your parents, have a lunch with a mate who 100% feels ok but not a concert with thousands of people!

OP posts:
Changingplace · 12/08/2024 22:11

What has your specialist says about this? I don’t think anyone is shielding from Covid these days are they? And if people that close to you have had it you’re just as likely to pick it up from someone you know as at a big concert etc.

HemelHan · 12/08/2024 22:13

Yeah YABU - what does your consultant say about it?

IVF is shit but life does go on and you can’t pause your entire existence in case something affects sperm when you don’t even know this is true. If he was refusing to stop using the jacuzzi fair enough but you can’t expect him to not go anywhere.

and surely you are just as likely to catch Covid from Jill at the office as a rando at a concert?

GoldieFurEverywhere · 12/08/2024 22:15

You want your husband to avoid crowds?
On the off chance he might get Covid?
Which has the small possibility of affecting his swimmers?

I know IVF is all consuming, but read this back. YABU. And controlling.

Edingril · 12/08/2024 22:15

Yes the idea is insane

LoneHydrangea · 12/08/2024 22:15

Is anyone shielding from Covid? I think you’re being massively unreasonable. If you’re going to get it, you’ll get it.

Whatatodo79 · 12/08/2024 22:16

Of all the stresses and awfulness of IVF, I would try hard not to create extra ones for each other. I don't think COVID will be a problem for you both here. Best of luck

berksandbeyond · 12/08/2024 22:17

I think you if you’re this anal about things now, parenthood is going to be very difficult for you. You need to let some things go

HavingABitOfAMare · 12/08/2024 22:18

Totally unreasonable.

What has your consultant said?

HemelHan · 12/08/2024 22:19

how is your husband coping through IVF? If his social life is keeping him going that’s surely going to be much better in the long run than him being stressed and ruminating on things. I would say if his social life is getting him through it that’s going to be a more positive impact despite the risk, even if the Covid/sperm thing is true

Original poster
PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:21

@HemelHan

and surely you are just as likely to catch Covid from Jill at the office as a rando at a concert?

I suppose my logic there is that say there's 100 people in the office in his proximity / on his floor / people who will come close to him. Let's say (numbers used just for explanations' sake, unlikely to be actual accurate probabilities) that 5% of people have Covid. That's 5 people with COVID around him who could in theory infect him.

Going to a concert with 5,000 people. 5% x 5,000 = 250. 250 people to infect him. And ok, they're not all going to come up to him but they're in the same building as him, queueing at the same bars etc. Seems a higher probability of catching it here.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 12/08/2024 22:23

Speak to the ivf clinic and get official advice. Then take it from there good luck with your ivf.

GoldieFurEverywhere · 12/08/2024 22:24

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:21

@HemelHan

and surely you are just as likely to catch Covid from Jill at the office as a rando at a concert?

I suppose my logic there is that say there's 100 people in the office in his proximity / on his floor / people who will come close to him. Let's say (numbers used just for explanations' sake, unlikely to be actual accurate probabilities) that 5% of people have Covid. That's 5 people with COVID around him who could in theory infect him.

Going to a concert with 5,000 people. 5% x 5,000 = 250. 250 people to infect him. And ok, they're not all going to come up to him but they're in the same building as him, queueing at the same bars etc. Seems a higher probability of catching it here.

Talk about missing the bigger picture...

You're obsessed. I can understand why to a certain degree, but it's not at all healthy.

I'm sorry but you're going to end up pushing your DH away. He has a life of his own, he's not existing just to give you a baby.

Original poster
PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:24

@Apolloneuro thing is, even if an IVF consultant said it, he wouldn't do it. To him that social life isn't worth giving up (I was pregnant in the middle of the pandemic so had to shield and he HATED it, so never doing again)

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 12/08/2024 22:26

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:21

@HemelHan

and surely you are just as likely to catch Covid from Jill at the office as a rando at a concert?

I suppose my logic there is that say there's 100 people in the office in his proximity / on his floor / people who will come close to him. Let's say (numbers used just for explanations' sake, unlikely to be actual accurate probabilities) that 5% of people have Covid. That's 5 people with COVID around him who could in theory infect him.

