To be annoyed DH won't do more to avoid COVID to ensure IVF goes smoothly

[PhillipaN]

Just about to start our second round of IVF after taking a break for the summer and I'm terrified that I'm hearing about more and more cases of COVID: sister in law, friend, husband's friend, colleague etc. There's research to say it impacts sperm for 3-6mo and I just can't face delaying IVF and having to wait longer.
Sadly DH loves his social life too much, says it's silly to shield and plans to go to a concert and a football match in the next couple of months.

Imagine if a bloke was insisting his wife stopped socialising, stopped eating certain foods etc to ensure she got pregnant.

“You can’t expect him to live like a monk because you’re going through IVF.“

this Op! Life is short and life is hard. Dont try to deprive him (or yourself) of all life’s pleasures or you’ll both be so miserable and it’ll put such a strain on your relationship.

I mean if you have another cild are they shielding also? because if they go to school/ nursery they can and do ring home all sorts.

Take a deep breath and talk to your consultant.

I think having a little moan about sacrifices is fine especially if he is still doing them. its a way to blow of steam rather than hold onto it and let disgruntled and stressful feeling build up.

I think you need to cut yourself and him some slack.

I've recently had covid. And I have a very small circle of people in my life to have caught it from, certainly hadn't been to a concert with 5k people... Only reason I tested for covid when I felt ill was that my Mum's recovering from heart surgery, otherwise I'd have been none the wiser and it was like a mild cold for a few days. Covid isn't the same illness it was in 2020.
So I think you're worrying too much.

Yep!

"Or the other day ordered a salami pizza because he fancied it, why not just completely give up cold cuts?? Or he has to be reminded to eat more veg,"

Jesus wept, OP. Read that back. Imagine a man saying that - you'd be given a million warnings for red flag behaviour.

Get a grip before you push him away

I thought I'd clicked onto a zombie thread from 2020 for a minute.

IVF is stressful enough as it is, please don’t add restrictions. Live life.

Do you intend him to do everything you want until you get pregnant? Which could take several years?
I really think you’re being v v unreasonable.

Does he actually want a second child, or is he indifferent and just going along with it for you?

Jesus. What a life he gets to enjoy...

He says he wants one. He appears to care about IVF in the sense of making sure he's available whenever needed, getting time off work and making up the hours at less convenient times for him (mainly to look after toddler whilst I've got appointments), he talks about wanting another child or how great a sibling would be (I know, I know, words vs actions). He's given up booze so that's something.

So I guess he does want another baby to some extent but perhaps not as desperate for one as me?

Our toddler doesn't go to nursery

So I guess he does want another baby to some extent but perhaps not as desperate for one as me?

Controversial view but I don't think men ever are desperate for children the way women are.

At first I thought that you were being unreasonable but having read comments from other posters about their IVF experiences and how every little thing can contribute to either success of failure, I don't think that you are.
He needs to get fully onboard to make this work. Is it really so much to ask him to change his life for a while? Especially when you think about how much pregnancy and a newborn will impact yours.

I can't comment on the pizza stuff, but on the COVID I'm going to provide a different perspective here.

I haven't had COVID as far as I know, and I test regularly due to caring for an elderly disabled person. In fact I haven't had as much as a sniffle in almost 5 years and I am in very good health, much more so than before the pandemic.

I also don't shield. I go to concerts, art galleries, plays etc, I travel. I work mostly from home but I do go to big work events occasionally. I meet with friends and family. My life is nice and I enjoy it to the full.

However I am not ignoring COVID. It is a serious illness with serious consequences for many people. It still kills significantly more people in the UK than car accidents, and we do use mitigations (seatbelts, insurance etc) for cars! There is no cure or treatment for Long COVID and nobody can predict who gets it. There are many people in the UK who have had to leave their jobs due to it, and at least 3% of the population suffers with it as per ONS figures. Cumulative infections increase risk.

So I take it seriously. I wear a FFP2/3 mask when I am in public indoor spaces. I am particularly strict about it in transport e.g. planes, buses. I don't eat in busy restaurants unless they have an outdoor patio. When I meet with loved ones and friends I ask them to cancel if they have any illness in their households, and I open windows. If they come to stay over they also have to test beforehand because my house, my rules. I go to a dentist who uses HEPA filters in their office and takes proper PPE seriously. I acknowledge there's also a degree of luck involved.

I don't find that this limits my life. I haven't hidden away. I've accepted that society has changed permanently to a degree, with the introduction of a new serious contagious illness in 2020, something that many people seem to be unable to process mentally. I don't blame them, there is also an incentive from capitalist interests to consume as normal and pretend everything is fine. However, acknowledging there's been a change doesn't have to be an apocalypse. There is a middle ground between "ignore ignore nothing is happening" and total shielding.

Many people pushed back against seatbelts when they were introduced, or against smoking bans. Now they are part of life. Someone asked what mitigations we could introduce against COVID- I think we can, and should normalise masking Japan style, and/or air filters and good ventilation in public spaces.

TL;DR: Your husband could wear a quality mask while your IVF is going on and still go to big events and enjoy life. They are very effective.

@HowIrresponsible

oh I think they can be. They may not have a clue at the hardship involved but I know for a fact in some couples it’s the man who wants kids waaaaaay more than the woman.

This sounds really intense. Can you both sit and agree some boundaries? It’s hardly going to be a positive and equal healthy relationship if you’re nagging him to eat vegetables. That said, he needs to be clear he is committed to this as you’re putting yourself through a huge amount both financially and - for you - physically.

Until they get the baby of course and realise its work

Sorry what? You expect him to give up meat too?

She wants him house bound, teetotal and only eating things she approves of.

And they already have a child so clearly they're capable.

I can only imagine what a man would be called if he expected that of his wife.

I would agree with this

Kindly but this is batshit.

OP you keep up like this and you'll break up your existing family.

You can't tell another adult not to go to a football game/concert/eat meat/drink alcohol. You sound obsessed and controlling.

I would go further and say that many of the problems on Mumsnet are down to women expecting that men feel – or should feel – exactly the same way as they do about everything.

A nice idea, but not realistic.