Going to a concert with 5,000 people. 5% x 5,000 = 250. 250 people to infect him. And ok, they're not all going to come up to him but they're in the same building as him, queueing at the same bars etc. Seems a higher probability of catching it here.

You need to factor in time spent together as well? Brushing past someone in a pub vs sitting next to them for an hour in a meeting etc. I don't think you have got this right

Original poster
PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:27

@Whatatodo79 very good point about brushing past... makes me feel kinda better about the large events as he's not exactly interacting for hours with each and every attendee

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 12/08/2024 22:27

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:24

@Apolloneuro thing is, even if an IVF consultant said it, he wouldn't do it. To him that social life isn't worth giving up (I was pregnant in the middle of the pandemic so had to shield and he HATED it, so never doing again)

Isn't having a newborn quite limiting on one's social life? What's really going on here?

jigglypuff7722 · 12/08/2024 22:27

In the nicest possible way do you think you're projecting alot of worry onto this in particular just incase you have another failure? I say this as this reminds me of myself. We did 4 gos and by the end I was going out of my mind, convinced that my husband having 1 cigarette (he was super stressed too) or a night out would mean somehow it was all going to go wrong again

I would speak to your clinic as I know mine offered free counselling
Not to say your worries aren't founded in anything, IVF takes absolutely all the control out of your life you thought you'd have and this could be a way of feeling like you're back in control a bit.
Hope this didn't offend, speaking from experience and best of luck xxx

Twinklefloss · 12/08/2024 22:30

I think the most pragmatic thing to do here would be for him (and you) to pay to get Covid boosters privately - after checking with consultant what gap is needed before ivf.

it is not practicable to shield from Covid selectively if he’s going in to the office. I caught it last week from my teen DS who had met up with just one (sick) friend in person and had otherwise been at home socialising online.

I think you would be better focusing on more controllable aspects eg alcohol consumption: we went to specialist male fertility consultant who got DH down to having just two drinks a week while ttc after secondary fertility. Alcohol has massive impact on quality of male sperm.

EricHebbornInItaly · 12/08/2024 22:31

My clinic cancelled rounds if we caught covid, (this was after lockdowns) and we shielded to a point leading up to and during rounds. We were paying privately so couldn’t afford to waste the tens of thousands of pounds we spent.

Apolloneuro · 12/08/2024 22:31

Oh dear @PhillipaN he doesn’t sound like a peach.

Good idea from @Twinklefloss

EricHebbornInItaly · 12/08/2024 22:32

Twinklefloss · 12/08/2024 22:30

I think the most pragmatic thing to do here would be for him (and you) to pay to get Covid boosters privately - after checking with consultant what gap is needed before ivf.

it is not practicable to shield from Covid selectively if he’s going in to the office. I caught it last week from my teen DS who had met up with just one (sick) friend in person and had otherwise been at home socialising online.

I think you would be better focusing on more controllable aspects eg alcohol consumption: we went to specialist male fertility consultant who got DH down to having just two drinks a week while ttc after secondary fertility. Alcohol has massive impact on quality of male sperm.

Agree about the alcohol too. TBH if he doesn’t want to give anything up for IVF, does he actually want another child?

HavingABitOfAMare · 12/08/2024 22:32

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:24

@Apolloneuro thing is, even if an IVF consultant said it, he wouldn't do it. To him that social life isn't worth giving up (I was pregnant in the middle of the pandemic so had to shield and he HATED it, so never doing again)

So the consultant didn't say it?

Original poster
PhillipaN · 13/08/2024 08:10

@EricHebbornInItaly it's not like he's against giving things up. He's quit smoking and hasn't had a drink in 5mo. But whereas I do it quietly (I also gave up alcohol) ie I just order the non alcoholic drink without making a song and dance, he will make it out to be this BIG sacrifice he's doing. Or the other day ordered a salami pizza because he fancied it, why not just completely give up cold cuts?? Or he has to be reminded to eat more veg, sighs at it but in the end does eat it...

OP posts: